Naruto Emiya
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: Saved from freezing to death at the age of five, Naruto is dumped on to the lap of a new father, Kiritsugu Emiya the Magus Killer. The Einzbern family takes him in to be Illya's dagger in the next Grail War. Too bad his teacher Zelretch has other plans for him. Now he has to survive the Fifth Grail War, returning to his home and find a suitable wife before Acht strangles him!
1. Chapter 1

It was a day after they were taught to unlock their chakra coils (and boy hadn't that been a mess, the classroom was ruined!) and it was so wet that some of the shinobi thought they had accidentally come to Rain village instead of the Leaf.

One child, still running a massive fever from unlocking his chakra coils, was shivering out in the cold rain. As he closed his eyes, possibly for the last time, he didn't hear someone approach.

"_This could be very interesting indeed. Oh the chaos it would cause!"_ said the odd old man with glee.

He thrived on making things difficult for others...the problem was that he got bored very easily and ended up moving onto his next victim of what the more 'modern' students called trolling. The child was unconscious, and he was bored. If the kid kept his interest, he might even be nice enough to take it easy on him later.

* * *

Kiritsugu looked at the child who had appeared for no apparent reason a few days after the birth of his daughter Illyasviel.

Normally they would either use the child for a magus experiment or send him on his way once the fever broke, but one of the house homunculi noticed a note.

A note from a rather well known (and not in a good way) Wizard Marshal named Zelretch.

He said that he had found the kid and didn't feel like raising him, so he was dumping him on someone who wouldn't give the child a big head when he took up magecraft. So he dumped him on the infamous magus killer Emiya.

Kiritsugu didn't know whether to curse out the blasted master of the Kaleidoscope, or to just take the hint and do nothing.

Instead he asked his wife.

"I'm sure Illya would love an older brother."

It wasn't until the fever broke a few days later that they learned the boy's name...and unfortunately on Kiritsugu had been able to understand his surprised babble.

"Where am I?"

"One of the Einzbern castles. What is your name?"

"Uzumaki Naruto. Who are you old man?"

"My name is Kiritsugu Emiya, and this is my wife Irisviel. And the little one is my daughter Illyasviel. Do you remember how you got here?"

"I remember passing out in a rainstorm because my landlord locked me out, even though I was feeling crappy since class ended...and someone cackling in a way that kinda freaked me out."

"Why would a three-year-old have a landlord?" asked Emiya.

"I'm five, and I've been living in my own apartment since I was four after the orphanage kicked me out. Something about not wanting a demon brat in with the 'normal' kids and corrupting them anymore. Senile old bat, she deserved having all her wigs dyed pink for throwing me out..." said Naruto under his breath.

Any doubts he had about taking the boy in were washed away with that information. Anyone who would throw a four year old boy out and force him to learn how to live on his own was clearly not ready to deal with a child.

Once Naruto fully recovered from the fever that had been in his body (several hours after regaining consciousness) Kiritsugu watched how he interacted with them. He seemed content to be around Illya and Iris, and carefully watched how the homunculi reacted to him first before doing or even touching anything.

It all spoke of heavy abuse, and it only made the decision to keep him here as an older brother to his daughter all the stronger.

A month after Naruto came to the castle, Kiritsugu asked him if he wanted to stay around as Illya's older brother. Naruto had taken to calling her 'Little Snowstorm' after a particularly loud series of bawling from the tiny girl one night when he had been half asleep in her room, curled up under a blanket.

It had been Naruto who calmed the girl down five minutes after it started, and helped Iris to keep an eye on her.

Naruto looked overjoyed by the idea of a family, even one as odd as theirs. He looked delighted to finally have a sibling, even one as loud as Illya had been in those first few months.

And he took to any training Kiritsugu gave him with a knife with surprising ease...at least until he told the man that the village he use to live in had been a shinobi village, and that the class he had taken before his disappearance had been training for the shinobi forces.

Kiritsugu hated the idea of child soldiers, but considering how well Naruto took to his lessons in being an assassin, he was willing to put up with it.

Naruto certainly had no problem being the man's apprentice.

* * *

When Naruto was nine, Kiritsugu was chosen as a Master for the fourth Grail War, a very high honor. Being no stranger to death, he understood like any Magus that it had a high death rate for any participant, for it was always easier to kill the Master instead of the Servant.

Which was why, when he first saw the Servant that the Einzbern all but demanded his father summon (the ignored him and acted like he didn't exist...a distinct improvement compared to his old home) the first thing that came to mind wasn't her looks, but her stance.

She was a true swords-woman, this Alturia Pendragon. Indeed, she found a warmer reception from little Naruto than from her actual Master Kiritsugu, who was still dealing with the shock that King Arthur had in fact been a young woman.

So, whenever his father was off on another paid mission from either the Church or the Magus Association, Naruto would beg Saber for sword lessons while Illya learned from their mother.

Illya loved her rather cheerful older brother, even though Iris had explained to the girl he was her adopted older brother when she was old enough to understand that news.

About the only real interaction Naruto had with the main family, that of the TRUE Einzberns (which said pricks had no issue reminding him he didn't belong) was when Acht had told his father Kiritsugu that if the brat was going to stay he would learn magecraft their way, instead of the half-assed method Kiritsugu was known for using.

Naruto didn't mind learning new things, as shown by his willingness to learn how to use a sword from Saber, the best of the Knight class Servants. But some of the things he might have balked at had he still been a shinobi-in-training.

The second the Einzberns realized he had a ridiculous recovery rate, Naruto was given even harder training, which he took to with relish as Kiritsugu had been impressed by his ability to handle the best of the best the Einzbern had to offer his adopted son.

The Einzbern weren't afraid to make contingency plans in case Kiritsugu lost this Grail War, or to make use of the man's daughter. If Emiya lost this one, then Illya would be their Master in the next, and they would have her summon Berserker...and Naruto would be right next to her with whatever Servant he could scrounge up.

Just because they were mildly impressed with him didn't mean they had to like him. Naruto held no illusions that the family outside of Kiritsugu, Illya and the family homunculi barely tolerated his existence at best.

Considering that he had been used to active dismissal and outright hate from adults for no apparent reason, he bore this with disturbing ease.

Then the worst happened. During the Grail War in Fuyuki, Kiritsugu disobeyed his orders and destroyed the Grail, leaving no clear winner. Acht was so mad that he poisoned Illyasviel against her own father while Naruto was away in the Clock Tower learning under proper teachers.

He had been accepted because of a startling discovery when he was thirteen by an Enforcer.

There was a high-level Mythical Beast sealed inside of him, likely from birth. He might have gotten a Sealing Designation from the Clock Tower had a certain pain-in-the-ass Wizard Marshal not intervened and took him as his apprentice.

People hated Naruto almost as much as they hated his current teacher, Zelretch.

* * *

It was two years before the Fifth Grail War, and Naruto was about to summon his Servant.

"I hate you Oyaji," said Naruto deadpan. Zelretch chuckled evilly at his apprentice, who had come a long way from the abused child he had dumped on the infamous Magus Killer.

Naruto had a surprising aptitude for Kaleidoscope, though that didn't surprise Zelretch too much.

One of the requirements to master that branch was to have alternates you could borrow from...and as long as the Kyuubi was inside the boy, he would have a near infinite amount of Naruto Uzumaki to borrow from. What many would see as the curse of a Jinchuriki had become a blessing in disguise.

"Don't be like that. I did help you earn your Command Seals after all," chuckled Zelretch.

"And teach me the finer points of trolling people who should be respected," said Naruto grinning.

The undisputed Queen of the Clock Tower had not been pleased when Naruto had taken up that hobby from his teacher.

Naruto stood before his circle and waited for the time to summon. Then he started to chant, feeling his innate magic rise in response to the glow.

"Come forth, Keeper of the Balance!"

There was an explosion of magic, and he could hear someone breathing. He blinked when he saw what he got though.

It was a woman in rather revealing clothing for someone of her bust. She had a pair of fox ears and a long wavy tail to match. She was definitely Japanese.

"Servant Caster has answered your call. I ask of you, are you my Master?"

"I am," said Naruto, holding up his command seals, which looked like a strange three-pronged kunai.

Caster looked at her twenty-three year old master with a smile on her face.

"I have the feeling we'll be in for a fun time!" she said with a grin.

Zelretch just laughed. When he had taken Naruto as his personal apprentice at the age of fifteen, he never expected the boy to be this entertaining.

Naruto had a sense of humor who could appreciate his own, which was surprising considering the hard-ass family he was raised in since Kiritsugu adopted him as his son. The only one in the family Naruto had any connection to was his 18-year-old sister Illyasviel, and the rare occasions that Acht needed him to deal with someone in the family that were becoming an issue.

Such as family heirs who were annoying him or were about to damage the family reputation in a way he wouldn't tolerate. Considering the Einzbern family head could have thrown Naruto out after Emiya betrayed them, he counted his blessings.

Acht either didn't know, or care, that Naruto had meet his adopted father five times before his death. He had even met their step-brother Shiro, who Kiritsugu adopted after the mess the Grail had made in the last days.

Shiro seemed happy to know that he had step-siblings, even they couldn't be seen together because of the fact his new father had apparently pissed quite a few people off before he came to live in Fuyuki.

They settled for e-mails instead, and it was thanks to Naruto that Shiro was as far ahead as he was in magecraft.

He was however, eager to meet the 'Little Snowstorm' as Naruto called Illya.

"Well at least Acht won't have any complaints about my Servant. Remember how much he bitched about me learning the shinobi arts?" chuckled Naruto.

Zelretch snorted. He had given Naruto all the books he stole from Uzushiogakure, his birth mother's homeland, from before it was destroyed and told him to learn all he could about being a shinobi. Ironically enough his magus training doubled as his chakra training, though his control wasn't worth speaking of.

Considering he had power to spare, that was of little concern to the Einzbern clan.

Naruto was currently on par with an elite jounin from Uzushiogakure, or had been when Zelretch dumped him there for a year when he was twenty as training, to the displeasure of Illya. As far as the records would show, he had died during the war.

* * *

"Naruto-nii has summoned Caster, Grandfather," said Illya when she hung up the phone he had given her. Satellite phones were quite useful, as they didn't require any cell towers.

"Surprising," snorted Acht.

"He has agreed to act as the dagger to my axe in the war, to bring glory to the Einzbern family," continued Illyasviel.

Last night she had summoned Heracles the Berserker. It had always been the plan to have Naruto summon something like Assassin to complement her Berserker and insure victory. That is until they found out about the mythical beast in his body, then Zelretch had snatched him up before he could be used for experiments.

So long as he proved useful, he could be considered under the protection of the Einzbern family.

"And what of the boy Emiya took under his wing?" asked Acht. He was still pissed about that one.

"He shall die by my hand, Acht-jii-sama," said Illya with a curtsey.

Naruto had the odd habit of not giving proper respect to authority figures, which had unfortunately carried over to his sister Illya. As such he tended to call their great-great grandfather, the head of the Einzbern clan, Acht-jii-san. Illya just changed the honorific to avoid getting punished.

* * *

"Please?" begged Caster.

"No and _hell_ no. The last time I let you go shopping you bought all those skimpy clothes and I got glared at by the old hag in the tower!"

The old hag being, of course, the Queen of the Clock Tower Lorelei. She had been so pissed when he first called her that in Zelretch's hearing. In return Naruto gave her free shots at him whenever she was in a bad mood, so it all evened out. Well, that and she gave him others to annoy that she couldn't because of her position.

Caster pouted, her tail moving this way and that under her highly provocative clothing. If he were any less of a gentleman he might have taken advantage of her. That and he knew his sister would have Berserker try to maim him if he even considered the idea.

"Come on Master, can we please go shopping?" whined Caster.

"No! Why don't you go harass that pansy Waver if you're so bored?"

Zelretch had introduced him to Lord El-Melloi once the command seals had made their appearance two years earlier. Naruto spent a year under the former Master learning about the Grail wars...and quite a bit about Waver's Servant Alexander the Great. Naruto had the feeling that the former king and him would have gotten along just fine. Gilgamesh, not so much.

Caster pouted cutely, something that sent the lesser mages to the floor with nosebleeds.

"But we don't leave for Fuyuki in five days!"

"Go read!" said Naruto.

"Meanie."

"Caster, the only reason I am even participating is to save Illya. I could honestly care less about the Grail or a wish," said Naruto.

The only thing driving Naruto to become a Master in the war wasn't because Acht had demanded it, but because Zelretch had given him his word that he would save Illya once the war was over and her use had ended to Acht. According to the old vampire, Illya wouldn't live past this war unless someone 'fixed' her body which had been altered by the Einzbern family while she was still in the womb.

Zelretch had told him that if he participated in the war and survived with his sister, then he would fix Illya before her body started to break down because she would be chosen as the lesser Grail. He could do so, since he had spent countless alternates examining her out of boredom.

Caster sauntered up to Naruto with a grin on her face.

"I know something fun we could do to pass the time..."

"My sister would kill me, or at the very least beat the crap out of me. She'll be pissed anyway because of what you're wearing!" said Naruto.

It wasn't that he was adverse to the idea, it was just that Illya had the worst big brother complex he had ever seen and she was far more protective of him than most girls her age.

If Shiro survived the war, he was so going to transfer that problem to him to get some freedom.

"It's not like she'll have to know," purred Caster, her tail wrapping around his waist.

Naruto looked around them tiredly.

"If Acht has spies around me at all time, which I know he does, he'll tell her himself just to piss me off," said Naruto flatly.

Said 'spies' smirked and gave him a wave in confirmation of this statement. It wasn't like Naruto didn't already know they were working for the old coot anyway.

Caster pouted.

"But I'm _bored_..."

"I'm sure Zelretch has some supplies for you to play with...or you could make some seals to blow that Makiri heir sky-high when we get there. Not like Illya would care," said Naruto.

Caster perked up at the idea. Naruto had it out for the Makiri after Zelretch told him _why_ their last Master Kariya had been in that war, despite being unsuited for it. The idea of implanting those disgusting crest worms into a child not even ten disgusted him...and Acht had already told him he was free to wipe that entire family out if he wanted. Caster went off in search of the old vampire for some sealing supplies to play with.


	2. Chapter 2

Illya all but glomped her older brother when she saw him in the castle waiting for her.

"So where is this Servant of yours?" she asked eagerly. Heracles was behind her, and was obviously sniffing out the other Servant.

"Caster, come on out!" said Naruto.

Illya took one look at the woman and started to growl. She looked like a floozy! Naruto looked at her expression and winced. He was so getting chased by the Greek hero later he just _knew_ it.

"Nii-san, why is she dressed like a common harlot?" said Illya through gritted teeth.

"Not my doing. She showed up looking like that and Zelretch thought it amusing to give her _ideas_," said Naruto with a grimace. He didn't care about the amount of exposure, but he did care about Illya's overprotective nature of him.

He had been the only friendly face she could count on growing up, as the Einzbern had a strange sort of pride in the fact he never complained once about the most strenuous mage training they gave him. He even had alchemical arrays implanted in him shortly after the war ended, not that Kiritsugu had any choice in the matter.

Naruto knew what true pain was, having experienced it before being adopted by Kiritsugu and Irisviel. Physical pain was nothing compared to the aching loneliness and absolute hatred directed at him before he was brought to them.

At least Zelretch had told him _why_ the village hated him, why they had shunned him and denied him the most basic of humans rights...acknowledgment of his very existence. He had even gained a tentative friendship with the demon in question, as they both had a strange disregard for the safety of others. Naruto had even given the old fox several ideas on which to test on the Uchiha clan once they returned to that world.

And they would return, if only to complete his mastery of the Kaleidoscope magic that Zelretch had shared. Being able to function in both worlds was his requirement to become a full-fledged magus in the eyes of the Clock Tower.

The fact Zelretch planned to give Illya a minor chakra demon to 'fix' her was something he had yet to tell Naruto.

Eventually Illya simmered down a bit, once Naruto made it clear he wasn't interested in antagonizing his baby sister...despite Caster's attempts to rile the girl up. She seemed to think it hilarious to see Illya grit her teeth whenever she flirted with her Master.

Shiro ran into Naruto two days into the war, though he had no Servant of his own.

"Shiro-chan!" called Naruto.

"Naruto! Long time no see!"

"Yeah. Not to alarm you or anything, but you had better summon your Servant soon. Illya is still pissed about dad adopting you after the war without coming to get her, so she's planning to take it out on you. And just as a friendly warning, she has a Servant who can carry a _massive_ sword made of stone, so it had better be a good Servant," said Naruto seriously.

Shiro winced. He had heard of the 'Chibi Snowstorm' from Naruto several times, most notably to people who had annoyed her greatly. He never wanted to be on the wrong end of the Illyasviel Flurry, as Naruto called it.

"The thing is I have no idea how _to_ summon a servant!"

Naruto handed him a book.

"Don't let anyone know you have this, or Illya will strangle me. For a runt she is deceptively strong!" said Naruto seriously.

Shiro nodded and they parted ways. He left school almost immediately so he could summon his Servant, if only to survive his adopted sister's wrath once she caught up to him.

Naruto had been very, very descriptive of what happened to people on the wrong end of her anger.

"I ask of you, are you my Master?" asked the blond girl.

"I am."

"Servant Saber has answered your summons," said the girl.

"Oh thank kami...maybe I might survive this mess!" said Shiro. Saber gave him a look.

"My adopted sister Illyasviel is apparently pissed at me because my father adopted me after the last war, and my other adopted sibling Naruto gave me a heads up to summon a Servant before she found me," explained Shiro. Saber tensed, as she recognized both names.

This would be awkward...though at least she would see what sort of man Naruto had become.

Naruto was at that moment being hung upside down outside the castle windows in nothing but his boxers by Heracles thanks to an irate Illya. She had been watching the exchange and was less than pleased by his interference with Shiro.

Caster wasn't even attempting to help, as she was too busy laughing at him because of his sister's big brother complex in full gear.

Naruto twisted from where he was, and landed neatly on Heracles hand. Part of his training had been to provide a full range of movement and dexterity to his body, and that had been one of the worst. He was expected to bend in almost any direction whenever he needed to.

He still did yoga and parkour to keep in shape, especially as it saved his ass more than once to be able to bend like a reed in the wind.

Ironic, considering his elements were wind and water and his origin was Magic.

"What have we learned big brother?" asked Illya far too sweetly for Naruto _not_ to shudder. His sister was never that sweet, not after news of what happened to Kiritsugu and the adoption of Shiro anyway.

"If I'm going to die by my adorable Little Snowstorm's hands, then by the Root I'm going out with a smile on my face! Hey Caster, you wanna go out drinking?" asked Naruto with an unrepentant smirk.

Illya looked even more pissed now, if that was possible.

That only doubled when Caster sauntered up to him and they ran like hell out of the castle to Illya's rage-filled shout "NII-SAN!"

Naruto didn't provoke Illya that often, but when he did, it was always with style. Hearing her angry shout always made him laugh, mostly because he had a height advantage to her. She would never kill him, because he was the only real family she had left...but she would make his life hell if given the chance.

Shiro opened the door to find...Naruto and a scantily-clad woman with fox ears?

"What did you do?"

"Piss off Illya. I think hiding with you would be a smarter idea considering she might sick her Servant on me if I didn't give her time to cool off."

Shiro winced.

"Naru-chan?" said Saber from past Shiro.

"Holy shit! Saber-onee-chan?!" said Naruto, his drunkenness all but forgotten in shock.

Shiro looked between his Servant and adopted older brother.

"You two know each other?"

"Dad summoned her in the last war! How in the hell did you manage to bring her back out?" asked Naruto.

"I used the circle and incantation you gave me, and she showed up. Saved my hide from Lancer too," said Shiro bluntly.

Saber looked at Naruto with calculating eyes.

"I am eager to see how you've progressed," she said.

"Hey Shiro, you got any spare blades?"

"In the dojo. You can hide here until Illyasviel cools off, but unless you know how to cook, stay out of the kitchen."

"Deal. Oh, before I forget, this is Caster, my Servant. Caster, my adopted younger brother Shiro."

"Hi!"

Shiro watched in awe with Caster as Naruto and Saber fought using nothing but wooden swords. Saber seemed pleased by his skill.

"You have improved since I first taught you."

"I kept up my training even after the war, Saber-nee-chan. I never expected to see you again after ten years," said Naruto honestly. He had kept it up in memory of her.

"Ano, Naruto-kun, should I increase the bounded fields of this place?" asked Caster.

"Definitely. Dad's circuits must have really deteriorated if all he put up was a basic alert ward."

Saber looked surprised at his agreement.

"Why would you help an enemy Master?"

"Dad told me before he died that in the event I made it to the Grail Wars as a Master, to never make a wish upon the Grail. He said something really horrible corrupted it during the previous war, and if it's ever used then it would unleash something terrible. That was the reason why he made you destroy it," said Naruto, adjusting his grip.

Shiro showed no surprise that Naruto had talked to their adopted father before his death. It had been Kiritsugu who introduced Shiro to Naruto after all, even if he couldn't do the same to his biological daughter.

What Shiro didn't know was that Kiritsugu had given his Crest to Naruto along with his signature gun and bullets. Naruto was born to be an assassin, which was the only reason he had left those things to him. Acht had not been pleased when he first learned of it.

Saber looked unhappy with this news.

"So my wish will never be fulfilled?" she asked unhappily.

"Not unless you want Angra Mainyu to be reborn. Hell, the only reason _I'm_ here is because the old geezer Zelretch said he would save Illya's life once the war was over."

Saber gave him a sharp look.

"What do you mean save her life?"

"Illya is going to become the lesser grail. You remember what that did to Irisviel," said Naruto.

Saber and Caster suddenly stiffened.

"Another Master is approaching the property. Judging by the fact she's too tall, I can safely say it's not Illya," said Caster.

It was in fact, Rin Tohsaka.

Rin stiffened when she felt the new wards.

She was staring in outright shock when she saw Caster.

"Shiro, why do you have the Einzbern's attack dog in your house?" asked Rin.

"Ha! I should have guessed the Tohsaka princess would know of me!" said Naruto pleased.

Then she saw Caster.

"And what is _she_ doing here?!"

"She's with me. And don't bother trying to kill her, because I'll have killed your Servant before he even has a chance to try anything," said Naruto seriously.

Rin looked utterly confused at this point.

"Uh, Tohsaka, meet my adopted older brother Naruto Emiya-Einzbern."

"_ADOPTED OLDER BROTHER?!"_ shrieked Rin in horrified shock.

"Yo."

Rin's eyebrow was twitching, big time.

"So let me get this straight. You're Shiro's adopted older brother because his father Kiritsugu Emiya, the magus killer took you in eight years before the last Grail War started. You were allowed to stay with the Einzbern family because they turned you into their private attack dog and to keep the current Einzbern Master, Illyasviel happy. You personally have no interest in the actual Grail as according to your father, it was corrupted sometime during the Third Grail War. Am I getting this so far?" asked Rin.

"Pretty much. The only interest I have here is to keep my sister alive to the end so Zelretch can hold up on his end of the bargain when he took me on as Apprentice. Oh, and possibly Shiro if Illya doesn't strangle him first. Acht was really thorough when he turned her against Dad for destroying the Grail."

"And why is he _here_ exactly Shiro?" asked Rin.

"He pissed off Illya because he helped me summon Saber, so he decided discretion is the better part of valor and figured I would hide him until she calms down. Apparently she has a bit of an older brother complex and doesn't like Caster because of how she dresses," said Shiro, infinitely amused by the idea.

Rin choked at the idea of the great Einzbern Master having an older brother complex.

"Illya hates the way Caster flirts with me, and tends to react rather badly if I try to date anyone. Hence why I don't tend to bring dates home," chuckled Naruto.

"He said if he was going to annoy his little Snowstorm, then he was going to do it with style. Illya-chan had him hanging outside with only his boxers out the window before he booked," said Caster with mirth.

"Oi, I may let her hit me with blasting spells, but no way in the Root am I letting her sick that mountain on me! I'm not a freaking masochist!" said Naruto.

"What mountain?"

"Chibi Snowstorm summoned Berserker, and that guy is huge! Like muscles on top of more muscles huge! If I went back home now she would try to maim me, and I ain't fighting Berserker head on!" said Naruto passionately. Saber chuckled at his misfortune.

"Why do you call her Chibi Snowstorm?" asked Archer, speaking up for the first time.

"When she really gets going, she's like the worst blizzard you could ever experience...though originally I gave her the nickname because of the little tantrums she threw when she was still a baby. Root could she scream..." said Naruto with a fond chuckle.

Rin filed that information for later.

"So what are you going to do here?"

"Old man Acht could care less if I won or not. I'm just going to stay on the sidelines once I take out the Makiri clan and make sure Illya survives."

"What's your beef with the Matou clan?" asked Rin.

Naruto gave her a flat stare.

"I heard the real reason why the son who didn't take Magus lessons actually joined the war. Apparently the adopted daughter of the clan, Sakura, was implanted with crest worms almost immediately after she was taken in. Do you have any _idea_ what that can do to a little girl not even ten? The mere idea of someone doing that to a child...well, it pisses me off. Besides, it's not like the family would give a damn. Acht certainly seemed to agree with my idea to wipe them out."

Rin's eyes doubled in size. It was understandable considering the girl Naruto was talking about happened to be her younger sister.

"What are crest worms?" asked Shiro. He understood it was horrible, but not _why_ Rin seemed to suddenly agree with Naruto to kill off an entire family.

"Crest Worms are the lowest of the low familiar wise. But they are similar to a tentacle hentai, only they are even more painful than those things. The idea of a little girl being violated from head to toe with those disgusting abominations...well, Naruto didn't have to tell me twice for me to agree they have to be taken out," explained Caster with a grimace.

Shiro's eyes widened in horrified shock.

"And I've heard some rather unpleasant things about the current heir. Needless to say the only person who would be safe from my attack would be Sakura unless she has Stockholm Syndrome."

"What's..." started Rin.

"It means she sympathizes with her captors. She wouldn't realize they were trying to save her," explained Shiro.

"So we're all agreed then? Destruction of the Makiri line?" asked Naruto.

"You'll have my support," said Rin darkly. No way in hell was she letting that bastard get away for doing that to her baby sister. Shiro and the others nodded in agreement.

**Since I know the Nasuverse nuts will bug me about this, here are Caster's stats, altered to fit Naruto as her master. I'll do his stats next.**

**SERVANT CASTER**

Master: Uzumaki-Einzbern Naruto

Identity: Tamamo no Mae

Gender: Female

Height, Weight: 163cm/49kg

Alignment：Neutral

Strength: D

Endurance: D

Agility: A

Mana: A++

Luck: C

Noble Phantasm: B

**Class Skills**

Territory Creation: C

**Personal skills**

Witchcraft: EX

Ametarasu/Tsukiyomi/Susanoo: A+ (Basically she can do all the things the Uchiha clan can with their Mangekyo Sharingan)

Shapeshift: A+

**Noble Phantasm**

**Suiten Nikkou Amaterasu Yanoshisu Ishi**

**Rank: B  
Type: Anti-Army  
Range: 3 ~ 30  
Maximum number of targets: 100 people **

_**Uzumaki-Einzbern Naruto**_

_Status: secondary Einzbern Master_

_Age: 23 as of the Fifth Grail War (will revert to 8 in Narutoverse)_

_Mana: EX_

_Alignment: Neutral Good_

_Agility: A++_

_Endurance: A++_

_Luck: EX (gambling or other games) D (when on missions)_

_Strength: EX_

_Specialty: Kaleidoscope/clones/prana manipulation_

_Favorite things: subtlety, Illyasviel, explosions, and trolling_

_Dislikes: idiots, people who remind him that he is adopted into the family, and those who try to hurt his precious people_

_Noble Phantasm: EX_

**Bio:**

_**Naruto is the Jinchuriki of the Kyuubi no Yoko, but he is a master assassin. He is the adopted child of the Einzbern clan, and currently in the lead to become heir of the clan. He prefers the subtlety of killing rather than being loud, unless something annoys him enough. Then he breaks out the big guns. His favorite sayings are: "If I'm going to die, then by the Root I'll go out with a bang!", "You lack subtlety, and therefor must pay.", and "I hate you so much you damn vampire."**_

_**He is extremely fond to the point of being somewhat overprotective of his younger sister Illyasviel, despite not being blood related to her. He is known as the Einzbern Attack Dog because his grandfather Jubstachiet von Einzbern uses him to eliminate threats to the family or to privately take out any who have embarrassed the name enough to catch his attention.**_

_**At age thirteen he was picked by the Master of the Second True Magic Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg due to his Demon-class Mythical Beast which had been sealed in him as an infant. He succeeded in getting an apprenticeship with the Wizard Marshal when he was only fifteen.**_

_**One of the many notable things about Emiya Naruto (he is only an Einzbern in name, and prefers to go by his adopted father's name unless on assignment) is that he has an utter disregard for status unless he is putting someone of lesser power in their place. He has been known to call the vice-head of Clock Tower Old Hag to her face, though many pin the blame on his master for such disrespect.**_

_**The one thing he is truly known for among Mages is that Naruto 'steals' either the magic circuits of those he is sent to kill if he finds their ability interesting enough, or any Mystic Codes that catch his interest. It is to this end that he is considered the 'boogeyman' of many a younger Magus.**_

_**To date Naruto is known to have had thirty original circuits, though he inherited five of his adopted father Kiritsugu's on his death as well as his preferred weapons when killing Magi, and his contacts. He has 'taken' over two hundred and seventy-five circuits from his kills, as he rarely finds a Mythic Code worth looting.**_

_**Due to his large pain tolerance, Naruto has several alchemic arrays grafted onto him, though he only uses them rarely except as a trump card.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Naruto snuck back into the Einzbern castle a few days later...only to be hauled up by a less than amused Berserker on Illya's orders.

Illya was tapping her foot expectantly waiting for his explanation.

"Shiro is willing to talk to you, and I found some allies in taking out the Makiri family. I also found the identity of two Servants for you," said Naruto quickly.

"Start talking and I may allow you to go without having Berserker throw you," she said darkly.

"The Tohsaka heir, Rin Tohsaka, has summoned an Archer class servant like her father did. Shiro has summoned the same one Dad did last time, though how that happened I haven't the foggiest. I sensed an Assassin class on the temple hill, and Shiro had a run-in with Lancer, an Irishman in blue," said Naruto.

Illya growled at him for mentioning Shiro summoning the same Saber servant Kiritsugu had.

"To be fair Illya, dad _did_ try to come back to us, but Grandfather kept him away. According to Shiro dad kept leaving him alone with some civilians for months at a time before his condition grew so bad that he couldn't leave anymore," said Naruto.

"What?" demanded Illya.

"Dad tried to see you again, but Grandfather forbid it. The only reason I even got to see him again was because Zelretch took me here to Fuyuki and we ran into Shiro on the second trip," said Naruto.

"How was father in his last days?" asked Illya, despite her anger at being left all alone with just Naruto after the war.

One idiot heir had even mocked Illya about Irisviel openly in front of Naruto when he was fifteen and about to become Zelretch's official apprentice.

Needless to say that fool didn't live after Naruto, Illya and _Acht_ had gotten through with him, though Naruto had claimed the idiot's circuits as spoils of conquest since he had beaten Illya to the fool first.

No one mocked Irisviel or Illyasviel in front of Naruto and lived. Especially not when they tried to make Illya cry just because her mother was a homunculus and her father hadn't been able to see her before his death.

There was a reason why Naruto's nickname among the family was the Einzbern attack dog. If you pissed him off, or if you had angered the Head of the family by doing something monumentally stupid enough to damage the family name, then your days were numbered and Naruto would claim your magic circuits.

He already had a sizable collection of Mystic Codes in his arsenal.

"Dad was in pain the last time I ever saw him. He told me the Grail had been corrupted during the Third war, and that any wish made on it would be wrecked beyond recognition. I think old man Acht would be happy just knowing that the Einzbern family won this war instead of actually asking for a wish," said Naruto.

"The Grail was what killed him?" asked Illya.

Naruto nodded.

"He said when he had Saber destroy it, something evil spilled out and caused the fire. It apparently wasn't happy with him because it cursed him...he barely had enough circuits to make a decent barrier around that house he left Shiro. He did give me what circuits he had left though," said Naruto.

Illya was happy their father had acknowledged Naruto's skill enough to leave his gun to her older brother. Naruto preferred to keep it a secret weapon, but he always had it on him as a reminder of their father.

Besides, he had yet to find a good reason to actually _use_ the thing as it would eventually spread that he had it if he did.

"And what of our younger adopted sibling?"

"Apparently dad was feeling so relieved that even one person survived being in that fire that he adopted Shiro because he didn't have any family left. I think dad had a habit of taking in strays," shrugged Naruto upside down.

That calmed Illya down, as she vividly remembered how Naruto entered the family to begin with.

"So father adopted him out of mercy instead of leaving him to an orphanage?" she asked.

"Shiro seemed eager to hear anything about Kiritsugu, apparently he was so happy about the adoption that he even took over Dad's original wish, which was to save people without sacrificing them for that greater good tripe," said Naruto.

"You can put him down now Berserker. I've heard enough."

"So you're not going to have him toss me?" asked Naruto with amusement.

"Oh you've earned a punishment, just not something as simple as being thrown by Heracles. Berserker, punt him," said Illya with a smirk.

Naruto paled as Berserker pulled back his right leg and kicked him all the way past the boundary wards, as he screamed "FUUUUUCK!"

Illya laughed evilly. Revenge was sweet.

* * *

It took Naruto almost two days to make it back, and he brought a stray back with him. An Enforcer from the Magus Association who had her command seals ripped off.

Bazette apparently had information that had Naruto's interest the second she told him who cut off her right arm.

Apparently the priest, one Kirei Kotomine (former Master of the Assassin class and the only one Kiritsugu had been truly wary of when he entered the war) wasn't as unbiased as he was supposed to be.

In fact, according to Bazette, the man had stolen her Command Spells and taken control of Lancer mere moments after she summoned him, and she barely made it out alive from blood loss.

Illya agreed with Naruto that the information was well worth sparing the woman's life and even giving her a few potions to restore her health.

Considering how the fake priest could have badly blindsided them both with Lancer and a second Servant that Naruto could only assume was in fact Gilgamesh as his death had never been confirmed by Waver, it was well worth the price of a few potions.

Naruto and Caster immediately started to bolster the castle's boundary fields in the event that Gilgamesh attempted to pay them a visit in order to get to Illya. As her status as a Lesser Grail would be well known to Kirei, Naruto was not allowing that empty bastard anywhere near his little sister. He even started adding seals to delay and distract any intruders once chakra was added.

* * *

Rin found Naruto a few days after he saved Bazette with news.

"A servant has a massive boundary field around the high school. Judging by how foul it felt, I can only assume a Master is going to drain the entire student body to fuel their servant."

"And what of the Makiri heir?"

"I didn't see any command seals, though the little prick did try to forge an alliance with me earlier," she said in distaste.

If she hadn't heard what really happened to her former sister Sakura in the 'care' of the Matou clan, she might have tried to turn her away from Shiro's house. Instead she tried to keep Sakura far away from Shinji and Zouken so Naruto didn't have to worry about her when he destroyed them and their mansion.

"It can't be Caster, Lancer or Assassin, so that leaves Rider."

"He did have a book with him...seemed a mite overprotective of it, but wasn't smart enough to keep it well out of sight," said Rin.

"No command seals, but he carries an odd book. He must be taking the place of Rider's true Master. I've been researching the Makiri/Matou clan, and they do have in their possession a Mystic Code called the 'Book of the False Attendant' which would allow them to give control over to a fake Master. Chances are Sakura is the true Master of Rider," said Naruto out loud.

Rin looked unhappy with that news.

"What should we do about it?"

"First we'll kill Shinji and have Shiro keep Sakura at his house, far from Zouken. Rider shouldn't be a problem once they know that we intend to end the threat against their true Master," said Naruto.

"And the field?"

"Try to delay it a little until we know more about which Rider Sakura summoned. If confronted, then have Shiro call me and we'll take it out. Shinji is going to die one way or another, the question now is when," said Naruto firmly.

"Good riddance," said Rin.

The only reason she told Naruto about the book was because he was a powerful ally. He had become well known among the Magus community for his tendency to steal parts of family Crests to those who had earned his ire to make his own. Since it was highly doubtful that the head of the Einzbern clan would make the adopted son of the Magus Killer his heir (though strangely enough he hadn't been taken out of the running and was still allowed to call himself Einzbern despite not having the bloodline) Naruto was determined to make his own magical crest. No one had figured out _how_ Naruto learned the spell to remove circuits, as Zelretch certainly hadn't told him. It was well known that Naruto's stash of jewels held most of his stolen 'magical circuits/crests' to be used when needed...or given away to earn the favor of someone else.

Considering he was a force that even Enforcers didn't like to think of crossing, allying herself with him was only strategic planning. The fact he had Caster as his servant was just a major bonus.

She hoped that by getting on his good side he might spare a few magic circuits her way, since rumor had it that he had turned his thirty well-sized circuits into over two hundred and fifty thanks to his pilfering of other mages he killed.

* * *

Naruto was about to make a sandwich when his satellite phone went off. He preferred it to a cell because it had better reception in the areas he frequented...and because old man Acht would never allow a cell phone tower in the Einzbern lands.

"Hello? Shiro, what...You have got to be kidding me. I'll be there faster than you can cast a spell," said Naruto seriously.

Why did Rider pick _now_ of all times to activate the damn boundary field over the school?

Naruto whistled loudly, and Caster bounded up with a smile. She was never far from Naruto, to Illya's annoyance.

"What's up?"

"Rider activated the bounded field around the school. Shiro called to ask for help because they are almost overwhelmed."

"Finally some action!" said Caster.

Naruto smiled at her.

They vanished and reappeared at the high school where the air had gone blood red.

"Let's have some fun shall we?"

Naruto took out the skeletons while Caster started stabilizing the students with a minor bounded field through her talismans.

Caster, it seemed, used a similar method to Naruto's use of chakra seals. It only made working with her much easier for Naruto.

Finally they reached Rin, Shiro, Saber and Archer. Rider was standing in front of Shinji, and Naruto looked at him with a particularly bloodthirsty smile.

Shinji, the coward, took one look at the blond and nearly wet himself. Clearly Zouken had not informed his so-called heir that the Einzbern Attack Dog was in the War as Caster's master.

"Shiro, Rin, would you mind allowing me to deal with this piece of filth?" asked Naruto.

Shiro and Rin didn't think twice, and moved out of Naruto's way. He ignored Rider completely and went after Shinji who was so terrified of Naruto that he failed to command Rider to stop him. Naruto closed the little bastard's voice box before he got his wits about him to try.

Rider went back to Sakura upon Shinji's messy death, after Naruto had left fake evidence that Shinji had released some sort of virus to incapacitate the school. Several fake canisters full of dry ice, among other things, and the police wouldn't think twice about the incident.

* * *

Naruto waited for Sakura in Shiro's home as she had fled the mansion once she heard Shinji's plans. Shiro and Rin came back to find a terrified Sakura across from a rather annoyed Naruto.

"Came down Sakura! He isn't going to hurt you," said Shiro.

"I heard what he did to Shinji," she said in a bare whisper. She was naturally terrified of the Einzbern Attack Dog, as Shinji had used Naruto as the equivalent of the bogeyman to the girl once they had a name for him at the Clock Tower.

Shinji used to tell her that if she didn't cooperate, he would call Naruto to steal her magic.

"Sakura...Naruto plans to kill off Zouken. He heard about what happened to you from Kiritsugu, his adopted father and he plans to finish what Uncle Kariya started," said Rin quietly.

Naruto looked Sakura dead in the eye.

"I have no plans to harm you...or Rider for that matter. My main concern is to protect Illya and kill off the Makiri family. Grandfather Acht has given me permission to go all out in order to take out that undead scum. Since you were a Tohsaka before you were given to the Matou, I have no reason to come after you."

Sakura shivered at the reminder, which sometimes gave her nightmares.

"Furthermore if we deal with Zouken _now_, then he won't become an issue once we dismantle the damn Grail once and for all."

"What of the Einzbern head?" asked Sakura quietly.

"All he cares about is us _winning_ the Grail. Once we tell him about why Kiritsugu originally destroyed it in terms he would understand, he shouldn't care about us removing the Grail from existence...though it might be easier to just remake the damn thing altogether if he's that desperate to reach the Root."

Naruto already had a plan for that eventuality. Once Acht was informed the Grail had been corrupted to the point that it could affect the Root, he might be open to the idea of moving it away from Fuyuki and someplace less populated. As long as Naruto stole the original notes to the Servant system, which was what Zouken contributed and convinced Zelretch to reconnect the Throne of Heroes again, he didn't see any real issues.

Now he just had to 'win' the Grail War to butter the old grouch up.

With the assurance that he wouldn't come after her if she stayed far away from the Makiri mansion, Sakura was deftly taken care of by an increasingly worried Rin and a rather dense Shiro. Illya was less than pleased that her brother had left without warning.

* * *

"Where have you been?"

"Dealing with Rider and taking out a Matou. I even made Rider a non-issue by insuring her true Master wouldn't be around to witness the destruction of the Matou mansion. Coincidentally would you like to join the fun when we raid that place?"

Illya smirked.

"Explosions are sure to be a guarantee, correct?"

"Absolutely. And Root knows we're going to have to burn the place to insure those damn worms are dealt with permanently."

"Count me in. Grandfather would definitely be pleased if we robbed the Makiri mansion for all their magecraft notes," said Illya.

"Which reminds me, I need to have a little discussion with him. He might be open to us dismantling the thing if we buttered him up first," said Naruto with a smirk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, first off since a lot of people seem to think I'll follow the tried and true method and simply make Naruto an instant genin once again loyal to Konoha I have to say this.**

**ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?! **

**This Naruto is going to be chibified, but he's going to be more like a snarky, more guarded version of _Anko_ than anything else. The only reason he's going back is because Zelretch is _making_ him go. As for the stats, yes I forgot the add his personal skills, but I honestly forgot about that part. Tamamo's was simply an altered version from the Wiki page I used.**

**Another thing is that yes he is a bit overpowered, but there is a reason for that.**

**He was freakishly strong in canon and that was _half_ trained at best. This time he's _fully_ trained and is not longer a child. He is five years older than Illyasviel which puts him at twenty-three during the fifth Grail War. He has been put through multiple training sessions with the Einzbern clan that would make normal men break from the strain. So yes, he is going to be a bit overpowered.**

**As for the loyalty to Konoha...yeah right. He was abused and he is well aware of it. He is _not, _I repeat _not_ going to break down in front of the old man and tell him everything. He prefers to hide in the shadows and strike when people least expect it. And that means keeping his mouth shut about being a Magus and a jounin.**

**Sorry if I ranted a bit but I was tired of reading reviews biting my head off about the issue. I'll see what I can put up about his personal Magus skills next chapter or the one after.**

* * *

"_You want to _what_?"_ demanded Acht.

"We need to dismantle the Grail. The thing was corrupted during the Third war, and the last thing we need is to have the Root poisoned by the sum of all of Humanity's evil."

"_And what in Akasha's name made you think I would agree to this idea?"_

"First off, when we kill Zouken we'll be stealing all their magecraft notes, including whatever he has on Servants. Secondly, the few people I've allied us with have agreed to hand over their Servants and Command Seals to me so that the _victor_ of this war is the Einzbern family. And third, I believe it possible to recreate the whole system somewhere that would benefit the family and hopefully not have a broken Grail to deal with."

Acht couldn't believe the audacity of the boy. True, all three points were favorable to the Einzbern clan and they would be credited with the destruction of a family line that no longer produced magus blood. There was also the fact that as an adopted Einzbern, Naruto would be considered as strong as a clan head because he could theoretically handle as much as four different Servants, including his own. Among those in the running for the status of Heir, Naruto was the only one who didn't give a damn about the whole thing, or had any interest in displacing him.

In fact Naruto had never even shown an interest in trying to take the position, or even shown any indication that he knew he was in the running for the spot.

Acht idly wondered how Naruto would react if he knew he was currently in the lead for the heir position, despite being adopted.

He seemed to consider these points.

"_Any ideas of where we would move the thing, let alone convince the Wizard Marshal to reconnect the Grail should we dismantle it?"_

"Someplace where Masters would have to actually _work_ at killing each other. The amount of foreplay to actually seeing any real fighting is ridiculous, and we might be able to cut the Church out if we remove the battles from non-magical areas."

The Church had only been brought in because they immediately realized that they would have a hell of a time cleaning up after such a massive war between Magi thanks to the fact it was taking place in an occupied city full of normal civilians.

"_They won't be happy to be taken out of the equation_," Acht reminded him.

"Well they have no room to talk, since according to an informant I found outside our bounded fields here, the one in charge of giving sanctuary to Masters who lose their Servants or Command Seals is in fact a former Master and has already stolen the Command Seals to Lancer mere moments after the Servant was brought out."

"_Is this informant alive?"_

"We spared her life because she had good information. The church where the 'priest' is located has a foul feeling that only comes from magecraft forbidden by Clock Tower. I believe this Kotomine Kirei is using regular humans to keep his Servants active."

"_Servants. You mean he has a second one?"_

"I spoke to one of the former masters from the last war, and according to him, Saber fought Archer in the end, but his death was never confirmed. I suspect that the Archer spirit known as Gilgamesh is still active and have already boosted the security around the estate the moment I even heard he might be alive," said Naruto.

"_If you can confirm that Kotomine is violating the agreement, then I will consider your suggestion to dismantle and move the Grail Wars away from Fuyuki city. Keep this informant alive, if only so we can pin the blame on the Church later for why their so-called Sanctuary was destroyed,"_ said Acht.

"We have already given her a room and plan to keep her alive at least until the Grail is dealt with," said Naruto, having anticipated that order.

Acht chuckled and gave him a parting shot.

"_Keep this up and you'll be in first place as my Heir."_

Naruto blinked at that news, but shrugged it off. He always thought that the old manipulator had removed him from the succession line after what happened with Kiritsugu.

* * *

"I don't see why your so surprised Grandfather still has you in the line for succession," said Illya, drinking her tea.

"I always thought he removed me after they found that demonic-class mythical beast in me," said Naruto, drinking some of the Einzbern mead that had been in the cellars.

"Grandfather didn't remove you when heard that news. If anything he was impressed with the fact the Wizard Marshal snatched you up once that came out. According to the standings among the servants, you're in ninth place to be the heir. The only reason none of the others have come after you is because they fear you," said Illya.

"That and because I'm usually in Clock Tower and it's frowned on to kill your family out in public where you can been found out," snorted Naruto.

It was considered a sign of ill-breeding for someone from a respected family like the Einzberns to kill a possible threat so openly, or worse, to get _caught_ trying. Naruto had been called a few times to deal with the idiots who didn't understand the word subtlety.

Apparently that was part of the reason he was so high up in the rankings...no one could ever pin the blame on him when he 'dealt' with the fools and stole their Mystic Codes.

Naruto was about to reply to her witty retort when he sat up.

"Someone just broke through the outer barrier, and since Rin, Sakura and Shiro are allied with us, that only leaves..."

"Lancer and Assassin," said Illya.

"And a possible Archer class. Illya, take Berserker and get out of here. I'll deal with whatever the hell just broke through. We can't have you captured," said Naruto firmly.

Illya nodded and called her Servant. They made their escape through a lesser known path that lead out of the bounded fields, but didn't put them in the way of whatever was coming.

"Caster?"

"Ready when you are Master," said Caster with a smile.

"I want you to guard Illya and the others. I'll not chance someone like Zouken getting his mitts on my little Snowstorm, let alone that fake priest."

"But..."

"I will use a Command Seal if I have to. I don't want to loose you or Illyasviel."

Caster pouted but was touched by his addition that he didn't want to lose her.

"In any case, I will stay by your side Master."

"If that's your wish, then you had better arm yourself to the teeth while I get a nasty surprise for our intruder."

Naruto retrieved his father's old gun, which he had kept in extremely good condition as it was quite useful in killing a Magus and loaded it with the hard to find bullets. He had about fifteen of them, so he didn't want to waste one needlessly.

Finally he got a good look at whole intruded on the Einzbern castle, and he snarled.

It was Makiri Zouken, as smarmy as you please.

Suddenly Naruto didn't feel so bad about bringing his father's gun out of storage.

"What does a leech like you want with us?" sneered Naruto.

"I was curious what sort of person would kill my grandson and heir so callously. Thanks to you I've had to go to my back-up," said Zouken. Just being this close to him made his skin crawl.

"If you're referring to that girl, I'm afraid she's beyond your reach."

"The Tohsaka brat is not out of my reach, little boy. I have ways to keep her from turning against me," sneered Zouken.

"Your little worms? Please, I removed those and put her under a magical quarantine. She was more than happy to be kept away from _you_," sneered Naruto.

Naruto had destroyed the worms using the Kyuubi no Yoko's chakra, as it's corrupting influence was more powerful than simple crest worms. As an unexpected bonus, pushing that much chakra through her body gave her a rather painful awakening of her chakra coils. She now had a low-chunin's worth of the energy flowing through her. Add to that fact that Naruto and Caster had all but put her in a locked room so no outside magic could get in...well, Zouken would have difficulty getting to his 'spare'.

Sakura was very quick to agree that outside of recreating the Grail wars somewhere _away_ from populated areas, that she wouldn't pursue the Makiri line of magic.

Not after the way they treated her at any rate. She wouldn't pursue jewelcraft either, as that was Rin's specialty not hers. Chances were that Acht would have Naruto marry Sakura into the Einzbern family in order to completely erase the Makiri/Matou family, considering Naruto was an Einzbern by adoption.

Zouken sneered at him openly, pissing Naruto off even more than his presence in his home already did.

"Just wait brat...I'll have my revenge sooner than you think," he said.

"But before that...Caster, kill this worm," said Naruto.

"With pleasure Naruto-kun."

Caster activated a lesser known skill of hers, as she created a secondary body with one of her nine original tails. It stabbed Zouken in the heart before setting him on fire with Amaterasu's holy flames.

Naruto had easily figured out what her original name was, but in order not to reveal the game, he always referred to her Servant status.

After all, it wasn't every day that one summoned the beautiful fox-spirit who was a servant of Amaterasu, Tamamo-no-Mae, as your Servant.

Zouken screamed loudly before his false body was destroyed in the flames. Naruto looked at the crest worms on the ground with disgust before he stamped them out with a vengeance.

He hated those things. A Magus should have _some_ standards when it came to familiars.

"It would seem we need to make his destruction a priority to get anything done about that damn priest," said Naruto, stamping out the last vile worm.

"I agree," said Caster.

* * *

"Where is Illya?" demanded Naruto.

"Illya? We haven't seen her," said Shiro.

"What?!" said Naruto.

"We didn't know Illya was coming here," said Rin.

Naruto cursed openly. He knew Zouken didn't have her, which left only one possible culprit.

"We'll have to attack the Church before we go after Zouken then. I am not leaving my sister in the hands of a corrupt Priest," snarled Naruto.

Naruto looked at each Servant individually.

"Right, we need to plan for our attack on the Church. Grandfather said he would back us if we could prove that the Observer they chose is in fact an active Master, legally or not. That should give us some leeway when we dismantle the Grail system and have it moved."

Rin looked at him with her mouth agape.

"You plan to move the Grail Wars?!"

"It's a magically-enclosed system, one that was corrupted by an idiot summoning an extra servant during the third war. If we can, we should try to move the Grail to a location far less populated. I'm sure Dad would have agreed with the idea, since he really didn't like the fact civilians were considered open game during the Wars," said Naruto flatly.

Shiro was nodding his head in agreement.

"That's the only reason I'm in this, aside from keeping Illyasviel from strangling me because Kiritsugu adopted me after the last war. I want to keep the innocent from being caught up in a Mage War like the school was," said Shiro.

Rin was frowning big time. About the only major contribution the Tohsaka family made was the location and the allowance to use the natural leylines.

Naruto noticed her annoyance, so he informed her of his true plan.

"I'm going to have you and Sakura use the Makiri notes on the Servant system since we're moving the Wars away from civilians. That way the Tohsaka clan will be noted for it's powerful clan head and their ability to use Makiri research for something that can be noted."

"Thus allowing me to regain the prestige we've lost since the Wars started," noted Rin.

"You could even work as an agent of mine to regain the capital you've lost since the wars," said Naruto.

Rin didn't like that option, as any competent magus could see that she would essentially be at the whim of the Einzbern family.

Still, it was better than being the laughing stock of the Magi community.

"Plus there's the fact I could probably talk to Zelretch on your behalf to take over my old apprenticeship..." hinted Naruto.

"Sold," said Rin deadpan. If she had someone to speak for her to the old vampire, then maybe he might lighten up on the crap he was sure to put her through later.

* * *

Archer watched the events with a surprised eye. Rin had told him to guard the house while they strategized so they wouldn't be caught unawares by Zouken or Kirei. He fully approved of the idea, considering it gave him time to think on how different this Grail war was from the ones he had been stuck in, and it gave them an edge considering the Archer class's keen eyesight.

The first change to the Grail War he was familiar with was the fact Shiro had been able to summon Saber properly and with full knowledge of what he was actually doing. Saber was being powered like she should have been from the start. The second was that Shiro had been in contact with the Einzbern family before meeting Illyasviel, and had been well aware of her existence before the war.

But the biggest change was that this time, the strongest player in the war wasn't interested in the Grail itself, but the destruction of the Makiri clan and the dismantling of the corrupt Grail.

The fact that the Einzbern clan head was aware of this fact and had given conditions to earn his approval for the move was another massive shock.

Proving Kirei was breaking the rules all along, killing Zouken and saving the lives of Illyasviel and Sakura before they were used as Lesser Grails...well, it certainly wasn't what he expected this go around.

He was going to continue observing the changes when the cause of said differences came up with some hot drinks.

"If I hear another what if by Rin I'm going to steal her coffee in the morning," chuckled Naruto.

Archer observed Naruto.

He had a lean, lithe build and tan skin. His hair was a very light blond, like he spent plenty of time in the sun. His eyes were a sharp sapphire, like cut gems and quick to ascertain his next move. He was about six feet tall, and built like a gymnast who fought regularly. Nothing was wasted in his movements. He had a trio of whisker-like markings on his face on each side, almost feral in looks. On each arm were lines, most likely the magic circuits he obtained from his spoils. He had overheard an amused remark from the man himself that he had nearly three hundred the circuits, and over fifty Mystic Codes from those he was sent to take out. He was proud of his nickname as the Einzbern Attack Dog.

Unlike most of the potential Einzbern heirs, Naruto was a great believer of a back-up plan. Instead of trying to off the others, he let them do his job for him while he strengthened his own position as a Magus first. He took his honor as an Einzbern seriously, but never reacted unless the action called for it. If he wasn't picked, then he would have his own power to fall back on.

Probably why he was the current favorite to actually _obtain_ the same crest the others coveted. Jubstacheit von Einzbern was not a fool. He would pick the best of the crop to succeed him, and Naruto was quickly proving to all that blood does not a Magus make. Just because he was adopted did not mean that he was any less of an Einzbern.

"I can only imagine her reaction to her precious coffee being denied," said Archer dryly. He earned a snort from Naruto in response, who handed over a cup of steaming hot tea.

"I prefer a stout brew when guarding things, instead of some half-ass name brand coffee," said Naruto dryly.

Archer took a careful sip of the drink. It was strong, and quite eye-opening. He would have to get the recipe.

"So, how did the war end?" asked Naruto casually.

Archer nearly choked on his tea. He gave Naruto an incredulous look.

"Don't give me that. You look like an older, more mature version of Shiro-chan, only your hair is white and your skin tone is too tan. Rin probably hasn't even realized _who_ you really are yet."

"It ended badly, with either Sakura or Illya used to summon the Grail and Saber sacrificing herself to destroy the Grail."

"Any ideas of what to expect when we storm the Church?"

"A few. It changed a little each time, but I know most of the defenses."

"Good. I can take point while you tell them the defenses so we can deal with Kotomine properly. He won't die, but he'll wish he had when I'm through with him."

"Gilgamesh has a Noble Phantasm similar to my own. He easily destroyed Berserker once. Shiro might be able to take him evenly, but he would need to know how to utilize his Reality Marble for that idea to work."

"I can supply the circuits he needs, you supply the knowledge. Either way I won't let your future become set in stone. Shiro _will_ learn to rely on people," said Naruto.

"You have a deal," said Archer.


	5. Chapter 5

The air was a crisp, cool one as they carefully approached the Church. With Archer's knowledge of how it went before, and the fact that Naruto's plan to 'kill' the remaining Servants without actually removing them, thus keeping the Grail from absorbing their energy, would ruin any real knowledge he had outside of the original defenses, they were running on faith at the moment that Naruto would lead them out alive.

Archer had done what Naruto called a 'memory download' into Shiro's brain and shown him most of his collection so that Shiro could 'Trace' it for his own. Naruto donated twenty-three circuits, one of which had belonged to Kiritsugu since Naruto inherited what was left of the Emiya family crest before his death. Unfortunately he couldn't experiment with it without drawing the ire of his grandfather.

Naruto had bargained with Lorelei when he was eighteen to receive what little remained of it from Kiritsugu's father before he was killed. It had been worth allowing some of the Magus Association to study his odd 'Bijuu Chakra' when filtered through his body in a sort of cloak to get that. Painful, but worth it, since Zelretch apparently noted a flaw in the seal holding the demon at bay and had convinced Naruto to get it fixed by the only people capable of such a thing...the best seal masters of Uzushiogakure.

They had been appalled that the filter seal was so badly made that they had fixed it...after Naruto spent an entire week explaining why there were now _two_ versions of the Nine-Tailed Fox.

Unlike Mito, who had been the container when Naruto went to the Whirlpool Village, Naruto was content to allow the fox to roam his mind instead of caging it like his mother apparently had.

Kurama, as the fox told had told him his name when Naruto defended him against the idiot mages who wanted to remove him for further study, preferred Naruto infinitely to his mother or Mito. Apparently some of Naruto's dry wit came from hours of chatting with the fox on how to make people who annoyed them pay.

Naruto had a rather amusing idea for how to deal with upstart Uchiha clan members who pissed him off too much. The second he heard the idea, Kurama immediately agreed to help Naruto master his bijuu-cloak form should he ever pull it off without getting caught. Zelretch had laughed openly when he was told of it.

Shiro and Archer would fight Gilgamesh, since their reality marble was in fact one and the same. If one fell down, the other would come right back up and keep shooting.

Rin, Rider, and Saber would be the first wave of assault while Naruto and one of Caster's doubles would sneak in to retrieve Illya.

If what Archer said was true, then it was likely Gilgamesh had already killed Berserker.

Bazette was with Sakura in the magically-enclosed quarantine area Naruto made, to insure that Kirei didn't finish her off and kill their only witness.

Kirei himself would be kept alive, barely, so that they could prove he had illegally become a Master to keep the Church off their ass when they investigated why they had stormed what was supposed to be accorded neutral ground.

* * *

Archer and Shiro stood side-by-side waiting for Gilgamesh to appear. The former Archer-class knew that the current one was a 'faker', so he would definitely show up to kill them both because of their power.

They didn't have to wait long, and the golden king sneered at them.

Considering Naruto had boosted Shiro's original meager reserves (after he had to teach the boy how to access said circuits on the third time they had met face-to-face) his chances of survival had only jumped.

If Gilgamesh took out Archer (which would upset Rin and annoy Naruto, as he had liked Archer's rather dry wit when irritated with Shiro) then Shiro could conceivably defeat the illegal Servant thanks in part to the fact that Archer was no longer around.

As it was Naruto already had a list of Servants that he would keep alive once he 'killed' them off by sending them to his original homeworld via the Kaleidoscope.

The only way the war would end, legally, would be if only one servant remained. Whether or not they were killed was a moot point, as the object of the war was to be last man standing.

Since Rin, Shiro and Sakura had all agreed to be taken to another world, which would effectively take them 'out of the running' so to speak while keeping their Servants 'alive', it would essentially make Naruto the winner for the Einzbern family.

The fact that they would immediately dismantle and hopefully move the Grail War somewhere less problematic for mages to operate was considered a bonus.

As long as Naruto _won_ the Grail War and brought honor to the Einzbern family, Acht didn't care what he did with the damn thing.

* * *

Rin growled when she saw Kirei standing there with Lancer, who looked very displeased. Behind the fake priest was a badly injured Illyasviel, who wasn't even conscious from the pain she was in. Naruto would be pissed when he found her.

"I wasn't expecting you to blatantly attack me in my territory Rin-chan," said Kotomine coolly.

"And I wasn't expecting the Observer chosen by the Church to violate the agreement laid down by my ancestors just to win the war illegally with two stolen Servants, one of which belonged to my father!" spat Rin.

"This coming from a child who believes that she can ally herself with the Einzbern's attack dog without getting bit?" he calmly retorted.

"He made a convincing argument," said Rin coldly.

"I can see you won't see reason. Lancer, kill them," said Kotomine.

"Sorry girlies. I can't argue with him," said Lancer. From his tone, it was pretty damn clear he hated Kotomine as much as they did, but was being forced to fight.

What neither Kotomine or Lancer heard above them was Naruto chanting a spell that would forcibly steal Kotomine's Command Seals. All he had to do was land a blow and they would transfer the spells to Naruto's left hand.

It was one of the lesser things he had found by accident when Rin offered to let him look for the spells that the Tohsaka clan had used to help create the Grail War. No way was she searching that damn library if she could get others to do it.

Besides, Naruto already admitted he had no interest in Jewelcraft, which was the basis of her particular area of magecraft.

Naruto dropped down, silent as a ghost, behind Kotomine. The man barely sensed his presence at all, and was unable to defend himself from the wound Naruto gave him with his kunai.

Zelretch was apparently kept entertained enough by Naruto's meddling to keep him fully stocked on basic shinobi supplies, such as kunai, shuriken and other essential items. He even helped get Caster new tags, ink and brushes so she could increase the amount of talismans she had without expending her prana.

Kirei actually cried out in pain when the Command Seals were literally ripped out of his stolen arm and placed onto Naruto's left hand. Lancer paused from where he was fighting Saber, with Rider making the odd potshot at him.

"What have you done?!" demanded Kotomine, knowing that Gilgamesh was too distracted by the duo outside to help him, and Lancer certainly wasn't inclined to save his ass.

"Made sure that you have one less trump card," said Naruto. His eyes were decidedly colder than ice.

He looked at the girls, since they had been freed of dealing with Lancer now that he was under Naruto's command.

"Remember, we need him _alive_ to prove that he violated the treaty first. Other than that, no need to keep most of him intact."

It would take little doing to prove that Kotomine had stolen Bazette's arm, as her skin tone didn't match his and there were certainly scars left behind. Once they proved he had illegally obtained a Servant, despite being the Observer for this war, the Church would have no leg to stand on for their attack on accorded neutral territory.

Rin looked decidedly predatory as she glared at Kotomine.

Naruto carefully removed his sister, who was placed in Caster's care while he went to check on Archer and Shiro.

Illya cried out without warning, as Archer's existence was abruptly snuffed out.

Naruto raced outside to find the one Servant that they had yet to see, Assassin, which for once wasn't the Hassan-I-Sabbah. No, this was a little girl in black armor with twin blades. The armor barely covered her at all, and her hair was white as bone.

She had her blade ready to kill Shiro and possibly Gilgamesh when Naruto struck first.

A single gut-punch damaged her insides as he had used a ball of pure chakra-manipulation that Kurama had coached him through which he had called the Rasengan. The girl's insides were so torn up that if she escaped (which wasn't likely considering Naruto's mood at that point) it would take more time than she would have before Naruto got to her, this time with reinforcements.

Naruto turned to Gilgamesh, since he had been successfully kept at bay while he dealt with Kotomine's second Servant Lancer.

"Since I can only assume you killed Berserker and captured my sister, that means I have the pleasure of killing you. Shiro, you're my back-up," said Naruto, his tone brokering no argument on the matter.

Shiro's eyes grew grim, as he hated Gilgamesh anyway for his comments about Saber being 'his', like she was a piece of meat one could purchase.

A sentiment shared by Archer, as they had grown rather angry when he spewed that tripe.

"Death to the windbag?" asked Shiro.

"Agreed."

Gilgamesh seemed to understand that he was in serious trouble, as Kotomine was too busy dealing with a pissed off Rin, angry Saber and furious Rider to supply him with the needed prana to use his best Noble Phantasm. At least not without having to deal with Rider afterwords, as she would most certainly take advantage of his temporarily weakened state to kill him.

He could, however, keep launching his collection at the two since it took far less energy to shoot them.

Not that it made a difference when Naruto unleashed one of his secret weapons... a half-formed Bijuu cloak fueled by four tails of demonic energy.

There was a reason why he could give away some of his hard-earned circuits to Shiro and Rin. He honestly didn't need them, but he wanted something to prove his claims of superiority to the lesser mages at Clock Tower.

Kurama was a being of pure energy, specifically chakra, but he had at least nine hundred _massive_ magic circuits when that energy was converted to prana.

And about four hundred of them was now at Naruto's disposal.

Gilgamesh wasn't in trouble. He was screwed.

* * *

"What in Akasha's name is that racket?" demanded Rin, as Kotomine was securely imprisoned within a magic-draining prison Caster made using chakra-seals.

"Master is very, very pissed right now. The amount of prana I'm getting..." said Caster with a red face. It was almost orgasmic.

Saber took a look outside and blanched.

"You might want to take a look at this before they kill him," said Saber.

Rin, Rider, and Illya who was breathing heavily but was moderately awake by now thanks to Caster giving her emergency treatment looked outside.

It was less of a battle and more like a warzone, and Naruto was definitely in full control of the fight. It wouldn't be long before the former Archer-class Servant was killed off. Nothing he used against Naruto had any effect whatsoever. It was either destroyed by the cloak, or batted away with contemptuous ease.

Shiro's role had been delegated to the same thing Rider had done until Naruto took full control of Lancer. In other words he took any shot he could just to piss off the golden king.

Lancer whistled at his new Master.

"Man, he doesn't hold any punches does he?"

"The girl Gilgamesh took for Kirei is his little sister," explained Rin.

Lancer winced. That certainly explained it. He had been the one to carry the girl, admittedly a lot easier than that pompous Archer would have. Aside from being delegated as packmule, he hadn't actually_ done_ anything to her.

Kirei, on the other hand...well, Lancer wouldn't miss him one bit.

There was one last loud crash, and Illya winced as Gilgamesh's energy flowed into her. She was glad that her brother was going to deal with the other Servants in an unusual manner, since she didn't think she would survive having all seven like they originally planned.

Naruto was drained once Gilgamesh was dealt with. He could walk, but the prana overload would take a few days to deal with. It was an annoying side effect of using the bijuu-cloak, Prana Mode.

He looked at Kirei like one would scum at the bottom of their shoes. Kotomine knew that if the Church didn't kill him, Naruto most certainly would, Enforcers be damned. And from the look in his eyes, his passing would most certainly would not be quick, painless or pleasant.

If Illya was overprotective about who came close to her brother, Naruto was overprotective in his sister's health. He used to fuss over her every time she got even a sniffle, as injuries were rather common in the life of a Magus...particularly if you were an Einzbern.

If he hadn't been so good at keeping her loyal to the family, he had little doubt that he would have lived past his thirteenth birthday after Kiritsugu destroyed the Grail.

* * *

Naruto slammed a pair of prana-absorbing cuffs on Kotomine, and none too gently. Thanks to the fact he went out on Gilgamesh, he would be next to useless for a day or two, which meant he had to rely on Caster until his reserves evened out.

Assassin glared at all of them, as she was bound in an even stronger prana-absorbing circle, on that would activate the second she tried to escape it.

Rin, Shiro, and Illya were currently enjoying dinner to restore their reserves, and Naruto would have joined them had he not had work to do.

He had to wait a few hours before he contacted Grandfather to insure Kotomine got what he fully deserved. He would have done it himself, had he wanted to tell _everyone_ about what Kotomine had done.

An Einzbern should be nothing but discrete for something as embarrassing as this. And he didn't want the Church on his ass once word got out.

Acht listened to his report, including the destruction of Gilgamesh with something akin to approval in his eyes. Confiscating Lancer instead of destroying him gave Naruto a powerful Servant that now only obeyed him.

Naruto was naturally speedy, and had Bazette not summoned him first Acht didn't doubt for a second Naruto would have gotten Lancer instead.

Naruto had only two tasks to complete before he 'won' the war by displacing the other Masters and their Servants. He had to kill off the Matou line, namely Zouken who was the last of the blood, and end Assassin's Master who was the only one not in on the plan to dismantle and move the Grail.

At the moment he was focusing on Assassin, as she was easy enough to dispose of should he feel inclined to do so. All it would take was an order, and Caster would drain Assassin to the point where she wouldn't exist anymore.

"Well?" asked Rin.

"He's in a cell that is designed to drain prana to barely sustainable levels, and I slapped a pair of prana-absorption cuffs on him just to be safe. If he can get out of there, it will take days to recover from that level...more than enough time to have Caster find and kill him."

"How long until we go after that bastard Zouken?" asked Rin.

"At the most, three days. Naruto-nii can't use prana for three days after activating that weird cloak of his...his circuits were overloaded and need time to equalize," said Illya tiredly.

"First you're going to bed Little Snowstorm. Handling Berserker and both Archers can't be healthy for your body. And whatever that bastard priest did to you will have only worn you down further."

"What do you mean handling Berserker and the Archers in her?" demanded Rin.

"Illya is the physical embodiment of the lesser Grail. Once six of the seven Servants are taken out, she will become the Greater Grail at cost to her life. Naturally I very much would like to avoid that fate for her, which was why I'm hesitant to kill Assassin right off. However if that brat becomes too much trouble I will have Caster end her," said Naruto firmly.

* * *

**Naruto's Magecraft abilities, since people are so interested in it...**

_**Mystic Eyes- Rank A (Ability: complete hypnosis)**_

_**Alchemy- Rank B (has some ability towards Ice alchemy but prefers explosions)**_

_**Ice Magic- Rank A++ (has spent countless hours combining his water and wind elements)**_

_**Origin: Magic- Allows him to conceivably work with pure magic manipulation leading to some interesting results with his forays into Jewelcraft. The most noted effect of his origin is that it allows him to 'steal' powers from others if it's magical in origin. Namely his odd ability to 'store' magic circuits and crests into jewels...Not even Zelretch has figured out how that works.**_

_**Jewelcraft- Rank B+ (he mostly uses it to store his spare energy)**_

_**Reinforcement- Rank S+ (has been known to use this trick to reach Tsunade-levels of strength)**_

_**Projection- Rank C (has only been able to make kunai and shuriken)**_

_**Kaleidoscope- Rank S++ (Mostly uses this to go between worlds and use it as storage at this point. Will learn how to draw from alternates as his final test by Zelretch)**_

_**Bijuu Cloak- EX (So far he's able to go up to seven tails without trouble, but has yet to hit the 8 tail mark because of a warning Zelretch made about it unlocking his parent's shades.)**_

_**Healing Magic- Rank B+ (had to learn this on the go thanks to dealing with Zelretch and incensed Lorelei.)**_

_**Ice Armor- Rank S (developed to deal with Zelretch in playful mood)**_

_**Homunculi Creation- Rank B (mostly uses it to recreate imps from the **_**Overlord****_ games Zelretch introduced him to.)_**

_**Ultimate Trolling- Rank S+++ (he learned from the best)**_

_**Sealing (shinobi art)- Advanced, not yet at Mastery**_

_**Ninjutsu- Rank S++**_

_**Genjutsu- Rank C**_

_**Taijutsu- Rank S++ (EX if using reinforcement)**_

_**Kenjutsu- Rank A+**_

_**Wind chakra- Rank B**_

_**Water chakra- Rank B**_

_**Chakra Chains- Rank A+**_

_**Noted Mystic Codes:**_

_**Kiritsugu's Anti-Magus gun- Rank S (has fifteen bullets)**_

_**Einzbern Battle-Ax- Rank A++ (was given to him for managing to net Zelretch as a teacher by Acht)**_

_**Modified English Broadsword- Rank B (is enchanted never to break and can channel small amount of prana)**_

_**Einzbern Battle Armor- Rank A+ (was commissioned by Illyasviel after he obtained Jounin rank)**_

_**Kaleidostick Agate- Rank S++ (was given to him as a joke after Zelretch finally showed him his alternates Sexy Jutsu. Naruto punted him through four worlds for that one)**_

_**Wolf Wallet- Rank D (is connected to his accounts via Kaleidoscope and converts the cash into the local currency)**_

_**Jewel Sword- Rank A (is his only creation with Jewelcraft and took him ten tries to make it without it blowing up in his face)**_

_**Seal Tags- Rank A-S++ **_

_**Overlord Gauntlet- Rank B (was made after being introduced to the game before he made the imps)**_

_**Known Familiars:**_

_**Tamamo-no-Mae- Caster Class Servant**_

_**Kyuubi no Yoko (Rikudo Kurama)- Greater Bijuu **_

_**Imps- Homunculi creations used to annoy people, notably Jubstacheit. Can be controlled by a gauntlet that Naruto uses when he's Zelretch-level bored**_

_**Fang- Minor Wolf Youkai...is currently staying with Illyasviel as her pet dog.**_


	6. Chapter 6

Naruto awoke to find...an amused Rin and Sakura.

"What?"

Sakura giggled and he realized that there was an extra body cuddled up next to him...one that wasn't Caster.

Boy had Illya been pissed when she found Caster in his bed.

Naruto looked down to find Illya curled up so close to him that he couldn't move without dislodging her. Considering how pale she was, he decided to simply pick her up. She was so tiny that he could do so with ease. Illya snuggled even closer mumbling in German.

"Why are you not embarrassed?" asked Rin annoyed.

"Because I'm used to the cuddly version of my little Snowstorm whenever I spend any time in the same castle as her. It's half the reason why I haven't found any Magus-bred girl to settle down with."

"And the other half?"

"There's always the high chance that Grandfather would arrange something if I tried," admitted Naruto.

"Which reminds me, Caster said he called earlier," said Rin.

"Morning Master!" said Caster, bubbly as ever. Rin and Sakura twitched at the sight of Caster's extremely revealing clothing, which at the moment was a maid costume.

"What did Grandfather say?"

"The Church will dispose of Kotomine as soon as the War 'ends'. Apparently they were greatly displeased with the fact that one of their most prestigious members embarrassed them so thoroughly. Though as payback you have to clean up any existence of Magecraft seen by normals," said Caster.

"That's a small price to pay."

"Zelretch-san also called, and he said once this was over and the Grail moved, he was giving you the last task in order for you to earn your full Magus rank," said Caster.

Naruto grimaced, as he was sadly _well_ aware of what Zelretch had in mind. The vampire was the Ultimate Troll, and he lived to make other people pissed off.

He was making Naruto go through his life in the village he took him from until he either reached Jounin again or achieved an S-ranking, whichever came first.

Naruto was also aware that in order to amuse himself, he was reversing Naruto's actual age to that of a eight-year-old Academy student, just to piss him off and to keep the fact he wasn't loyal to the village he was born in a secret.

It was little secret that his alternates became genin and never achieved the higher ranks until he finally became the leader of the same village that despised him. Naruto had no intention of falling into the same pattern. He was going to make waves, and damn the consequences!

* * *

Two days after capturing Kotomine and finding out who summoned Assassin and killing him, who was currently attached to Rin since they didn't want to make Illya's condition worse, Naruto was ready to deal with the Makiri head once and for all.

Sakura was placed under so many prana-draining seals as Caster could safely use on her, since Naruto wasn't entirely sure that the chakra killed off all the worms, that she was of no use to them in the fight.

Assassin seemed to be happy with the arrangement, as her previous Master happened to be Shiro's now deceased teacher, though how he convinced Assassin not to kill him was a mystery. According to Zelretch, Jack the Ripper preferred female Masters, as the last time she had been summoned she killed her true Master and attached herself to his girlfriend.

Rin had taken to calling Assassin Jackie, and viewed her as a younger sister to keep the peace.

Naruto's magical circuits were still recovering, but now he could use his chakra without killing himself and most of his best attacks.

Having a demonic-type Mythical Beast sealed inside of you to reverse any damage done was useful...particularly if they happened to favor you.

Since Naruto had promised Kurama that he would use any Uchiha for his magecraft experiments once he was back in Konoha, the fox tended to look on his container rather favorably.

Naruto put on his best armor, which had the Einzbern crest emblazoned on the back. Any Magus who was worth his salt would realized that this was a blood feud between Naruto and Zouken, and that the Einzbern had officially given him permission to destroy what was left of the Makiri line.

The second Zouken was dead, Rin was adopting her sister back into the Tohsaka family. Any children Sakura had would either be a Tohsaka or whatever her husband's name was.

Illyasviel would stay behind and watch over Sakura. She had a secret weapon should the Crest Worms not be destroyed called the Dress of Heaven. If Zouken tried to manifest inside Sakura, Illya would complete the Dress and put his soul into a doll that they would later destroy.

Naruto was nothing if not thorough.

* * *

Naruto had Caster send a body double to scan the barriers around the mansion. Caster recoiled in disgust from how foul it felt.

"Naruto-kun, we can't destroy this place fast enough," said Caster with a grimace. For her to drop her usual bubbly persona, that meant the place was _really _foul.

"Since I don't want any of you to be taken out by any defenses early, I do believe it's time to send in the clones," said Naruto with a cold smirk.

It was such a useful trick he was shown in Uzushiogakure, and it cut his studying in half. Already he had located most of the research notes Rin would use to recreate the Grail in another location.

"Shadow Clone Jutsu," intoned Naruto bored.

Two thousand solid clones appeared in full armor, and the bounded field Naruto and Caster had put up before even coming out of the open would keep the civilians far away, if the aura of the mansion already hadn't.

"Men, you know what to do. Destroy the barriers, or at least mark where they begin and end."

"Sir, yes Sir!" they intoned back with a salute. In groups of four they systematically broke, determined and marked where each barrier was. Within half an hour Naruto had determined where each barrier was and what type. The amount of needless death Zouken caused to make those kinds of barriers...it made him sick.

"Assassin, can you break some of the more difficult barriers?" asked Naruto.

Assassin scowled, but took off at a run at Rin's nod. Naruto was the one in control here, and no one said she had to like it.

It took her ten minutes to break some of the more...disturbing barriers, though she took a few good hits. Rin supplied her more prana to heal her minor injuries.

"Caster, status," said Naruto.

"A third of the barriers have been destroyed, and two fifths have had their boundaries marked. Assassin took out a good chunk of them," said Caster.

"The clones have made it into the mansion. So far nothing has attacked them..." Naruto paused, "Scratch that, the crest worms in the basement are in an agitated state. We'll kill Zouken while Shiro and Saber set off the explosives. Rin, you and Assassin will be loaded up the clones with any research you can find. And if you happen to pilfer a few Mystic Codes along the way, well, that's not exactly _my_ problem."

Rin smirked. There was a reason why she liked Naruto. He looked the other way to a little judicious pilfering, despite being the leader.

"And what of Lancer?" asked Rin.

"I left him to guard the others. I'm not leaving my sister that weakened without anyone to keep her safe."

He had ordered Lancer to keep Illyasviel safe, regardless of the cost. Fortunately Lancer was willing to do so without Naruto using a command seal on him, since Bazette was currently far from the fighting in Shiro's house.

Naruto created another five hundred more clones to take out any defenses in the house.

Thanks to the training he had from Uzushiogakure, he could make five thousand clones before he actually broke a sweat. So far his record was a little under ten thousand before he stopped because he actually felt the strain. He always left some in reserve as a precautionary measure, but considering his training ten thousand was overkill on most opponents.

The fact his clones tended to have thirty well sized magic circuits didn't hurt either.

(He had tried to add more, but they always ended up getting destroyed before any progress was made. For some reason only the original could handle additional circuits, as the pain was too great for the clones to withstand. He took it as a good thing, considering it meant that there was still one area he wasn't very good at.)

The additional clones blew through any barriers by following the path the previous ones had made, and immediately started disabling any traps inside.

Naruto was less than pleased to discover that Zouken had fled the manor, even if he had left everything behind.

Naruto reached to his ear piece, which was a useful little thing he picked up in the shinobi nations and told the clones to remove any and all research into storage scrolls.

Naruto shuddered when he received memories of the clones entering the worm pit and felt them trying to enter the bodies. It took fifty clones to investigate that place, because somehow the worms managed to get into the clones, causing them to pop.

It took everything he had not to vomit from the sensations the clones passed on.

"Well?" asked Rin.

"Zouken is not in the manor. It's been abandoned. The clones have checked every nook and cranny, including that Root-damned worm pit, and they found nothing. They're bringing out anything of value or note so we can burn the place down," said Naruto.

Suddenly he stiffened as Lancer screamed at him that something passed through the bounded forest and was heading to the castle at a fast rate.

"Saber, you're in charge of destroying everything here. If anyone asks, blame Shinji for leaving an experimental bomb that had a time-delayed trigger. That should cover most of the damage if you get caught by civilians."

"Understood. Good luck," said Saber.

* * *

Naruto activated the odd seals he had left behind in the castle, and vanished in the room Illya was staying at. He would summon Caster with a Command once he understood the situation.

Sakura was writhing in agony as the one crest worm that had survived was acting up. Suddenly her prana turned dark, almost as bad as standing in front of Kurama before he agreed to work with him. Her skin and hair darkened, and Naruto realized the extent of what Zouken had did to her.

He had turned her into a literal _demon_ using those damnable worms of his.

He heard a cruel chuckle and knew that the undead leech was in the castle, and very close. Naruto looked to his sister.

"Illya, go with Lancer and seal Zouken. I'll deal with this mess in here."

"Yes big brother."

Zouken couldn't regenerate if his soul was sealed in a doll, untouched by Crest Worms. The Dress of Heaven had been the Einzbern secret weapon for years.

Sakura's eyes flew open, and suddenly her twitching stopped. Something about her felt foul, almost feral in nature as the Crest worm took control.

She was little more than a creature of desire and power, none of her personality remained while she was in this state.

Naruto couldn't summon Caster, and once he contained this Darker version of Sakura he could send Kyuubi's consciousness to eat whatever the hell was controlling her.

He would simply have to wear her down first. This would be fun.

* * *

Zouken sneered at Illya, who was backed by Lancer.

It took them five hours to pin him in one place long enough for Illya to grab what was left of his undead soul and place it into the nearest receptacle.

Unfortunately for Zouken, that happened to be an ancient urinal from who knows how long ago still stained from prior use. Why it was still in the castle when plumbing had been added, Illya had no idea.

Lancer went ahead to where the last sound of Naruto's fight with 'Dark' Sakura had been heard.

He found Naruto pinning the girl, who's clothes had been ripped practically to shreds, his eyes a fiery blood red color and his whisker marks, which Illya always thought made him look like some sort of cat, thicker than normal.

But what she focused on was the fact that somehow his pants had been ruined almost completely, revealing his boxer shorts...which were tented.

Illya saw a bloody red haze.

"NARUTO-NII!" she shrieked.

Lancer looked between the siblings and started laughing, hard. He couldn't wait to see how his current Master talked his sister down from this!

* * *

Despite the destruction of the Makiri line (Zouken was left to stew inside the...container...Illya had stuffed him in) and the subsequent robbery of everything of worth in the mansion before Saber destroyed the place using Excalibur and Tama burned the place until nothing was left using her charms and copious amounts of fire spells, Naruto still ended up on the losing side.

This was because none of the girls were willing to overlook the fact his armor had somehow fallen off, his pants torn to shreds and the fact he was found pinning an unconscious Sakura with his boxers tented by Illya while they fought for their lives.

Shiro and Lancer, being the only males present in the _entire_ castle (Zouken wasn't even considered), outside of Naruto, were too busy trying not to attract the attention of the female populace lest they become their victims instead.

_'Why do I really wish I was facing Berserker in a fight right now?'_ wondered Naruto, dodging another Fin shot by Rin.

Even tired, the girls had plenty of energy left to try and maim him...except for Sakura, who was still sleeping off the after effects of the Crest Worms complete destruction.

The only reason he wasn't dead by the time they were worn out was because Acht choose that time to call them, much to Naruto's relief.

"Grandfather, I can honestly say that I am glad you called," said Naruto in a very serious voice.

Acht raised an eyebrow. Naruto barely tolerated him at the best of times, and the feeling was most definitely mutual.

"Don't think this gets you out of your punishment, Nii-san!" shouted Illya from the sidelines.

Seeing Acht's look, Naruto shook his head.

"Don't ask. It's too long and today has been hell for us," said Naruto.

"_What is the status of our blood feud with the Makiri?"_

"Zouken has been...disposed of. Illya used the Dress of Heaven to seal his soul into the only remaining urinal left in the entire castle," said Naruto. That got a bark of laughter from the Einzbern clan head.

"_And the Grail?"_

"I just have to drop off the other Masters in an alternate reality via Kaleidoscope, and contact Zelretch about dismantling the Grail. Officially the Einzbern family will be the 'victors' of the Fifth Grail War, and I'll register under the Magus Association that the Grail had been moved to a new location due to issues with this war."

"_I have already anticipated that, which was why I contacted the Clock Tower that we're moving the war to a new location. As long as we can recreate the system without involving the corrupted Grail, they could care less _what_ we do. You had better not disappoint me boy."_

"Yes grandfather."

"_And what of the research in the Matou mansion?"_

"We're going to sort out anything of worth. All valuables will be given to the family as well as most of the research. Anything pertaining to the Crest Worms will be destroyed... Einzberns have more class than to rely on such weak familiars," said Naruto.

Clearly his grandfather agreed with that assessment, because he ended the call.


	7. Chapter 7

Zelretch, the master of the Second True Magic Kaleidoscope, appeared a week after Naruto dropped Rin, Shiro, and Sakura off on an uninhabited island in the Elemental Countries...as in he dumped their asses off in what was left of Uzushiogakure.

Lancer was briefly attached to Shiro as a precaution, but with only _one_ Servant active, the Grail War was considered over with by all the officials who had come to check the damage done to the Makiri mansion.

Fortunately the civilians believed that Shinji Matou, already the culprit for the 'viral' attack on the school, had been 'experimenting' with a time-delayed bomb that destroyed his house. The fact no explosives were found that could do so much damage was a moot point. No one would investigate it anyway thanks to the foul feeling of the bounded fields still in place.

Zelretch was there to help Naruto dismantle the Grail system, since no one wanted the Root corrupted by a diseased Grail, and Naruto had irrefutable proof it was the Grail that caused the small park to become a diseased area no longer fit for any magic to be used.

Because he had never used a single Command during the war, Naruto was able to keep Caster by his side by using his only order, which was to act as his familiar in the world of the living until his death or until he transferred the seals to someone worthy.

Because he made that order right before the Grail threw up a fuss because all the other Servants were 'taken out' by the blond, it couldn't absorb her back into it.

With so few Servants absorbed, and no way to retrieve the ones left, it was essentially stuck at a half-powered state. Illya and the homunculi who accompanied them to Fuyuki were sent to Shiro and the others to keep the Grail from trying to latch onto her.

* * *

Zelretch examined where the Grail would have appeared had things gone like they did last time. He made a face at how bad the damage was.

"Well?"

"Dismantling will be easy...recreating it well enough to reach Akasha, not so much. I assume you have the original notes?"

"All the ones I could find. Rin is in charge of the Tohsaka part, Illya and I will deal with the Einzbern's contribution, and Sakura has agreed to act in place of the Makiri family which were wiped out. Coincidentally, would you like to see Zouken?" asked Naruto with a smirk.

Zelretch was taken to what was left of Zouken, as his body had fallen apart the second Illya transferred his diseased soul into it's new home, which Naruto put in a place of honor since it amused them all so much.

The undead bastard couldn't be a Magus if he was stuck inside a urinal.

Naruto had never seen Zelretch laugh so hard in his life.

"For that brat, I'm willing to remove some of the stipulations I made for you to finish your training with me," said Zelretch.

"You mean I won't have to be stuck inside my eight-year-old body?" asked Naruto hopefully.

"No, but I'll let you use Magecraft and make trips home now," said Zelretch.

"Better than nothing," said Naruto, knowing that Zelretch originally planned to 'seal' his magic so that he could only use the most basic of magecraft to defend himself, and that included the Mystic Eyes that he had developed alongside Illyasviel's eyes of binding.

Naruto could hypnotize people much like an Apostle could. Though he had tried to get the 'eyes of death perception' he heard so much about, but he would settle for being able to hypnotize people when he was bored.

The amount of arrogant pricks who walked around Clock Tower in nothing but their birthday suits with pink or orange hair and glitter, unaware that they had pissed off Naruto was easily over fifty.

It was the main reason Zelretch had helped him develop that particular skill.

* * *

It took them a month, but the Grail system was dismantled. Zelretch had to destroy the corrupted Holy Grail, because otherwise it would infect the remodeled system and they would have to start all over again.

If they could remake the Grail in a new location, then there would be a few added rules in place.

For one thing, there would be more Servants to avoid someone bringing back the Avenger class. Naruto added two extra Servants, with one class that could override a Master's Command Seal at least once to keep them from getting cocky. He called it Ruler, and it would only appear after all seven of the original Servant classes were brought out.

One perk of the Ruler class was that it relied on the natural lines of magic to be summoned, so it wasn't dependent on a Magus for a Master. If someone tried to summon Avenger again, Naruto wanted someone to be able to destroy it without infecting the Grail.

Another perk was that if a Servant killed their Master, then they couldn't immediately go to a non-Magus and use them in their place. While Assassin was cooperative, Naruto didn't like the fact she had killed her Master before and immediately forced a civilian to take the place of a Magus.

It was pointless and not to mention that the death toll for a normal human to try and keep a Servant around was unacceptable.

Naruto's final new rule was that only someone with adequate Magus training, which meant they had to at least be of average-level for a mage in the Clock tower, blood or not, could become a Master. This was to keep people like Kotomine (who's death had been a long, drawn out affair as they slowly ripped each circuit from his body one at a time) who had no prior training as a Magus from entering the war.

The mess Kotomine left was a pain in the ass to clean up, and Naruto was heartily glad that the Church was the one in charge of re-sanctifying the place, since he didn't know the first thing about it. They were already finishing the cover-up for Naruto, as a partial apology for allowing Kotomine to mess up the War even more than he had by becoming an illegal Master.

Bazette had her arm restored, though her recovery would take several years. As an apology for what Kotomine did to her, she was receiving the magic circuits he had possessed as compensation. Once she was well enough to handle the strain, Naruto was giving her back Lancer.

All the current Servants still alive would be given a second chance at life, so to speak, until they either ran out of prana or were destroyed. Then they would go back to the Throne of Heroes where they came from. In order to avoid confusion during the next tournament, they were all re-classed as Familiars to their 'Masters', though they were treated as a fully qualified Magus by Clock Tower.

* * *

Naruto surveyed the land that Jubstacheit had allowed him to use. It was fairly expansive, easily the size of a very small city and had plenty of houses for a Magus to make use of.

It was actually the site of a dead apostle attack, but it was still uninhabited because of the gruesome nature of the attacks.

It was nearly perfect. There was a small stream very close which fueled the water systems in most of the houses, there was a now-untouched leyline since it hadn't been inhabited for several decades, and the nearest civilian population was several hours away.

The only real issue would be food, but that wasn't his problem. He could let the next series of Masters deal with bringing back the game population so they wouldn't starve.

Rin, Sakura and Illya looked at the place with some distaste. Still, they couldn't be picky.

They were lucky that the Einzbern clan head had even agreed to dismantle and move the system to an unpopulated area and to destroy the original Grail...though that probably had more to do with the fact that he didn't want the family known for poisoning the Root of All Things with a diseased overpowered Mystic Item.

"Well, let's get to work shall we?" said Naruto, sending out his clones.

They would lay the basis of the system down, mostly the bounded fields to keep it contained.

Rin and Sakura were working on how to recreate the new system with the notes Naruto had stolen/found.

Zelretch was actually being helpful for once, though according to Naruto it was because he knew full well that his apprentice wouldn't be allowed to do _anything_ until the Grail system was back up and running properly.

Jubstacheit would never allow a prospective heir to leave something so important half-finished...not if the heir wanted to _live_ afterwords at any rate.

Besides, if Naruto pulled this off his chances at being named his successor would skyrocket all the way to the very top. Then all he would have to do is complete his training in the Kaleidoscope, and his position would be all but assured.

Rin looked at the notes furiously as they slowly remade the system. Zelretch piped in his help occasionally, but she more or less was on her own.

If she could figure out the notes and actually help in recreating the Grail, Zelretch had agreed to take her on as apprentice with less hassle than he normally gave to applicants.

Naruto was the only apprentice who stuck it out to the end to actually _get_ the position. The only reason he was taking it so easy on Rin was because Naruto agreed to 'troll' for him in Konoha whenever he was bored out of his mind.

(This didn't mean he wasn't going to make her work for the spot, it just meant she wouldn't feel as if she were pulling her own _teeth_ to get it like the rest.)

Rin threw up her hands in frustration...until Naruto handed her a book.

"Try reading this first," he said amused. Around his neck was Tamamo in her kitsune form, though she only had three tails out.

With the Grail currently dismantled, quite a few abilities were automatically unlocked, including several that Naruto's new familiar Tamamo-no-Mae had when she was still alive.

Naruto proceeded to dump several large books on Rin, Sakura and Illya. They took the hint and started reading. Suddenly a lot of things that had been confusing them became much clearer.

"What about me?" asked Shiro.

"You're going with me to inspect the houses, as you're more familiar with modern technology. While they study, we're going to make sure every house is up to code," said Naruto bluntly.

With Shiro's status as an Incarnation, he would be next to useless aside from physical labor. Naruto and Zelretch would be fueling the entire system, but it was up to the girls to get it running as they would be representing the three original families, even if one of them was now destroyed aside from the adopted member.

While they spent a full week reading up on books they would normally have access after they entered the Clock Tower, Naruto and Shiro spent that time cleaning, repairing and updating the houses. Naruto used that time training Shiro on how to reinforce his body and to trace his swords in a way that they would bolster him.

Zelretch just brought in fresh supplies.

* * *

About five months into the this endeavor, Bazette showed up with Lancer to see if she could help...and ended up becoming the girl's Magus instructor since they were still having trouble with the notes.

(Lancer was now simply called Lance by Bazette, and the name seemed to stick.)

"Hold it there Rin! We've almost got it!" shouted Naruto. She had set up the Tohsaka contribution and part of the Makiri (in a joint agreement they would give Bazette's clan the spot that the Makiri previously occupied, as Sakura would be re-admitted into the Tohsaka clan) when finally things snapped into place as the system latched on to the nearest source of pure magical energy...a pair of matching leylines that ran between the town like a river of energy.

Sakura nearly collapsed from the strain on her circuits, but Naruto caught her with ease.

Since he was the only person who could match the 'Dark' version of her personality, Sakura would be considered his Mistress by the Einzbern clan along with Tamamo. Naruto would have to find a suitable match to act as his official 'wife' for the records. Illya was less than pleased with this, but a talk with Zelretch seemed to change her mind on the matter. Naruto wisely didn't ask what he said about it to keep her from mauling him again.

Sakura personally didn't mind the fact that Naruto would be her lover, as he was exceptionally kind and had saved her from Zouken. He also ignored the fact that she had been horribly used and abused by the Makiri after her adoption into the clan. The fact that they were willing to let any children of the union chose whether or not to be part of the Tohsaka or Einzbern was just a nice bonus fact.

Shiro caught Rin who sagged, as there was little doubt in Naruto's mind that was who the girl would ultimately chose as her suitor. The fact that Alturia, who they nicknamed Ria as a joke, would also end up in his bed would likely a moot point.

Zelretch checked everything twice, and nodded.

"It looks like those two years were worth it. Everything seems to be in order, but instead of the sixty year wait it's been reduced to fifty," he told them.

"And the class systems?" asked Naruto.

"Ruler, Saver, and Shinobi seem to be fitting in nicely with the original seven."

Shinobi was a tribute to Naruto's shinobi heritage, and would complement the Assassin, Archer and Lancer class. Saver and Ruler were part of the Knight group, but Ruler had Archer's Individual Action and only needed to tap into the leyline to act. If Avenger was brought out again like before, then they could utterly destroy the Servant and it's influence before it reached the Grail again. The spirit would return to the Throne of Heroes, but it's energy wouldn't be absorbed by the Grail.

Another fact was that Ruler could be drawn at any time, while Saver and Shinobi would only come out after the original Seven, though that was just a special 'Easter Egg' as Zelretch called it. Naruto would leave that little surprise in there and not speak of it.

"So we'll pop in and check on the system once a year at random?" asked Naruto.

"I'll check in on it whenever I'm in the area, if only to insure that the system is still functioning."

Naruto nodded and went to inform Jubstacheit of the news that everything was set.

They had barely managed to keep Taiga from trying to keep Shiro away, as Naruto had sent Tamamo in disguised as a prestigious school teacher sent to give Shiro, Sakura and Rin an 'invitation' to a fake school which they backed up with a minor hypnosis on Taiga and a fake website.

Oh, they still did their lessons, but only on their few days that they took a break from reading on Magecraft and to keep them from falling behind and graduating.

Naruto would go back in and alter the records and memories so that they could graduate with their civilian friends.

Acht took the report with a hint of merit, as he would inspect the place himself once they left. While Naruto never did anything without the power or knowledge to back it up, he never trusted the word of another.

Once news that the Grail Wars were moved away from Fuyuki became common knowledge, along with the parties responsible, the Einzbern clan's reputation would jump again for duplicating what was already an impressive feat.

And with a group of half-trained Magi, one of which was lead by an almost fully trained Einzbern Magus, one who was apprenticed to the last remaining founder of the original Grail war.

Naruto's position among the other aspiring heirs just jumped to second place.


	8. Chapter 8

Illyasviel and Shiro watched as their adopted sibling tossed anything useful into his little pocket dimension. Naruto had all but mastered the Kaleidoscope, or at least enough to pass as a proper user of it by Magus standards, but he had yet to master the art of drawing power from his alternates. He never had the need up until this point, though had he gone up against Zouken directly that might have changed rather fast.

The 'receptacle' that was the former Makiri family head was held in a place of honor in the main Einzbern castle as a show of power for Illyasviel.

Any competent Magus would be able to sense Zouken's foul soul locked in the thing, but getting him out would be impossible at best without destroying him in the process. At least Illya had earned some prestige among the family as a competent Magus, despite her origins. The fact she was heavily favored by the one most likely to succeed Jubstacheit as the Einzbern Family Head meant that no one would bother her if she went to visit the castle...not that it was likely she would, as she preferred the Emiya estate in Fuyuki more.

Naruto almost pitied Shiro once he was gone...as Illya looked upon anyone courting her brothers as unworthy until proven otherwise, which at this point meant they had to beat Saber first.

Rin would have to court Shiro cautiously to avoid Illya and Taiga coming down on her like a blizzard.

Naruto chuckled, as they had a good view of the Illyasviel Flurry (as coined by Naruto) when she discovered Tamamo sharing his bed with him, sans clothes.

Shiro had even made popcorn for the spectacle, which had amused everyone but Naruto and his familiar.

Zelretch would dump Naruto a few hours walk from Konoha in clothes close to the ones that he was originally found in...which had long since been burned to ashes once he had outgrown them, as he had been a very active child once given the chance.

At the very least he would have an orange jacket, as it was his favorite color fashion be damned. He rarely had a chance to wear it due to the fact that it made him harder to miss.

Perhaps now he could work on that skill so he could do so whenever he pleased.

Naruto then placed his presents from his fans and admirers (mostly those involved in the Grail War and a set of Black Keys from the Church to buy his silence for the whole incident with Kotomine) and a few who sought to buy his favor as he was the clear favorite to become the next head of the Einzbern family, adopted or not.

He was keeping the Einzbern name, but as Shiro would be the next Emiya family head, he would have to use his original name while in Konoha. He hoped to find a way to keep both names in use once he found someone to act as his counterpart if he ever won the competition to be named Acht's heir.

If he won that spot, then there wasn't a chance in Akasha he was going to let it go because he was overconfident. He had learned before he was adopted into the family that while fame and prestige was good, nothing opened doors like power you built from the ground up.

Just look at what happened to the Uchiha clan or the Makiri family. The Uchiha were unbearably arrogant, but only one of their number ever had the ability to back up their claims of superiority...and the less said about the Makiri clan, the better. The fact they had to take in the 'spare' of another noteworthy Magus-bred family spoke volumes about their weakness.

And it made destroying them all the easier.

"Be careful Naruto-nii," said Illya, hugging him again.

For once he could look her in the eye without bending down. Zelretch had been good with his promise to fix Illyasviel, though he never said how he pulled it off. Had Naruto know what to look for, he would have discovered that the old vampire had awakened her chakra network and stuffed a good portion of the Juubi's remaining power in her, without adding it's actual mind.

In short she was a chakra battery without the annoying beast to go with it. It had the added benefit of removing the unwanted issue that kept her from growing properly and keeping her alive long after the Grail was moved to it's new location.

Should some idiot in the Elemental Countries attempt to bring back the ten-tailed beast, it would immediately go to Illya and ruin any plans for it.

Truly Zelretch was the Ultimate Troll, as he was far aware that there was such a plan already in progress to do just that, and the odds of Naruto allowing his sister to be sacrificed for such a plan were next to nil.

It would be more likely that he would kill the Akatsuki outright for such an affront.

Naruto had already been bound in his eight-year-old body, though his alchemic arrays had been hidden by a simple spell. It wouldn't do for the shinobi to realize they had already lost their precious weapon to someone else so early and ruin Zelretch's fun.

Naruto really, really wasn't looking forward to returning to Konoha, even if Tamamo would be playing the part of a shinobi animal able to speak.

The village hated foxes on principle after the attack, and they would likely look at her with no favor. Especially when she revealed her human form...

"I'll return during every break. They can't stop me from doing that."

Illya all but squeezed the breath out of her brother. He took one last look at his family and walked through the Kaleidoscope and into the Elemental Countries.

This was going to be a long eight years...

* * *

Naruto's return to Konoha was not met with fanfare, not that he had expected any. Aside from confirming it was him (namely having a Yamanaka look for the fox and a blood test) and a lie which he had crafted with Zelretch years in advance, he was allowed to return to the Academy after being 'lost in the wilderness' for three years.

Indeed, the only real change was that unlike before, Naruto had someone to defend him from the mobs which had only grown in size due to the addition of Tamamo on his shoulder.

The ANBU who responded to those incidents were baffled at how Naruto's 'pet/partner' could launch chakra-draining seals so quickly that not even the jounin involved could escape them.

Let alone where he picked up such an odd style of taijutsu.

Naruto stretched in his apartment, a place he had little desire to stay in outside of rainy days...indeed, he usually _didn't_ stay in the place except when it rained or the temperature dropped beyond even his acceptable limits.

He didn't want to finish off what that fool of a landlord had tried to start when Zelretch originally dumped him on Kiritsugu and Irisviel.

Tamamo grinned at him as she cooked him breakfast, having been given lessons by Shiro who didn't mind sharing his recently renovated kitchen to someone who at least wouldn't burn the house down.

Naruto ate his meal in relative silence, preferring to read the books he had stolen off the Uchiha heir.

Sasuke had been beyond livid to find his books replaced with the altered ones given to Naruto, though he had been unable to prove that the boy had done it.

(Tamamo had done the switching.)

The only reason he was even reading the books was because of a test, and he was determined to stay at the top of the class, something that annoyed Sasuke greatly.

The Uchiha clan had been less than pleased with Naruto's reappearance.

"What's the plan for today Naruto?"

"According to what the old bat told me, today Itachi wipes out his clan except for that idiot brother of his. Frankly I could care less about the spoiled brat, but I don't want to deal with his brother complex later."

"Anger him and put him in the hospital so he misses running into Itachi?" said Tamamo.

"Better yet, beat the crap out of him in the name of 'training' in view of Gai and hint that something bad is about to happen," smirked Naruto.

Gai would insure the brat lived, though Naruto might just hypnotize the fool and be done with it.

It depended on whether or not he felt like guarding the moron. If Itachi couldn't find Sasuke, then he couldn't use that damn eye of his to screw the kid's head up.

"Personally I think we should bind him and let him go once Itachi is well outside Konoha," said Tamamo. The brat was arrogant, almost as bad as the former Matou heir before Naruto killed him and framed him for most of the damage done in the Grail War.

He was the perfect scapegoat, and no one had really liked him. So the Church made use of the dead Magus to clean up after that mess.

Not like Zouken would be able to stop it, and Sakura disliked him from the beginning.

Any damage done _after_ his death was laid to a time-delay device.

"Perhaps that would be easier. Not like a shinobi-born like Itachi would be able to override my Mystic Eyes... besides it would be a good test as to whether my original idea to deal with Sasuke should he outlive my patience is valid," mused Naruto.

Say what you will about Naruto, despite his usually cheerful and friendly manner he was one vindictive bastard when crossed. A fact many of the minor nobles at Clock Tower found out the hard way when they learned that while Naruto wasn't an Einzbern in blood he was in spirit and training.

After the first ten to cross him the rest simply ignored him.

Naruto finished his meal, thanked Tamamo who immediately took her animal form on his shoulder. Naruto waved a hand and brought out his second new familiar, a simple monkey who went about washing the dishes.

He idly wondered how the Hokage would react to a regular monkey being used as a maid. Then realized he didn't really care.

At least he gave the thing gloves and let it go back to it's home once he was done cleaning.

* * *

"Hello Naruto-kun," said Hinata blushing. Naruto didn't give a damn about seating arrangements aside from avoiding the loudest of the Uchiha fan club.

Which meant sitting next to Shikamaru and Chouji, both of whom could care less about him or Tama-chan.

"So what's the plan today Naruto-san?" asked Shikamaru.

"Avoid the fan club and draw the Uchiha twit into a pointless fight to keep him from running into something he shouldn't."

Shikamaru, ever the smart one had figured out that Naruto wasn't as idiotic as he looked. He had cornered the boy a few weeks into his initial return, and in exchange for teaching him magecraft, which had caught Shikamaru's interest, he would keep his silence. Chouji was brought in as well, mostly because he was Shikamaru's friend and could be trusted.

He was more interested in the recipes Naruto shared with him than learning about magic at the moment.

"Something big happening tonight?"

"I just don't want to deal with an Emo Uchiha thanks," said Naruto dryly. Shikamaru looked at the rather cool, but still somewhat sociable Sasuke Uchiha. The idea of an emo version made him wince, as the girls would only be drawn in further.

"That bad?"

"Let's just say that if he went down that route and pissed me off, I'll ruin his chances at ever getting those precious eyes that the council seems to all but worship," said Naruto darkly.

"And that is why I chose to befriend you rather than ignore you," said Shikamaru deadpan.

He had labeled Naruto as a threat immediately, and chose to ally himself with the rather terrifying blonde rather than run the risk of Naruto ever trying to use him in experiments. He brought Chouji along because he didn't want to lose his best friend.

Naruto had chuckled at the blatant attempt to avoid his ire and had accepted the offer. It was easier to blend in if he had someone intelligent to talk to. There was also the fact that he now had an accomplice in his experiments...the fact that aiding him would mean that Shikamaru and Chouji would never be the subjects was just a bonus.

After class, Naruto challenged Sasuke to some trivial matter, angering the brat and successfully diverting him to one of the lesser used training grounds that were due for repair within the next month or so.

It took little time to pin Sasuke down, and even less time to utterly paralyze him with his Mystic Eyes. It would be a few days before he was found by an ANBU who went out to insure that the ground was empty before it was repaired.

By that time Itachi would have killed off a good portion of the Uchiha clan in a single night, and failing to locate his brother, had already left the Land of Fire for a certain secret organization based in Amegakure.

Sasuke would have no recollection of how he ended up in that training area that had been termed off limits, and Shikamaru was seen with Naruto shortly after his public antagonizing of the Uchiha boy at a local ramen stand he frequented.

No one knew that had in fact been Tamamo disguised as Naruto.

* * *

Aside from insuring that he was in fact unharmed, Sasuke was in complete shock at the fact that he had so narrowly avoided walking into the Massacre, as Itachi had finished sometime close to when he would normally go home, which was around sundown.

He would not be seen for a week after the news was told to him, but he was understandable upset for several months whenever the subject was brought up.

Naruto was observing the females of the village with a critical eye. He decided that since he was stuck in Konoha for several years, he might as well make the best of it.

Namely finding a female of suitable breeding to act as his wife once he finished his training. The fact Rin was currently suffer...er _enjoying_ Zelretch's unique sense of humor while he finished his training meant he had plenty of time to find a proper wife.

At this point the only female who even _remotely_ fell into that category was the Hyuuga clan's princess Hinata. She was of suitable heritage, had adequate power considering her age group, and wasn't a fan girl in any sense aside from the few times she fainted in his presence. The only real issue was that she was more of a healer than a fighter, which was perfectly acceptable.

It just mean that she would likely be more subtle in her methods of disposing of unwanted nuisances than most females, particularly compared to that of the Haruno girl or the Yamanaka heir.

He had little doubt Jubstacheit would approve of the girl, should he get her trained in magecraft.

The fact that she already seemed to harbor a crush on him personally would make converting her much easier. The only real issue was that as the son of the last Uzumaki clan head, (and the Namikaze, though he was unlikely to even consider bringing that line back, as it hadn't been particularly noteworthy) he would be expected to have an heir that took up the shinobi arts.

He already planned to train any children he had in the shinobi and magus arts, and to have the best take up the mantle as the Uzumaki clan head for him so he could focus more on his magecraft.

Shinobi arts were by far too flashy for his taste. An Einzbern is subtle, not overt. When the dagger failed, then they moved to the axe.

The ironic thing was that a real shinobi was subtle and discreet, but most of the ones that fell into that category were the Torture and Interrogation department, as the ANBU were more for show than anything in his opinion.

Now he just had to bide his time until he could pass with this class, even if it meant failing deliberately.


	9. Chapter 9

_**The winner of the poll is...Haku! To be honest I felt she suits a Magus Naruto better than the timid Hinata...maybe I'll pair Hinata-chan with Gaara instead...**_

Naruto watched with half-lidded eyes as the brats filed in and came out with their shiny new forehead protectors.

Hinata had hers around her neck, which was by far more vulnerable than the forehead.

Naruto patiently waited for his turn, and this time produced the amount required to pass, to Iruka's pleasure.

Iruka tried to act like an older brother for the orphan, and Naruto allowed that as he rather liked the man who was a very good teacher. The fact he had the sense to look past the deaths of his parents caused by the nine-tailed fox only gave Naruto all the reason he needed to at least trust the man to a point.

Mizuki glared at Naruto for passing this go around, and Naruto could see the cogs in the man's head come up with a half-cocked plan to dispose of him.

Naruto had already learned what the man had in mind and planned to make a double of the Forbidden scroll for his own private use. He would not, however, employ the jutsu so many of his alternates used.

Amusing or not, Illya would have murdered him had he ever actually made such a thing, and he had no desire to die by her hand anytime soon.

Speaking of the little Snowstorm, she and the others were due to come to Konoha for their yearly visit.

As far as the Hokage was aware, she was his 'older' sister of the family who had healed and taken him in. Shiro was the 'older' brother and Rin was Shiro's girlfriend.

Sakura was usually left behind to keep Taiga from asking questions. That and she was working especially hard to find her own style of magecraft since she had been brought back to the Tohsaka clan.

As far as the Magus community was concerned, Naruto had taken her as 'spoils of conquest' when he wiped out the Makiri line. When asked by some of Naruto's friends, they had immediately approved of the entire thing when informed of the truth.

Which was a good thing as he had no desire to have Altrouge come after him with her pet.

Naruto walked outside and found his arms full of a very happy Illya.

"Chibi Fubuki! Glad you could make it!" said Naruto happily. He saw his little sister far too little for his liking.

"I'm not little anymore remember?" said Illya with a mock-frown.

Indeed, ever since Zelretch placed a good portion of the Juubi in her, she had sprouted like a weed. It was like her body was catching up on lost growth, as she was now almost at the height Naruto would be at once this nonsense was over.

At the moment she was however at eye level with him.

Illya noted Hinata's glare in her direction.

"_What's up with her?"_ asked Illya in German.

"_Hinata-san is the heir of a prestigious shinobi clan, and of good breeding. She apparently has a crush on me because I tend to ignore the crap the village spews. She finds someone who can persevere through adversity attractive,_" said Naruto dryly.

Illya eyed Hinata with a critical look. She would have to see if the girl was worth cultivating into a wife for her brother.

Naruto would never dare make such a decision without her, as he knew Illya would maim him at the very least.

"_Feel free to talk to her, but be warned she's a bit shy about the whole crush thing and her family dislikes me because of the demon,"_ said Naruto, waving Illya's idea off.

"Noted. Now, about your party?" said Illya with a grin.

Mizuki appeared at the minor party at Ichiraku's and cornered Naruto in the bathroom. If Naruto hadn't already planned to make him suffer, the way he tried to con him into stealing the scroll would have convinced him to do that anyway.

Illya and the others were already aware of his plan, so they would stay in full view of the ANBU the entire time.

"Naruto what are you..."

"Sorry old man," said Naruto. He activated his Mystic Eyes and the Hokage blacked out. Tamamo caught him before he made a sound and they went to the spot where Mizuki told him to go.

Naruto opened the Forbidden Scroll fully and had his clones copy it to the last detail in half an hour. He spent the rest just keeping in motion so he could play the part of the smart, but not so bright village idiot.

As far as the villagers were aware, he was a smart shinobi, but his interpersonal skills outside his small family sucked.

Iruka showed up five minutes before the scheduled meeting time, and his familiars informed him Mizuki made a big scene about Naruto stealing the scroll.

He was so pounding that bastard's face in.

Iruka acted as his witness, and Naruto booked. Once he heard Iruka's real opinion of him, believing the boy to be a simple victim of Mizuki's treachery, Naruto came out.

"I always knew you were an idiot. But making such a racket, alerting the entire village to the fact that it was the most important sealing scroll in the Hokage office? That was just stupid," smirked Naruto.

"What are you..."

Mizuki turned to find the entire woods filled with red-eyed creatures staring at him hungrily, all in different colors from red, green, brown, and the odd blue.

"A true shinobi would have kept quiet and allow panic to set in before killing off the patsy and absconding with the scroll to whatever master they belonged to. They would have given better misdirection as well," criticized Naruto.

He stalked towards Mizuki, who was really freaking out now.

"A good shinobi would have known better than to chose someone so public that someone would have definitely have tried to capture them. But you wanted to be sure that the scroll was actually _taken_ rather than to have some bumbling civilian student ruin everything. Too bad for you I already knew that you were a traitor...which is why I called in my minions," said Naruto coldly, holding up his right hand that had an odd gauntlet on it.

"Minions?" asked Iruka. His voice was shaky, but he clearly didn't view Naruto as anything but a loyal shinobi at that point.

"Think of them as summoned animals, only without having to expend chakra to keep them here," said Naruto for his benefit.

Naruto had the feeling he would have a new accomplice in learning magecraft once Iruka came for an explanation.

He cracked his knuckles menacingly, and Mizuki fell back in fear.

There was no remorse, no sympathy, no hesitation.

"Real shinobi...are subtle," said Naruto flatly.

Mizuki's screams were what brought the ANBU to them, and Iruka was swapped with Naruto to avoid them asking awkward questions.

As far as the report went, Iruka was alerted by Illya that Mizuki gave Naruto his 'mission' since he was the Rookie of the Year, despite the teacher's efforts to give that to Sasuke, since it was tradition to give the best shinobi in the class his first mission.

The fact Iruka happened to be in the stand a few minutes after Mizuki had been seen leaving it, and Illya had chatted with him for a bit out of the chef's hearing would only solidify their cover story.

Naruto had learned the shadow clone as Mizuki had instructed, being his 'reward' for completing the mission, and Iruka had shown up to beat the crap out of Mizuki once informed of his treachery.

They even added that Mizuki had told Naruto of the Fox, and that it was only Iruka's doing that Naruto hadn't freaked out.

Iruka was a good enough shinobi to keep his mouth shut, and not mention the truth to the Hokage, who had no idea how Naruto had gotten past him.

Considering Naruto had recreated the scene where the Hokage passed out from a nosebleed, it was unlikely he would figure it out.

"Team Seven will be Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke, and Uzumaki Naruto..." said Iruka, while he waited for Naruto's head to stop banging on his desk.

Naruto had never gotten along _once_ with Sasuke after the day he supposedly left the boy unconscious in the training ground while Itachi murdered his family, and he hated Sakura Haruno outright because of her voice.

When Shikamaru kicked him, Iruka continued.

Naruto knew Kakashi wouldn't be there for hours, so he brought another magecraft book out to kill time. Sakura had tried to read over his shoulder, but couldn't understand a word of it.

Not surprising, considering that it wasn't in any of the Japanese writing forms, let alone the few cryptograms that Konoha used in the Academy.

When Kakashi came in, he found a bored Naruto reading, an incensed Haruno looking ready to yell at him, and a stoic Uchiha.

Before he can even say an excuse, he feels something brush past his left ear. Turning, he sees a hole where his head would been had he been a little to the left.

He looks back at the kids, and sees Naruto with his finger pointed in his direction without looking at him.

"That's your first warning. If you don't have a decent excuse, then don't bother," said Naruto without looking up.

Sakura and Sasuke gave Naruto an odd look. How had he done that?

"Rooftop, five minutes."

Naruto calmly walked up to the roof using chakra control. Sakura and Sasuke gaped before running up the stairs.

Kakashi stared at Naruto, still reading his book.

"Interesting?" he asked finally, as it would take the other kids a minute on the stairs at least. Shinobi buildings were made so that intruders couldn't simply go up two stairs in a row, no, they wound around the building. Unless you took the direct route like Naruto just did.

"More of a refresher actually. It's about the finer details of moving souls into inanimate objects such as dolls. Problem is I could never get the hang of it like the little Snowstorm could," said Naruto dismissively.

"...What?"

"I mean I know the theory, but I'm fairly sure that having a high-class demonic Mythical Beast is the reason why I have such an annoying interference rate, because my control is rather good for someone attempting it," said Naruto without looking up.

"..."

"I suppose it's nice to know that there are some things that would require intense preparation for my circuits to do what I want, but really, why bother other than as a hobby?"

Having ranted and thus given Kakashi all the reason he needed to conclude Naruto was somewhat insane, he completely missed Sasuke and Sakura coming up.

"How did you walk up the wall Dumbass?" demanded Sakura wheezing.

"It's called chakra-control exercise you pink-haired harpy. Had the Academy properly done their job you would remember that chakra can stick to most substances, like walls for example, instead of just giving you that ridiculous leaf-spinning exercise which is really just for beginners," said Naruto dismissively.

Sakura looked like she would shriek, so Kakashi deftly cut her off. Out of the three, Naruto was the only interesting one. Like it was just a game that he was playing.

"He has a point actually. Walking on the walls is an application of the tree-walking exercise that you should have learned ages ago, because leaf spinning is more of a trick to raise your reserves," said Kakashi.

Sasuke and Sakura sat down, as far away from Naruto as physically possible. Kakashi inwardly winced...how the hell was he supposed to teach teamwork when it was so obvious they couldn't stand each other?

"Why don't we introduce ourselves?"

"Like what?" demanded Sasuke.

"Likes, dislikes, dreams," listed Kakashi.

"You first," said Naruto, switching out his book for something less boring. This one appeared to be about seals, if what Kakashi read was right.

"My name is Kakashi Hatake. My likes are a bit above your age level and I don't feel like telling you my dislikes. My dreams are far too mature for young audiences," said Kakashi flatly.

"You like porn and many X-rated things, you don't want to give us an edge against you, and your dream is to actually get laid by someone who doesn't mind that you openly read that cheap smut," said Naruto without looking up. Kakashi blinked twice. That...was by far more accurate than he would have gotten.

"You next," said Kakashi, pointing at Sakura.

"My name is Sakura Haruno. I like (giggle). I hate Naruto and Ino pig, and my dream is (giggle)."

"Sakura Haruno, rival head of the Uchiha fan club. She hates me because I can't stand her obnoxiously loud voice and think she should dye her hair before it gets her killed, and Ino because they both happen to like the same boy. Her dreams are to jump the bitchy emo," said Naruto, going to the next chapter.

Somehow Kakashi had the strangest feeling Naruto would be more informative than the other two.

"Duck butt, you're next."

"Sasuke Uchiha, I like tomatoes. I dislike Naruto and my dream is to kill a certain man and restore the clan," said Sasuke bluntly.

"Uchiha Sasuke, second son of the last Uchiha clan head. Has a minor affinity towards fire that's genetic, but is not his major chakra affinity. Is noted to be a tomato addict, though he buys instead of growing his own. Hates me because I knocked his ass out and kept him from seeing his older brother Itachi killing his parents last. His dream is fratricide and to possibly restore the clan. Though the fact he's quite possibly gay could ruin that particular plan."

"And you?" asked Kakashi.

"Uzumaki-Einzbern Naruto. I like my sister Illya, my brother Shiro and Tamamo, and I have a minor addiction to ramen and explosions. I dislike people who don't understand the word subtle, those that would abuse their own families out of a twisted sense of superiority, and fan girls. My dream is to one day complete that annoying Zelretch's task and take on the mantle as the heir of the Einzbern clan, who took me in when I was five."

That was as much information as he planned to give. Judging by the look Kakashi gave him, he would try to get the info later. Good luck with that.

"Tomorrow, training ground seven. Don't eat breakfast or you'll puke," said Kakashi.

Naruto looked at his prospective teammates.

"Right, I'm off to find someone better at teaching than Mr. I-have-never-passed-a-genin-team-_once_. Ciao losers," said Naruto bluntly.

A very unusual scene played out in Konoha that night. Multiple versions of Naruto went to any jonin without an active genin team or who were free and begged them for help, namely an apprenticeship to get off his damn team.

Most, who already knew about the fox and only ignored him out of professional respect to the Hokage who would throw them in jail if they tried anything, slammed their door or a kunai at him.

Some openly laughed at him when they heard who his sensei was.

Only five people didn't turn him down outright.

Anko Mitarashi, Hayate the sickly swordsman, Uzuki Yugao, a man who liked to chew on senbon named Genma, and Ibiki.

Unfortunately Ibiki, Genma and Yugao were taken out of the running. Ibiki because he was the head of the torture department and Naruto was considered too young, Genma because he was often away on missions and couldn't spare the time, Yugao because she was an ANBU and didn't want to be removed from duty because she was training someone.

Anko was more than mildly impressed at his argument for why he wanted to be _her_ apprentice. It went along the lines of...

"For the love of Amaterasu, get me off that damn team before I kill them in their sleep! If I end up having to be around that damn Uchiha and the fucking harpy, they'll be dead before we ever reach a C rank mission!"

Anko had openly laughed at his argument, but understood his reasoning. It wasn't a secret that the last Uchiha hated him and that Naruto despised fan girls with an unholy passion. Add to the fact that Kakashi would never get off his ass to train them until they could show that they could function as a team, and Naruto would be a genin for life. It was near impossible to have teamwork when you openly despised the people you were working with from the start.

Which was why she had a counter offer. If he passed the bell test, he could train with her after team exercises. If he failed because they couldn't get along at all, not even to get a bell, she would take him on as her apprentice.

It was somewhat creepy to see Naruto openly hugging her at her favorite dango shop, with tears of joy running down his face.

Hayate agreed to spar with him between missions, once he realized Naruto at least knew how to hold a blade and use it without cutting himself. Between him and Anko, the chances of surviving outside the village went up.


	10. Chapter 10

_**To those of you wondering why Naruto was on the same Team 7, the answer is simple. Kakashi asked for him, since he knew of Naruto's heritage. Sasuke was chosen since Kakashi is the only one with an active Sharingan, so the Counicl made him take him on. Sakura was added as an afterthought.**_

* * *

Kakashi was moderately impressed at the rumors Naruto had spawned in his wake. Clearly at least one of his possible students had some common sense, then again Naruto's profile had said that he was a great believer in the back-up plan.

He obviously knew of Kakashi by his reputation if his parting shot had been any indication. The fact he had gone to multiple jounin only proved how thorough he was.

At least he didn't have to worry about the only promising student being left by the wayside just because his teammates were idiots.

Though the idea of Naruto and Anko teaming up did worry him greatly. All the psych reports said that Naruto worked fine with others, displayed leadership qualities...and had little disregard for civilian morals such as experimenting and killing human subjects. If it weren't for his age, then he would be a perfect match for the T and I division.

Sasuke, on the other hand, worried him even more. All reports said that he was a perfect shinobi, but the yearly Yamanaka evaluation (this one carried out by Inoichi because his daughter was in the class) said that he had a rather worrying psyche, displaying many signs of anti-social and downright sadistic behavior.

Then again it could have been much worse if the reports about the Massacre were true. If Naruto hadn't beaten Sasuke so bad he could have walked right into that mess...and come out with a more psychotic outlook.

As it was he didn't know what worried him more. Naruto being taught by Anko or Sasuke with a revenge obsession.

(Had he known that Naruto would in fact outstrip Anko in the 'torture and death' part of a shinobi life, he would have rightly worried for the other two instead.)

* * *

Naruto lazed about on the tree branch partially obscured from view while Tamamo lay traps that were chakra based. It wouldn't do to reveal his trump card this early on. Besides, he planned to blackmail Kakashi once Tamamo's clones robbed his house of all the porn.

At the exact time Kakashi had told them, Sasuke and Sakura came into view. They either didn't see him (likely) or they didn't care to acknowledge his presence (also possible).

At this point he was leaning towards the two fools not seeing him in the tree. Looking idly across the forest he saw Kakashi trying (and failing thanks to Tama catching his scent) to hide from him while reading his porn, waiting for the best time to arrive just to annoy his possible students.

And so they spent the next three hours waiting for _something_ to happen. Or in the case of Naruto, taking a two hour long nap while Tamamo robbed Kakashi's apartment and threw all the blackmail material in her private pocket dimension courtesy of Naruto.

He could simply retrieve it with the Kaleidoscope later anyway.

"That does it! I am going to tear into Kakashi and Naruto when they show up!" shrieked Sakura in fury.

"Keep it down you fucking harpy. Some of us are trying to sleep," said Naruto above her.

"How long have you been up there asshole?" asked Sasuke, eyebrow twitching.

"About three hours, give or take. Next time look up. I've been sleeping up here for two and a half hours already," deadpanned Naruto. Both of the idiots twitched at his words. He had been there before them!?

"Yo," said Kakashi.

"YOU'RE LATE!" shrieked Sakura. Kakashi winced at the volume level...and again when Naruto's kunai nearly impaled her foot.

"What the hell?!"

"Shinobi are supposed to be _quiet_ Haruno. Your lack of subtlety displeases me greatly," said Naruto flatly.

"Who cares if I displease you, you annoying bastard!" said Sakura angrily.

Sasuke edged away from the harridan.

Naruto cricked his neck, then gave Sakura a look. She immediately shut up as she could feel him weighing whether or not she was worth killing at the moment.

It was quite a _descriptive_ look. Kakashi felt like asking for advice.

"So what test are we doing?" he asked calmly. Kakashi approved.

Despite his teammates, Naruto was above all a professional. He would put up with them only so long as their usefulness didn't outweigh how much they annoyed him. Though if they passed Kakashi would have a word with Naruto about killing comrades. He had the horrible feeling if he didn't, then Naruto would do something drastic.

"Well since we're all here, you have only one task to become genin. All you have to do is get a bell."

"That's it?" said Sakura incredulous.

"That's it," said Kakashi eyesmiling.

"What are the time limits, and how much damage is allowed?" asked Naruto promptly.

"Time limit is until noon, and if you destroy anything you're paying for repairs. No killing the others though."

"Tch..." said Naruto in annoyance. Most of his fun tricks involved wholesale destruction. While he preferred the subtle approach, that never meant he didn't have anything big in his arsenal.

Illya had gotten her love of explosions from _somewhere_ after all.

For some reason Kakashi felt only relief.

Once he set the timer and caught Sasuke trying a sneak attack, to the not-so-subtle disapproving snort of Naruto, the runts vanished. Or most of them did.

Naruto looked at Kakashi with boredom in his eyes, like he wasn't worth the effort of challenging.

Kakashi raised a single visible eyebrow.

"Aren't you supposed to hide?" he asked.

"Subtlety is my specialty, but from what I heard about you, Sharingan Kakashi, it would not work very well. When the dagger fails then one must then turn to the axe. One of the little mottos that the Einzbern clan have about fighting."

Naruto pulled back a single sleeve, revealing a complex array of lines. A little chakra revealed...a massive battle axe.

"And since I can see you _could_ be a worthy opponent, I see no reason not to take you seriously," said Naruto bluntly.

Kakashi flinched at the sight of that massive battle axe, which by all rights Naruto should have little idea to do with. He was beginning to feel very outclassed and outgunned.

"Shall we?" asked Naruto.

Kakashi was going to be in for a very long day.

* * *

"Kakashi! What the hell happened to you?" asked Kurenai from the Hokage's office. All the jounin were there and waiting Kakashi's arrival, late as usual.

Kakashi limped into the room, looking like he had fought a war and barely survived.

"In a word? Uzumaki."

"What?" came the replies of everyone in shock.

"Naruto Uzumaki kicked my ass from here to Training ground eight...then he blackmailed me into giving him both bells," winced Kakashi.

Naruto had been, in his words, highly disappointed with the fact Kakashi had not been up to the hype of his reputation.

"How the hell did he blackmail you?" asked Asuma incredulous.

Kakashi pulled out a familiar book...one that had minor scorch marks on the very bottom of the left hand corner.

"He somehow broke into my apartment, robbed it of anything of worth, then threatened to burn this to ashes if I didn't hand over the bells... and before I could get my revenge the alarm went off," said Kakashi in a dead tone.

"How did he beat you though?" asked the Hokage.

Kakashi twitched.

"He had a massive battle axe, easily twice his size. If I didn't know any better I would swear on my Sharingan that he'd been training with Gai a few years at least," said Kakashi.

"How heavy was it?"

"Heavy enough that I couldn't lift it at all, and he let me try once the test was over. I never even had time to see if the other two were up to snuff," said Kakashi.

Everyone was in shock. For Naruto to have been able to beat _Kakashi_ of all people, enough to actually injure him...exactly how much had he been holding back?

"So Uzumaki Naruto passes?" asked the Hokage.

"Him, yes. Like I said, I never had the chance to test the other two...though in my professional opinion they would need a lot of work before they would ever be chunin level," said Kakashi.

"I thought you said you didn't test them?" asked Asuma.

"No, but their actions while waiting for me and when I arrived spoke volumes. Haruno is a harridan and her voice alone would be enough to get her killed. And the Uchiha...well, anti-social was an understatement. He openly insulted Naruto and from the way they interacted the day before it's clear he harbors too much resentment to work with him without some issue coming up."

Sarutobi Hiruzen winced. He had seen said interactions before they even graduated, and if Naruto hadn't been a professional he had little doubt that Sakura Haruno would not have lived this long with that voice. And Inoichi had mentioned a deep hatred from the Uchiha boy towards Naruto, despite the fact that the blond had saved him a great deal of pain by sparing him the sight of seeing his older brother kill his parents.

Naruto's catchphrase was something he actually approved of.

"Subtlety is an art form."

Naruto was a very promising shinobi, unlike the whiny brat of the Uchiha clan and the harridan daughter of councilwoman Haruno. He was professional, stealthy, and apparently a complete powerhouse.

If Hiruzen had ever met Jubstacheit, he would have tipped his Hokage hat off to the man for training Naruto so well. Had he ever known the hellish training the boy had been put through, at his own request to keep his sister safe, he would have been appalled at the amount of pain the poor child had been put through.

And the fact that said weapon was now only loyal to his small family and not to the village.

"So what's the final verdict?" asked the Hokage.

"Uzumaki Naruto is a definite pass. No way in hell am I letting that kid slip through the cracks with that skill level. I'll have to test the other two later though, possibly without Naruto as he would only fight me again. I had the distinct feeling he was not going all out as he claimed, since he seemed highly disappointed by the fact he would have to pay for any repairs done," said Kakashi bluntly.

"I'll mark Naruto as a genin and you may test the other two at a later date. At this point it's more of a formality anyway."

No one was going to complain about Naruto's advancement, Kyuubi or not.

Any genin that can make Kakashi wounded and not be going all out is more than worthy of joining the shinobi corps. The real question was what exactly would happen if Naruto _did_ go all out on someone? And what would his power level be if he could fight a jounin and win?

* * *

Naruto stretched like Tamamo would from a nap. He had been given the status of genin and the rank of C-class in power immediately by the Hokage when the old man called him in the day before.

According to him that meant Naruto could legally take a C-rank mission with another genin team, even if his original team was stuck doing D-ranks.

Naruto knew that kicking Kakashi's ass would be a good thing. After all, anyone who could go toe-to-toe with Kakashi and win was obviously able to handle C rank missions. The Hokage saw no reason to keep Naruto in the village when he was a professional shinobi already.

Plus he wanted to keep Naruto from killing the last Uchiha and the civilian girl outright from repressed rage. He had seen the look Naruto had given both and didn't want to deal with the resulting paperwork.

* * *

"I hate you so much right now. I hope you realize that," said Sasuke in a dead voice.

"Do I look like I give a damn what you think of me?" deadpanned Naruto.

"Shut up you stupid blond!" shrieked Haruno.

They had, by dint of the civilian council blackmailing Kakashi, all passed. They forced him to pass the Uchiha, and he didn't want to put up with Sakura's mother screaming at him so he had been forced to pass her as well.

They were still very pissed about the fact that Naruto was powerful and skilled enough to take C ranks without his teammates. The fact he was usually saddled with Might Gai and his team was a moot point.

Naruto honestly liked Lee. He was actually tempted to teach the boy magecraft to see if that could make up for his rather small chakra reserves. Anyone who could put up with that prick Neji and still believe in the concept that hard work always pays off always got on his good side. He honestly wouldn't mind if Illya was around him alone.

Still, he had to deal with the damn Uchiha and his bitch harpy. All while babysitting some ungrateful kid.

The brat known as Konohamaru was extremely lucky Naruto was adept at handling children. He had helped Irisviel raise Illya after all.

He was also lucky that Naruto had silencing seals. Sakura's voice had not bothered them for the two hours they were near her as she couldn't reach the seal and Sasuke was not inclined to remove it for her.

Apparently there was one thing both boys agreed on. Sakura's voice was intolerable and they must shut her up at any cost, even if it meant tag teaming against her.

The fact Kakashi did nothing only proved this.

The thing that bothered Sasuke the most was this.

Naruto had gained _minions_ in the form of Konohamaru and his little group of friends. Normally he wouldn't care but the blond was teaching them the fine art of trolling someone and living to tell the tale. Sasuke had seen the results of Naruto trolling someone, specifically his father before his death.

It had not been pretty.

Needless to say Zelretch was laughing his ass off at the fact his favorite minion was corrupting more innocents in the name of annoying the hell out of people for no other reason than he could.

In short, Sasuke hated Naruto very much right now as he wisely deduced that the new minions would be stalking and getting on his nerves for the foreseeable future. And since one of them was the Hokage's only grandson, he couldn't string the brat up by the boxers for annoying him.


	11. Chapter 11

Naruto Einzbern-Uzumaki-Emiya was bored out of his skull. After the last civilian council meeting, the old crones and idiots managed to make it impossible for him to leave the village without his teammates with him.

In short they were pissed he outstripped their precious Uchiha so blatantly and was allowed to take more prestigious missions without him. So they tricked the Hokage into saying that only three man teams could go, and it would take a month for the old man to reverse that law once he realized what they had done.

So here he was in Konoha, waiting for Kakashi to declare his team field ready instead of supervising the village chores again. He was almost tempted to abandon them all and visit his sister and younger brother.

It was ironic that Shiro was the youngest of the three, being two years younger than Illyasviel.

Naruto raised an eyebrow when he saw Tora flee past him. The cat took one look at Naruto and nearly pissed itself from fear.

The one time they landed the Tora mission, Naruto had grabbed the damn thing, thrown in into the Kaleidoscope to 'play' with Zelretch, and the damn thing meekly went back to it's owner whenever they landed the mission.

Truly, Zelretch was the ultimate troll...even if he refused to tell him how he scared a cat of all things that damn badly.

"Well team, I have good news. Today we're doing a C-rank," said Kakashi with false cheer.

In reality he hated those damn chores as much as his genin, and he didn't want to give Naruto incentive to blow up half the village. He had seen the look Naruto had given his explosives scroll.

"About time!" shrieked Sakura.

"When do we go?" asked Sasuke, half begging.

"We have to pick one first," said Naruto bluntly. He was mildly unhappy at the timing, because Zelretch had said he would drop Illya off in the village to visit with him for a month because of the fact he had amused him so.

Which meant chances were that Illya would come right after he left, and C ranks usually took a few weeks.

He would have Tamamo leave a clone behind to give her some cash so that she could hire a team as an escort to visit him. Mostly because he didn't want the Hokage to get annoyed by the fact she didn't pay for a mission.

"So we're off to Wave? Great..." said Naruto sarcastically. On the plus side, if the idiot underrated the mission because he was cheap, he knew Illya would come in with back up even if Kakashi never called any in!

* * *

Five hours in, and Naruto already had a migraine. Sakura was an idiot who knew little of life outside the village and Sasuke was a stuck up prick. If it weren't for the rewards of finishing the last task Zelretch gave him, he would say to hell with this world and go home.

Had he been anyone _but_ the apprentice of the Wizard Marshal, he could have been considered a fully accredited Magus by now. But noooo, he had to take the long, painful route by agreeing to be Zelretch's new plaything until he got bored.

So he was stuck here for the foreseeable future.

"I hate that damn vampire..." muttered Naruto.

"You say something Naruto?" asked Kakashi.

"Nothing you would understand," deadpanned Naruto.

It was something of a joke among Clock Tower residents that to catch Zelretch's interest enough to take you on as an apprentice was synonymous with being turned into a raving nut job. Naruto was one of the most famous Magi in the Association because he survived his apprenticeship with his sanity relatively intact, aside from inheriting his master's trolling habit and a snarky disposition when annoyed.

Considering the state of Zelretch's previous pupils, that was considered a good thing.

Naruto took one look at the puddles and growled.

"What's with you moron?" asked Sakura with a sneer.

"They lack subtlety and therefor must pay dearly," said Naruto angrily.

He broke formation and unsealed something rather worrying to the two nin inside the puddle.

His special battle axe, custom ordered by his adopted grandfather as his present for getting an apprenticeship with Zelretch. It was so heavy that only Naruto could safely lift it...or Berserker when he was alive.

The two shinobi burst from their puddles early, only to be met with Naruto's clones who captured them with their Mystic Eyes.

He had them tied up and ready for transport before Kakashi even had a chance to properly react.

Sakura noticed the clones eyes were a bright ruby red, not too dissimilar to the color of the Sharingan.

"Trying to copy Sasuke-kun are we?" sneered Sakura.

"Hmm? Oh, the eyes. Nah, that's Zelretch's idea of a bad joke," said Naruto realizing what she was talking about.

"What do you mean?" asked Kakashi.

"Red eyes generally tend to mean you're a vampire. Hell, I based them off a vampire's ability to hypnotize people. The only reason Zelretch helped was that he found my efforts for a far more useful set of eye to be 'amusing' in his words."

"You can change the property of your eyes?" asked Kakashi with interest.

"If you put enough effort into the right type of studies, yes. I was trying for the 'Eyes of Death Perception' which allow you to kill simply by striking at the lines of life present everywhere. According to the old vampire my regeneration rate would have made obtaining said eyes impossible, so he gave me the next best thing...the ability to humiliate someone without them realizing what happened afterwords."

"How is that better than something able to help kill people without fail?" asked Sasuke.

"Because it allowed me to survive his apprenticeship without being turned into a raving lunatic. So long as I could amuse him without being the victim or becoming evil, he went easy on me," said Naruto flatly.

More than once he had been approached by a terrified Magus who had been picked by Zelretch out of boredom. He told them all the same damn thing to.

Learn how to prank, and prank well if you want to survive the training.

To Rin he told her to loosen up, learn how to discreetly humiliate anyone who annoys you in funny ways and above all keep Zelretch from ever giving you his undivided attention when bored. It didn't matter if she had to offer her sister to the man, but don't let him give you his full attention if it meant surviving with your sanity intact, a lesson he learned the hard way by proxy.

Ten minutes with Naruto had all the information he needed. And a change of plans.

Depending on how things went, he might have to switch from Hinata Hyuga to this Haku girl that was apprenticed to Zabuza. Anyone who could stand the freezing cold and use it was an asset in his mind.

Besides, Hinata was a little too timid to handle the cut throat world of a Magus.

* * *

Illyasviel came into Konoha and was less than pleased when she learned Naruto had already left on another mission. Still, he did take that into account and left her enough money to pay for an A-rank mission so she could get an 'escort' while she visited him until they returned to Konoha.

She went to the Hokage office to ask how much it would cost for a simple escort mission to Wave so she could visit her brother.

As luck would have it, her request came at the same time as Naruto's clone bringing back notice that they needed support as the mission went outside the parameters given.

I/E they were facing shinobi-level threats.

Normally Sarutobi wouldn't be able to get a team out to help Kakashi and the kids, but with Illya's trick to spend time with her brother while on a mission, he could do so.

And he had the perfect team in mind.

"Bring me Team Gai."

Trust Naruto to have a back-up plan in place. He had no idea that Illya's timing with her request was just a happy chance of luck.

* * *

Naruto stayed on guard all throughout the boat ride, completely unconcerned with back up arriving timely, unlike Kakashi.

"Why are you not freaking out?" asked Kakashi finally.

"My sister is coming to visit me, and if we're lucky her timing will coincide with the request I sent in for back up. I left her enough cash that she can hire a second 'escort' mission so that she reaches me safely. Knowing the old man he'll tack on the 'back up' portion along with the escort."

"What if the opponent is jounin level, like Zabuza?"

Naruto rolled his eyes.

"You're about the same level as Zabuza right?"

"Roughly, if only by reputation alone why?"

"Then he's not a problem. If I can go against _you_ and win while only going half out, then what chance does _he_ have?"

Kakashi paused.

"You were only going half out?"

"Maybe a little under. Going all out would mean leveling the place."

Suddenly Kakashi was a lot more worried about his other two students.

"Will you keep your voices down!" hissed the man ferrying them.

"Grow a pair. If we are dealing with Mist shinobi then they would have attacked already for Akasha's sake. After all, those people tend to specialize in _water_ combat," said Naruto rolling his eyes.

"He has a point. If Zabuza really is waiting for us, he could have ambushed us while we were in a boat without trouble. So either he's waiting to see how we would react or he's not here just yet."

"This amount of mist is unnatural, so I'd venture that he's just setting the mood first," said Naruto bluntly.

"Good point."

Sakura whimpered fearfully while Sasuke kept an eye out for trouble, having been paying attention.

When they reached land, Naruto immediately took point, keeping an eye out for trouble.

Sasuke, having become quite twitchy, tossed a kunai into a random bush because he sensed something there. Naruto investigated Sasuke's throw.

"Impressive, but you were a bit slow," said Naruto. He pulled out a terrified white rabbit.

Kakashi's eyes widened.

"This is clearly someone's pet rabbit, and if what Tazuna-san has said about the economy is true, then chances are this belongs to the mystery pair that were partnered with the demon brothers. As I highly doubt this thing is on par with one of those Monty Python rabbits, clearly this was nothing more than something to replace themselves with."

All while he spoke, Naruto made a half seal while _petting_ the rabbit. Kakashi didn't even notice the clones appear or vanish. Naruto was just that good.

"All in all Sasuke your aim is acceptable but your execution was fatally flawed."

Naruto bent backwards instead of ducking like everyone else did as the zanbatou flew where his head had been.

He gave Zabuza a dry look.

"I give you an eight for execution, and a nine for the fact you were able to land on the sword without falling mid-shushin," said Naruto blankly.

Zabuza chuckled darkly.

"You're good kid. Most people duck when they sense my sword flying at them, but you kept yourself from losing that half-second to get back up."

"I find that yoga helps to keep one flexible," said Naruto.

Something about his manner had Zabuza looking at Naruto a little closer. Perhaps it was his complete disregard toward someone like him, or the way he observed everything with a disinterested gaze. But the second Zabuza looked, and really looked at Naruto he swore.

"Who is your allegiance to?" he asked.

"Uzushiogakure," said Naruto deadpan.

"FUCK!"

Kakashi watched the interaction with a shocked gaze at Naruto.

"Naruto?"

"Oh hell no, don't tell me that your mission is to protect this drunken idiot!" said Zabuza.

"Yes. Even if he _has_ under-ranked this mission," said Naruto.

Zabuza looked at Tazuna with dead eyes.

"If I were you old man I would make funeral arrangements now. This bastard hates idiots who try to kill his comrades with a passion. Last I heard of you, you died in Uzu when it was wiped off the map," said Zabuza.

"I faked my death. That was more to learn about sealing from my own family anyway. I am impressed you recognized me on sight though," said Naruto amused.

"I recognized you from the descriptions. Your 'death' was far too convenient for the Mist when they took Uzu. I make a point to memorize dangerous opponents. I thought you were twenty though?"

"Pissed off an old bastard with an age-reversing power. Stuck me in my eight year old body so I figured, what the hell, might as well return back to the village that tried to kill me because of something I had no control over, if only to piss the civilian council off."

"Any chance I could convince you not to kill me?"

"Kakashi's reputation was over exaggerated. Provide me with a decent spar and I will let you live," said Naruto.

"Shit...I better take you seriously then," said Zabuza.

"I'll go easy on you and not use my specialty or explosions."

Zabuza knew he was screwed, the only question was if he would be able to move after this was over.

Kakashi got Tazuna and the rest of his 'team' out of the way as Naruto summoned a sword. It was something he had never seen before...a English Broadsword. He had it made to resemble Saber's Excalibur, with his own enchantments of course.

Seeing the stark fear in Zabuza's eyes, Kakashi realized that Naruto really had been holding back. Just what happened in those three years he was missing?!

* * *

"HAHAHA! Come on _Demon of the Mist_! Show me that sword play you are so proud of!" cackled Naruto. Finally he had an opponent who specialized in sword skill and not just flashy jutsu!

And Zabuza wasn't half bad. He wielded that sword like an extension of himself, despite it's size and obvious weight. He didn't treat his sword like a piece of metal. It was definitely well taken care of.

Zabuza was sweating. He never expected to run into the 'Kaleidoscope Alchemist of Uzushio' on a simple assassination! For kami's sake he just expected the old drunk to get a jounin from the tree huggers and a group of brats, or maybe a chunin team if he was lucky!

On the other hand, he hadn't had this much fun in a while. If he was going to die, then by kami he was going to do his best to take that inhuman bastard with him! Being turned into a child clearly hadn't diminished his skill one bit!

Naruto laughed insanely, as Zabuza was definitely a better opponent than Kakashi had been, even when he did unveil his Sharingan eye. Kakashi had been able to see Naruto, but unable to stop the blows anyway.

All the frustration of dealing with _children_ as his back up, all the annoyance he had with Zelretch for forcing him to be a child again, and the fact that Tazuna could have gotten a normal four man team by giving them an underrated mission... Naruto got it all out at once 'playing' with Zabuza.

Finally he allowed the man a breather.

"You are infinitely more fun to 'play' with than Kakashi was. Idiot didn't even _try_ to take me seriously until he realized I fully intended to take his head off with my axe! It took him ten minutes to unleash that blasted eye of his!" cackled Naruto.

"Kakashi didn't know you were already a jounin, and one of the best Uzushio had," panted Zabuza.

He was leaning heavily on his sword, as Naruto didn't hold back his blows. His sword had places where Naruto's blade had practically gouged out the metal.

"Heh. I like you, and this whole thing would become very boring if I didn't have something to look forward to later. Be sure to give Gatou my regard and tell him if he wants to kill the old man to bring an army next time."

Zabuza looked at Naruto incredulous.

"You're letting me live?"

"If I didn't, then Gatou would bring some other, weaker idiot, to challenge me. Besides, I have to give my little Snowstorm someone to play with later," said Naruto.

"Little Snowstorm?"

"My younger sister Illya will be arriving shortly with reinforcements. Fortunately for you she never took up the shinobi arts, though according to her last time I saw her she had made some progress learning how to mold chakra from sheer boredom."

Actually she learned it to catch Rin during her 'excursions' with her younger brother Shiro.

"I can honestly say that the idea of your younger sister coming to play with you scares the shit out of me," said Zabuza deadpan.

"Goody. See you later Zabuza-san," said Naruto waving him off. Zabuza didn't even consider the idea of attacking that man in the back.

He wasn't suicidal.

* * *

"Where is Zabuza?" demanded Kakashi.

"Recovering from our play time. He's a better fighter than you are," said Naruto bored.

"Exactly how much have you been holding back Naruto?"

"Enough that I could level Konoha to the ground and still have energy to spare. Not that you'll remember this," said Naruto, turning to face Kakashi, Sasuke and Sakura.

As far as Kakashi would remember, he had fought Zabuza and barely won. Naruto made sure to have Tamamo drain him of enough chakra to support the lie he had crafted. Tazuna had remembered the stark fear in Zabuza's eyes when he heard the fact that he had underrated the mission. He would keep his mouth shut about who actually drove off the missing nin.


	12. Chapter 12

Illyasviel was _fascinated_ by Lee's inability to use chakra, and the strange illusion he created with his teacher.

Tenten didn't know whether to feel sorry for Illya or to pity her. Because immediately upon meeting her, Lee had called her the Snowflake Princess and she _giggled_. Didn't the poor girl know that you had to let the idiot down or he would take that as encouragement?

Then again there was the fact that Illya had heard of Lee from Naruto, and that the boy only had good things to say of him.

Yes, Lee couldn't mold chakra at all (something about his coils being messed up) but Naruto had mentioned taking him under his wing to learn magecraft instead.

He had already figured out what Lee's element and origin was.

His element was Earth and his Origin was Body. Considering he was a taijutsu adept, this was actually a good thing. Naruto planned to introduce Tenten and Lee to Shiro at some point.

As it was, Illya found Lee's attempt to 'woo' her rather amusing. He had no idea she was actually a few years _older_ than him and far more terrifying.

As such, much to Tenten's clear horror, she encouraged him in that little illusion he made with his teacher, as she had never seen anything so striking before.

When Naruto had described the 'Excessive Man-Hug of Youthful Sunsets' as he called it, he had tried and failed to give her a good enough description.

Unlike shinobi, a Magus, particularly one who had seen a blood and crest worm up close, or at least their corpses, would never be properly horrified by such a disturbing sight.

Illya didn't like Neji though. He reminded her far too much of the arrogant idiots in the Einzbern family who looked down upon her and Naruto. Plus when she had inquired about Hinata, she had only heard a load of self-hating narcissistic bullshit.

Neji hated Hinata because she was from the Main branch, while Neji had been unlucky to be born in the 'Branch' of the Hyuga clan.

Tenten had little to say about her, as Hinata tended to avoid their team because of Neji.

"Remind me again why we are escorting Uzumaki's sister to him?" asked Neji coldly.

"Because she hired us and had sufficient payment for the escort mission. Besides we're doubling as back up since they ran into the Demon Brothers five miles out of Konoha," Tenten reminded him tiredly.

"And why couldn't the Hokage had said something like that to begin with?" asked Neji. He had to put up with Lee flirting with the client. He was not being paid enough for that.

"Because the civilian council hates my brother enough to risk their precious pet Uchiha to kill him. If they knew about him calling for back-up then they would deny it just to spite him," said Illya.

"My Snowflake Princess, you are indeed very wise! The unyouthful council has indeed done worse to spite my youthful friend Naruto! I have heard last week that they made it impossible for him to take missions with us!" said Lee.

Lee had been unhappy to hear the real reason behind the rule. Unfortunately the Hokage couldn't overturn it without a two month waiting period.

Illya giggled at the nickname.

* * *

Naruto was bored out of his mind leaning against the tree. Kakashi had him doing boring ass chakra exercises, so he left a clone to play with the children.

Which was why he was the first to spot Team Gai and Illya.

"My Little Snowstorm!" said Naruto with enthusiasm.

"Big Brother!" said Illyasviel with delight. She hugged him tightly.

"My youthful comrade! It is good to see you again!"

"Hi Lee! I see you guys got the mission. I was hoping it would be someone I could stand."

Gai looked around for Kakashi.

"Kakashi is out like a light from chakra exhaustion and I ditched the kiddies with a clone so they wouldn't bug me later. Kakashi left them to tree climb without any real instruction," said Naruto, noticing Gai's look.

"What happened?" asked Tenten. None of them looked particularly shocked Naruto had ditched the others with a clone, or that he wasn't practicing like Kakashi planned. He had shown that he already knew how to water-walk their second mission together.

"Demon of the Bloody Mist. Kakashi drove him off but he was worn out," shrugged Naruto. Illya was still hugging him.

"Naruto! You never said that your little sister was so adorable!" said Lee.

Naruto blinked, then looked between Lee and Illya.

"He's been flirting with her hasn't he?" deadpanned Naruto.

Tenten nodded miserably.

"She could do worse. It could be Neji," said Naruto, earning a glare from the Hyuga in question. Tenten winced.

Lee beamed at him.

"How could dating Neji be worse?" asked Illya.

"Aside from needing an overhaul in the hair and clothes, Lee reminds me of, well me when I was young and naïve."

"How's that project the vampire has you doing going?"

"I'm at sixty to seventy percent. So far I just need to deal with that chunin exam nonsense, and I will be talking to that damn vampire about letting you guys come visit for the entire thing, and one good showing should get me up to the rank I need."

"Rank?" asked Tenten.

"I need to be either a jounin or an S-rank in the BINGO book to pass that old vampire's test, then I get rewarded."

"Rewarded with what?" demanded Neji.

"Nii-san here is in the lead to take over for the Einzbern family as heir. He just has to complete his apprenticeship with Zelretch and he'll be the first one Grandfather chooses to replace him as the clan head. Considering learning under Zelretch tends to break people, it's quite an accomplishment," said Illya proudly.

Neji twitched.

"I thought the old geezer took me out of the running years ago when Dad did something to piss off Acht-jii-san off big time. I never even knew I was still in the game until after he told me, by which time I had already built up my own power base. Even if I don't get the spot as next-in-line to take over, I can still go on as the Uzumaki clan head if I have to, despite the fact I'm unsure if the Uzumaki clan survived the destruction of the village."

"Zelretch said that some did, it's just they don't know you survived."

"Oh yeah...I was in line to take over the clan if we survived the war. I can always claim to be hit by an age-reversing jutsu. With half the crap ninja come up with and their bloodlines, it's not that far a stretch," said Naruto amused.

Neji was twitching. He hated it whenever Naruto started talking about clans. He would swear that the boy did it just to piss him off.

(Partly true.)

* * *

Kakashi nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Gai.

"What are you doing here Gai?"

"Escorting our client and providing back up. You did ask for help, did you not?" asked Gai. Kakashi looked at Naruto.

"I knew the Little Snowstorm would be in Konoha, and since she would track me down anyway I gave her enough cash to ask for an escort mission. They'll stick around as back up since you had your ass so thoroughly handed to you by Zabuza earlier."

"You actually paid them to bring your sister here?" said Kakashi incredulous.

Naruto shivered.

"The Illyasviel Flurry is not something you should make fun of. I can't even have a girlfriend unless she's pre-approved by Illya."

"I barely tolerate the fact that you're the reigning champ at the Oktoberfest drinking competition where we advertise the mead," said Illya annoyed.

The second he was old enough to drink, or at least pretend he was, he visited Oktoberfest. Illya had not been pleased by the fact he had won five drinking competitions and had come back smelling of cheap beer.

Then again it had been a bit of a treat for himself seeing as how he was celebrating not having lost his sanity around Zelretch for two years.

"That reminds me!" said Naruto, pulling out a large keg.

"That had better not be what I think it is," said Illya sweetly.

"A barrel of the family's best mead. Strong enough to kick a mule on it's backside, and guaranteed to give you a good buzz!" said Naruto, tossing back a shot.

Tenten, Neji and Gai all shot Lee concerned looks. Mostly because he was a master of the drunken fist.

"Naruto-nii," hissed Illya. Naruto shot her an amused look.

Kakashi went to steal the alcohol from Naruto.

"No drinking on the job...and why aren't you training with the others?"

"Tree-walking? That sissy shit is for children. I am not a child. I know how to water walk Kakashi."

"Are you sure you should be cussing in front of your younger sister?" asked Kakashi eyesmiling.

Illya rolled her eyes.

"I'm more concerned about finding him with some trollop."

"Illya is more interested in my chastity for some reason. I wish you would find a boyfriend worth your time already Illya-chan," said Naruto.

"Big brother complex?" asked Kakashi.

"Like you wouldn't _believe_."

Kakashi chuckled.

* * *

Sasuke was twitching around Neji, because they disliked each other on principle. It had nothing to do with the fact Sasuke was the second-runner-up as Rookie of the Year. No, this was an age old rivalry between the Uchiha and the Hyuga over who was better.

But it seemed they had found something to agree on...namely that Naruto was a jerk sometimes.

Naruto had seen Neji humiliate Hinata once with a well-timed put down and had disliked the boy on principle ever since.

Naruto made a point to embarrass the Branch House member after that.

Sakura and Tenten immediately hated each other. Mostly because Tenten _loathed_ fan girls as much as Naruto did, and Sakura thought Tenten was a total butch. To the dismay of Kakashi, the only one who got along at all with the team was Naruto.

Illya of course found it endlessly amusing to see Neji and Sasuke plot against her brother, their plans childish compared to those of the Einzbern clan.

Though if any of Sasuke's ever came close to working, she knew her brother would make good on his plan against the last Uchiha in Konoha.

Naruto could be a sadistic bastard when he felt the need.

As the days turned into a week, Naruto grew more and more bored. He had already run in with Zabuza's mystery apprentice, a rather sweet girl named Haku who actually _hesitated_ to kill him while he slept, but rather shook him awake.

She tried to pretend she was a boy, but Naruto could tell the difference without being told. The smell of lavender and the hint of ice had been present about her, as well as that subtle hint of femininity that Rin had lacked.

He would have to send Illya in later to see if she was worth the trouble of bringing Zabuza in to Konoha.

Hinata was a good choice, but she was timid and would need work before she could handle the Einzbern ways. She was a diamond in the rough.

Haku was well training and used to subtle deceit. She wasn't afraid to strike if her master was threatened, and she knew how to play to her strengths.

In short while Hinata might be a suitable wife to the Uzumaki clan head, Haku was by far the better choice when he finished his Magus training to become the wife of the Einzbern heir. That is if she agreed to it in the first place.

The only issue would be getting her on board with the idea.

* * *

Zabuza crushed the apple with only minor difficulty. Another day and he would be back to almost full strength.

He had little illusions about what would happen tomorrow. If he tried to kill the bridge builder, he would die slowly and painfully. He nearly had a heart attack when Haku mentioned the blonde haired child she had woken up in the forest. He had never been more afraid for his surrogate daughter than he had been at that moment.

He could only hope Gatou was stupid enough to betray him, because then the Kaleidoscope Alchemist would have no reason to kill him.

He was really, really hoping that Gatou was that stupid. If only to give the terrifying blond a shinier target to kill.

Naruto watched with open amusement as Lee tried to woo his sister, completely unaware that she was actually a few years older than him, despite her height issues. Naruto actually didn't have a problem with Lee.

Sure his taste in fashion and hair style was a bit odd, but other than that he was a genuinely nice soul who wouldn't hurt anyone he knew to be a comrade. If he did end up with Illya, he would never try to hurt her.

Besides, he was a better match than most of the people who had tried to court her over the years.

* * *

Naruto swung off the branch he had been lazing about on. Perhaps he should make Lee a Magus now so that he would be ready for when the Chunin Exams started. Tenten too, as she would probably land in his little brother's harem once she found out what he could do.

That girl had a serious fetish for all things sharp and pointy.

"Naruto, my youthful friend! What brings you to this spot?" asked Lee.

"I came to offer you something. How would you like to use a different kind of energy instead of chakra, since your coils are messed up? It works very similar to chakra, but it can't be cut off by something like a jyuken strike."

"What is this energy called?" asked Lee, tempted.

"Magic. And everyone in my family can do it," said Naruto. He considered Shiro and the others his family, not that crap that the Hokage spouted about his village acting as his family.

Family didn't keep you weak out of misplaced hatred. The Einzbern clan may have barely tolerated his existence, but they at least had done their very best to break him while they trained him instead of outright hatred and denial of his existence.

The only reason he was even _back_ in Konoha was because Zelretch was a total asshole who got off on annoying the hell out of others, and he knew Naruto absolutely hated Konoha once he got a taste of an actual family. He might have been the unwanted addition to the family, but at least they had _shown_ that they acknowledged his existence, even if it was to sneer at him.

"What exactly can this magic do?"

"Well I know my brother Shiro can literally create swords out of nothing. Rin can blast people with orbs that can't be blocked by most shields. Saber-nee can use it to hide her sword. Illya uses it to paralyze her victims," Naruto listed.

"That first one sounds like something Tenten would want to try," said Lee.

"I'm going to see her next. The only people on your team who I'm not offering this to are your teacher and Neji. Mostly because Gai doesn't actually need the boost and Neji royally pisses me off with his attitude towards Hinata."

"Neji's actions towards his cousin are most unyouthful," agreed Lee.

"Plus if you agree you might have a better chance at dating my sister."

"So what do I have to do to gain this magic?" asked Lee. Illyasviel was the first girl who hadn't been horrified by his youthful hugs with Gai, his looks, or his loud manners. She found him fascinating.

Naruto held out three different jewels.

"This one contains a special power that would made reinforcement of your body easier, and it doesn't have the same downside as the gates do when you use it. This one contains an affinity towards Earth magic, which compliments your own chakra nature nicely. This one is just a bunch of circuits that I got from some idiot who royally pissed me off...no idea what they have. I have to warn you, waking up your circuits will make you pass out."

Lee took the one that had the reinforcement crest in it. That idiot had been far too cocky about the fact he had that in his crest, so Naruto stole most of it.

"What do I do with this?" asked Lee.

"Swallow it mostly. Once it hits your chakra core in your stomach the thing will activate. Who knows, it might even stimulate your coils enough to actually make jutsu useable to you. I know my circuits tend to react to chakra like they would prana."

Lee looked at him oddly, but he trusted Naruto. Naruto had never mocked his dream, instead he encouraged Lee when Tenten would often tell him to knock it off. He downed the green jewel and when it hit his stomach, Naruto knocked him out before he felt the sharp pain of his magic circuits being awakened for the first time.

Naruto caught Lee with ease, and lugged him to the house. Lee would wake up in the morning with a minor headache, but he would have magic. This wasn't the first time Naruto had awakened magic circuits in a shinobi, though he had reclaimed them when the shinobi in question had been killed in Uzushio.

He approached Tenten later with the same offer, and she immediately chose the reinforcement and projection jewels when he mentioned Shiro's ability.

He would dump her on Shiro's doorstep for magic training, since he would be preoccupied with Lee for a while.

He left a clone behind with the sleeping Tenten and Lee just in case when they left for the bridge in the morning.


	13. Chapter 13

Naruto was unsurprised that Zabuza was waiting for them on the bridge. Gai and Kakashi were tense upon seeing him. Sakura looked like she might faint and Sasuke looked far too eager for his health.

Neji just looked bored.

"Haku, play with the kiddies," ordered Zabuza.

"Yes sir," she replied.

And with that, she brought out the ice mirrors. She had been told exactly what to do in case Naruto appeared on that bridge.

Stall for time and hope like hell Gatou was stupid enough to try and break their contract. Since this was their last chance before Gatou _had _to pay them, Zabuza was praying like mad that he did something stupid.

Naruto was content to let Neji and Sasuke play with the fake Hunter nin, while he knocked out Sakura to enjoy the show properly. Illya was back at the house, since he didn't want her anywhere near this combat at the moment. Besides, she hated misty days.

Suddenly Lee and Tenten arrived, along with Illya who didn't want to be left behind. They didn't even pay a bit of mind towards Sakura, as none of them had liked her much.

Finally the mist began to clear and they got a good look at the other end of the bridge. There, standing smug as you please, was Gatou. Zabuza seemed to sag in relief at his appearance with a hundred mercenaries.

Naruto stood up, cracked his back, and smirked.

"We'll discuss the details of your surrender later. Right now I want to have some fun," said Naruto.

"Oh brother dear, you weren't planning to leave me out were you?" asked Illya.

"Of course not my little Snowstorm. Shall we?" asked Naruto, holding out his arm. She smirked and took it.

If Kakashi hadn't been pale before, he was when Naruto was through with Gatou's men. He left the tyrant to Zabuza, as he did have a code of honor.

"Now, what to do with the witnesses...Oh, I know!" said Naruto smirking.

For the second time on that mission, Naruto erased Kakashi's memory. The only ones he left alone were Zabuza, Haku, Illya, and Tazuna, who knew to keep his mouth shut.

Illya later confronted Naruto about why he kept hiding his real skills.

"My dear Snowstorm, consider this small issue. I show how strong I really am, and those idiotic villagers automatically assume that it's because of the fox. I show too much of who I really am, and all of a sudden I have to deal with those silly fake ANBU on my ass trying to turn me into their ideal weapon. The Hokage still believes I am loyal to Konoha when I lost all love for the village _years_ ago. I am a loyal Uzushiogakure ninja."

Indeed, Naruto had fallen more in line with the Whirlpool shinobi than he ever had with the tree huggers of Konoha. If he had any choice, he would rebuild Uzushiogakure and say to hell with Konoha and it's people.

He was only siding with them long enough to complete Zelretch's little test, and then he was going to abandon them in favor of rebuilding his mother's clan.

They were too valuable as assets to leave scattered like that, despite what that sentimental monkey might believe.

The few he had granted magecraft too had been quite promising indeed, so he was eager to create a second clan in the event that he was no longer considered an Einzbern member.

Illya considered this while observing Zabuza and Haku. So far she rather approved of the girl. She was strong, loyal and her chakra nature matched her brothers. Plus there was the fact that she had a spine to her that Hinata just didn't.

"You have a point. Far better to build up a following from the ground up rather than to have a bunch of spineless sycophants and possible rats to deal with later once you reveal your true nature."

Zabuza, who had overheard this conversation, had an idea. One that would guarantee that they wouldn't be forced to work with the tree huggers forever.

"Any chance Haku and I could join the _Uzumaki_ clan? It would keep them from trying anything like using her as a breeding tool and help you on your goal to rebuilding Uzu later," he asked.

Naruto looked contemplative.

"Clever. If you ally yourself with me now, you can avoid having any actual ties to Konoha and give your adopted daughter a chance to escape being used by the idiots in the village to gain the Hyoton bloodline. Plus you would be on my good side, thus preventing me from using you in my experiments later," said Naruto in approval. It was subtle and the idea had quite a bit of merit to it.

Plus it meant that he would have another sparring partner, this one who already knew he was stronger than he acted.

Illya clapped her hands in delight.

"I approve of the girl already. I'm sure grandfather would as well once he meets her," said Illya.

Zabuza looked at them oddly.

"Brother was sent back to Konoha for two reasons. One was to complete his apprenticeship with one of the more powerful Magicians in the Magus Association, the other was to find a wife before Grandfather tried to force one on him."

"I'm in the lead to become clan heir to a rather old and very powerful family. As such I have to solidify my position and insure I had a viable back-up in case I'm taken out of the running," explained Naruto.

"Which is why you intend to resurrect your mother's homeland in the event you need an escape route," said Zabuza approvingly.

"I bring it back, train them up in our ways enough to give my current clan pause, and become a clan in our own right in the eyes of the Magus Association. My father Kiritsugu was a great believer in playing dirty and having a back-up plan, and I am my father's son. If something happens that requires me to abandon the clan, then I want something to work with as a plan B."

"And if anything happens, then most of our small family will immediately join him. We hold no attachments to the clan outside of Naruto."

"Kid, now you really have my approval. If you can get Haku to accept you, you'd have my blessings in a heartbeat," said Zabuza flatly.

Haku kicked him in the shin. Surely Naruto couldn't be more than a few years younger than her?

* * *

The night might have passed with ease, had it not been for a single incident. One that had Naruto moving up his plan to ruin Sasuke's chances at ever gaining the fated Sharingan (and it was only a matter of time before he did) very quickly.

Sasuke, angry at Naruto for upstaging him and leaving him to fight with _Neji_ of all people and not showing any concern when he saw his own teammate turned into a pin cushion, decided to get back at the boy by attacking the only thing he could.

Illyasviel.

If Illya had been made of weaker blood, or had been as timid as Hinata, she would have broken down crying at how Sasuke had insulted her parentage and her father, and how her family had only taken in Naruto because of how weak they were.

Instead she slapped him and told Naruto exactly what he had said to her. Naruto's eyes went hard as the sapphires they resembled.

He would have to humiliate the boy and take him down several pegs for the insult he had shown to his family. Inside his cage, Kurama rubbed his paws with eager glee to see how the 'mighty Uchiha' brat handled the fact he no longer _had_ his precious eyes.

* * *

A week after their return to Konoha, Zabuza and Haku were now registered as Uzumaki to avoid being used by the civilian council. They had been less than pleased by the not so subtle message Naruto had thrown in their faces.

But that wasn't the news of the village. In fact it was little more than a blip compared to the current rumors since their return.

Sasuke Uchiha, the last remaining heir of the Uchiha clan, had apparently gotten so drunk in his clan grounds that he had stumbled out and into the female's half of the local hot springs, naked as the day he had been born. The only reason he hadn't been castrated for feeling up Anko was because someone had recognized who he was in time.

He was still given an official demerit and a suspension from duty for two weeks because of how shameful his behavior had been. Since he had gotten a good knock to the head in the process of being 'disciplined' by the women, no one noticed anything strange about his eyes. And when a month had passed, it was highly unlikely anyone _would_ know what Naruto had done.

On the plus side, one of the Einzbern homunculi gained a new set of eyes in exchange for donating their own to the cause.

Lee was over the moon. Thanks in part to the donation of twenty decently-sized magic circuits in the jewel Naruto had given him, he had finally managed to get his own chakra to work. At least enough that he could now pull off several minor earth-style jutsu. It was unlikely that he would ever get more than a chunin's worth of chakra this late in his development, but it was a vast improvement over what his coils _had_ been like.

Lee had declared Naruto his brother-in-all-but-blood once the medic nin had told him the news.

Tenten was too busy drooling over Shiro's collection of projected swords to try and dissuade Illya from going out with Lee. If she ended up in Shiro's current harem (which at the moment consisted of Rin, Saber and occasionally Rider) Naruto would not be surprised.

He was a better match for her than Neji ever would be, and he wouldn't wish the life of a Hyuga on anyone, especially if she ended up married to him.

If he ended up with Haku, he would steal the Branch house from under the Hyuga's feet, if only to spit on their tradition of branding their own family because they had the misfortune of being born to the wrong half or had angered the wrong person.

Naruto treated family as prizes above all others, and seeing anyone abuse their own made him angry in a hurry. It was part of the reason why he had reacted so violently when told the story of the Matou Master during the Fourth Grail War.

Anyone who would willingly go through all that pain just to rescue a girl not even his own daughter was a true Magus in his book. He planned to name the first child he had with Sakura Kariya in honor of his sacrifice. She certainly had no objections to the idea.

So far only three people inside Konoha had any idea of his true plans once he was a jounin or given S-rank.

Shikamaru had even been his sounding board for some of his plans, and had helped him fine tune several others. He had no complaints of leaving the village so long as he could bring Chouji with him.

There was a rot in Konoha, and he had been feeling unsettled since Naruto's return. When Naruto was finally granted the status of full Magus by the Association, a lot of things would change. For good or ill he had yet to figure out.

* * *

Kurama all but yelled at him when he sensed his youngest brother Shukaku step foot inside the village. Naruto had, with din of practice from pranking the ANBU when he was very bored and in need of entertainment, gone to see what the one-tailed beast looked like.

He was sorely disappointed.

The red-head kid clearly was an insomniac, and his seal was slipshod at best. His own teammates, who had similar bone structure to suggest that they were his brother and sister respectively, were nervous around him like he was a loose cannon with a hair trigger. From the scent he could catch, the kid was a sand user that was soaked in the blood of countless others.

Judging by the way he acted around others, he was the type to kill first and ask questions later when it was too late. Somehow Naruto got the feeling he didn't even do anything with the resulting mess, but rather left it leaving around.

How wasteful.

Naruto continued to observe them at a distance right up until his favorite minion, Konohamaru Sarutobi, crashed into the kitty-kabuki boy with the puppet. Seeing the teen haul the Third's grandson up like a common street urchin, Naruto acted.

He had been practicing for over a month to use his water and wind element to turn the air icy cold with Haku. She seemed very pleased that now she had someone to help her develop her techniques, even if he had to use his prana to copy what she had already learned to do.

Seeing him dance around with Hayate in a spar, or over power Zabuza when he was bored with only his battle axe, he had seen the faint cogs of interest turn in her mind.

He wasn't going to force her, but rather allow her to see his true nature and power and let her come to him. It was a solid strategy, and one he had worked on before with Sakura Tohsaka.

He had made no overt overtures towards her, and she already knew that he would not force the issue. It had taken a year after her 'brother' and 'grandfather' had died by his doing before she started curling up next to him in the same bed along with Tamamo. After that she became a regular visitor to his room, not that Illya cared.

In the mind of his sister, Sakura Tohsaka was considered the spoils of war. He was just too much of a gentleman to try anything unless she wanted it. And she was pleased by this.

"Drop the boy before you lose a hand," said Naruto flatly. His right hand held a blade, one that was definitely sharp enough to do just as he had threatened.

The boy shivered at his eyes, and dropped Konohamaru without a word.

"I tolerate your presence in Konoha only as long as you abide by the set rules. Try to harm any of my allies and you will find me not amused," stated Naruto calmly.

He looked up in the tree where Gaara had been watching.

"One, keep your sibling on a better leash lest he find himself loosing his appendages," said Naruto.

Gaara appeared next to him, his eyes curious.

"I will keep that in mind..."

"Nine. Your sister appears to have some manners, but the one wearing an over abundance of make-up seems to forget his place easily," said Naruto easily.

Gaara nodded in agreement as he glared at his brother.

"I am Gaara of the Sand."

"Naruto of Whirlpool. I wear the Leaf only out of convenience."

"I will remember you, Naruto of Whirlpool," said Gaara tonelessly.

Konohamaru rubbed his bum where Kankuro had dropped him.

"Naruto-nii, why is the air so cold?" he complained.

"Because I was laying down the law for the kabuki boy. He should know better than to show off outside his own territory," said Naruto, helping the boy up.

Konohamaru's stomach growled. Naruto sighed.

"Ramen anyone?"

Konohamaru cheered and followed Naruto dutifully while his friends joined him.

* * *

Naruto took the papers with ease, a bored look on his face. These days the only time he spent with his own team was if Kakashi had told him his presence was mandatory. He had been training Sasuke exclusively since the boy had mentioned how close he had come to gaining his Sharingan, ignoring the other two in the process. Sakura had been seen in the hospital trying to become a medic, which was about the only real thing she had going for her.

Seeing how quickly she picked up medical techniques, Naruto briefly considered keeping her around for about half a minute before deciding she was too much of a hassle to deal with constantly.

These days he mostly spent sparring with Zabuza, Hayate or hanging out with Anko. He only had a few days before Illya and the others would come to visit. Just a few more days...


	14. Chapter 14

Jiraiya immediately went to see his old sensei. Sarutobi had been giving him monthly reports since the day Naruto had vanished and his subsequent return.

So far the boy had surprised them both by becoming a cheerful, if guarded child from his oblivious self when he was five. Because he couldn't exactly _explain_ why he hadn't taken the boy in before now, he had been unable to approach Naruto without dealing with the surefire argument over his treatment.

At least the mobs had stopped thanks to that odd fox Naruto had picked up he called Tamamo.

Jiraiya sighed. If he was lucky then the kid would pass the second exam and give him all the excuse he needed to train the boy without telling him the nature of their relationship.

Naruto took one look at the building and decided that he wasn't going to deal with whatever ritual the Gate duo Tamamo had seen go in several hours before the test came up with. They were closet pranksters and he rather enjoyed their sense of humor.

They had all gotten a good laugh the few times he had turned their clothes outlandish colors with water balloons during the Fire country summers. When he ditched this village, he planned to abduct them for a few laughs.

He could probably pull it off by promising never to make them guard the gates so damn often. From what he heard, it was usually Kotetsu's fault for pissing off whoever scheduled the gate duty regularly.

* * *

Naruto walked right up the building, and after a few blinks of shock for the idea, his 'team' followed him.

Kakashi looked surprised that they had considered that and missed the genjutsu entirely. Then again, this was Naruto he was thinking of.

Naruto's attention immediately honed in on Gaara, who gave him a nod of acknowledgment. He had made a favorable impression on the red head earlier with his display of calm power.

He was suddenly drawn back into the present when he heard Sasuke ask for _his_ stats. Seeing Sakura's eagerness for that information, he cleared his throat loudly in annoyance.

"I know you simpering morons hate me, but asking for outdated information on me is in bad taste," he said irritated.

Kabuto, the silver-haired genin, blinked.

"Outdated?"

"A true ninja never reveals his full potential, even to his own comrades. That's just asking for bad luck if it gets in the wrong hands."

Sasuke seethed.

"I still want that information," said Sasuke. Any info on Naruto would be good when he finally put the jerk in his rightful place...beneath Sasuke's feet.

"Uzumaki-Einzbern Naruto, genin. Has high taijutsu skills, some kenjutsu experience, low genjutsu ability and very high ninjutsu stats. Has gone on one B-rank, solo, and has completed a single A-rank. Is the current clan heir of the Uzumaki clan, and according to rumor is the possible clan heir to the clan that took him in when he was five and went missing. Is a known user of the shadow clone."

"Like I said, outdated information."

Sasuke glared at him, and Naruto repressed his smirk, barely.

The imbecile still had no idea that Naruto had his eyes surgically replaced with that of a homunculus. One who had been considered useless as a step had been missed during the coining faze and thus would be unable to use create any version of the Mystic Eyes enchantment. She had been delegated to the kitchen and delighted to have been upgraded by Naruto personally.

She was currently training to be one of his personal guards once he finished his training as Zelretch's favored apprentice.

As they were given the paper test, Naruto snorted as he read the questions.

However his attention was quickly drawn to the Grass girl down in front of him. Her hair had the same shade of red as most of the Uzumaki clan when he had been dumped in Whirlpool for a full year. Was it possible she was an Uzumaki as well, albeit one of his cousins?

He dropped a minor tracking spell on her so he could locate her later just to check. Then he finished his test in five minutes flat.

He immediately took out a book on ice magic he had pilfered from Zelretch's stash of books.

Even when he was a child, he had always been fascinated with combining his elements to make ice attacks. He had already given Haku ideas on how to recreate it solely through chakra.

Eventually Ibiki passed them, only after Naruto's scoff at his idea of intimidation drew his ire towards the blond. One short speech about being a coward and he had most of the room ready to lynch him, but no longer afraid of what was to come.

Naruto ducked when Sakura went to hit him and deftly avoided Sasuke's kick to his shin for the stunt he pulled.

"Anko-chan!"

"Hey Gaki. Glad you passed!" cackled Anko.

"You know this insane woman?" demanded Sakura incredulous.

"Who I spend my time with during our so called training has nothing to do with you Haruno. Anko-chan was nice enough to let me borrow her library card," said Naruto flatly.

"He's my favorite pin cushion!" said Anko happily.

Naruto helped her interrogate some of the lesser prisoners for practice. He quickly moved to the higher ranked ones when she realized how good he was at it. Anko considered him the younger brother she never had, but always wanted.

As Anko explained the purpose of the second exam, which was a scroll battle, Naruto made a point to keep an eye on the lone red-haired female.

Anko tossed a kunai at him, almost negligently, and he avoided it with ease. He was used to her odd behavior by now.

"Pay attention runt!"

"I won't be a runt in a few years Anko-chan," he called back.

Anko stuck her tongue out at him. He grinned at her.

Naruto waited until they were deep enough for it to be unlikely to be followed, before he knocked out both his teammates and hid them rather effectively and left a clone to guard them.

Then he went to find that red head.

* * *

Karin Uzumaki had an odd feeling, one that had been growing since the first exam. It had started when she saw that blond child so completely at ease in the exam hall...and had grown after he had finished his test in ten minutes.

Her teammates called her paranoid and mocked her unease. She growled.

She wouldn't even be with them if their other teammate hadn't died and hers hadn't been promoted.

Suddenly the woods grew quiet as a graveyard...before several loud whispers were heard all around them.

"_I come...for the Uzumaki..."_ it spoke hauntingly.

It creeped her the hell out!

"Take the stupid bitch! She's not even our real teammate anyway!" sneered the Grass nin. She glared at him with a passion.

There was a high pitched laugh, and suddenly everything went dark. Karin shivered. She yelped before her mouth was covered by a hand.

"...Didn't we need all three of us to pass the third part?" asked the second genin.

"...Fuck!"

* * *

Karin shivered. She had been captured and worst of all her chakra bound.

"Hi, I'm Uzumaki-Emiya Naruto and I'm your kidnapper this evening!" said the blond from earlier.

"What do you want with me?"

"You _are_ an Uzumaki right?"

"My mom was."

"Then I want to bring you back into the clan. Once I hit jounin we are ditching this hellhole and rebuilding Uzushio better than before."

"And if I refuse?"

"Then I knock your ass out and simply steal your scroll."

"Are you really an Uzumaki?"

"My mother was Kushina."

"Oh my kami! That would make you clan head once you hit chunin or come of age!" said Karin in shock.

"And I am a loyal member of Uzu. Should have seen the old monkey's face when I asked to wear their hitai-ate and not the Leaf one," smirked Naruto.

Kakashi had thought it odd that Naruto had found an authentic Uzu headband, but had never commented on it because he believed the boy was honoring his mother.

If he had known Naruto was declaring his true allegiances right off the bat, he might have made him wear the Leaf one.

Karin was in total shock mode. The head of the Uzumaki Clan was right in front of her and offering to let her come home, no questions asked.

How was she supposed to pass _that_ up?

"Count me in!"

"Good! Here's my next question...how would you like to learn magic?"

* * *

Illya looked up from her tea in Shiro's house to find...a red head wearing glasses?

"Who are you?"

"Uzumaki Karin. Who are you?"

"Illyasviel Einzbern-Emiya. I take it my big brother Naruto sent you?"

"What the hell was that?"

"Kaleidoscope. It allows you to travel through parallel worlds. If you're here then brother must already be starting his plans to rebuild his birth mother's homeland," said Illya.

"He said I should talk to you about learning magecraft while he continues his preparations..." said Karin.

"He open your circuits yet?"

"He gave me a weird ruby and told me to wake them up when I got here."

"We'll let you get adjusted first, then we'll start you on the basics," said Illya. She knew her brother's plans as well as he did. After all, he never lied to her about them.

"So what did he mean about him being older than he looks?"

"Time moves differently between worlds. The only reason he's even _there_ is because his teacher made him go back to finish his training. That and he was tired of being blown up by Nii-san," chuckled Illya.

"...Blown up...?"

"Zelretch is a troll of the worst sort. The Magus Association both hates and fears him because he might take on of their best and break them in a way they can't ban him for. Nii-san found a way to counter that by throwing people to the wolves, so to speak, and by setting off tags in places he can't remove them from that blow him up. He's still trying to find all the ones that Nii-san left the last time he pissed him off," chuckled Illya darkly.

Zelretch both loved Naruto (fellow troll) and hated him (because he is always blowing him up with seal tags). He was easily the old man's favorite apprentice, as he survived to tell the tale and became a troll just as bad as him!

* * *

Naruto woke both his teammates up with a slap to the face, then waited for them to come to.

"What the hell was that for dobe?!" demanded Sasuke angrily.

"You should be thanking me. Because of me you missed getting attacked by Orochimaru himself...word had it that he was looking to add you to his pedophile collection," said Naruto bluntly.

Boy had Anko been pissed when she found him. But she had laughed when she heard he couldn't find his Uchiha toy at all.

Sakura snarled at him and he shut her up with a glare.

"Um, right. Anyway I'm sure your wondering what the sign above you means..." said Iruka.

"If strength is what you lack, then you should try to get stronger through training, if knowledge is what you need, then you should read more," said Naruto bluntly.

"Well...in a manner of speaking," said Iruka. That was the basic gist of the sign.

"You do realize that we had to enter _awake_ don't you idiot?" snapped Sasuke.

"The rules said you had to be intact and able to move before entering. In case you haven't noticed, I slapped you awake before we entered the building, therefor we have passed without either you doing anything useful," replied Naruto smugly.

They glared at him even more.

"Well since you passed on the first day, you can either stay here or we can let you roam the village for a day or two before bringing you back. Since you aren't injured you don't have to hit the infirmary."

"Isn't there a library in here?" asked Naruto.

"How did you know...nevermind. I forgot you knew Anko."

"Off to the library~" said Naruto smugly.

"I hate him so much," said Sasuke.

"Me too," agreed Sakura with a growl.

* * *

"Uzumaki," said Shino.

"Aburame. How was the test?"

"Acceptable. Your suggestion to give Kiba super fleas as a threat worked better than I hoped. Hinata was an adequate partner."

"Good. Have you seen this text yet?" asked Naruto, handing over a book from the library.

Shino accepted the book.

"I have not. Thank you for the recommendation. And as to that other matter?" asked Shino.

"Pass to the third and we'll go someplace where you can strengthen your hive. What of the idea I gave to you?" asked Naruto neutrally.

"I have spoken to my father, and he is intrigued to the idea. Most of the clan is rather positive to the idea."

Naruto had gone to Shino about the idea of another village where the Aburame wouldn't be feared, but rather politely respected without prejudice and free to expand their hives. Shino immediately knew that Naruto planned to leave Konoha and had approached his father about the idea.

Naruto had gone to the Aburame compound and explained in detail what he planned. So far the reception towards leaving was positive.

Having a village where skill and ability were prized more than whether you belonged to a clan (and where the civilians were a moot point) was apparently something the Aburame had been looking for. Naruto also promised to leave them a good section of the forest to share with any other clans that specialized in wild animals as partners, so long as they were agreeable to sharing.

Naruto already had the Nara clan on board through Shikamaru after he demonstrated a Finn Shot and the familiar system. They were intrigued over this new type of energy and the possibilities it presented.

All Naruto had to do to win the Akamichi clan was the promise of new delicacies. He had brought some haggis over as a joke once, and they loved it.

He was still debating on whether or not to bring the Yamanaka clan into it.

"That is good to hear. What of the Inuzuka?" asked Naruto.

"I wouldn't recommend an attempt until your plan is more feasible. The Inuzuka are notoriously loyal and they were here long before the other clans. What of the Hyuuga?"

"I'm kidnapping the Branch with the promise that no seal will ever be applied to them like the Caged Bird ever again. Removing it should be easy since I've studied Neji's without his knowing. Hinata should be converted easily with her crush on me and the promise that she can take her sister with us," said Naruto.

"So you were aware."

"Still debating whether or not to act on it."

"We shall continue to see which shinobi are open to the idea of leaving and which are suitable to become Magi. Glory to the hive," said Shino.

"Glory to the hive," said Naruto.

Shino left with his book, glad that his agreement to broach this subject with his clan had not been in the wrong.

There was a rot in Konoha, one that had settled with the death of the Fourth Hokage. The shinobi were weak, complacent with the exception of a scant few. Following someone who had already proven to be a stronger leader than the Third was only logical in the Aburame's mind. That and Naruto had promised to awaken Shino's natural magic circuits to make his hive much stronger. He wanted to see if the Aburame insects could be made into fake circuits much like Shiro's trick using his nerves. If so then the formerly weak Aburame clan would have a stronger reputation.


	15. Chapter 15

Naruto was lazing about around the tower, as he had been there before. He completely ignored his team, and they did the same.

He had a random book (ANBU level) in his hands, not that Sasuke hadn't tried to swipe it.

"How is it that whenever you get a book from this library the jounin don't confiscate it?" demanded Sakura.

"Because they know I borrow from here all the time. Besides, I used Anko's card instead of mine...she has higher clearance."

Anko waved at him and he smirked cheekily.

"Alright maggots! Those of you who survived to this round, congratulations! Normally I would let you drop out, but screw that sissy crap! If you haven't been cleared by the medics, then you won't be allowed to join the third round! If you have, then tough luck! Winners of the preliminaries go to the third round!" said Anko with glee.

Hayate had asked her to deal with the preliminaries since he had caught a summer cold and none of the other jounin were free.

"Anko..." warned the Hokage.

"Sorry sir, but this sissy crap pisses me off. I mean look at that silver haired brat in the back! What kind of loser would drop out right when the good parts about to happen?" she asked.

"I agree!" shouted Naruto from the middle.

"...Fine. But they are free to surrender during their match," said the Hokage tiredly.

Kabuto seethed. Damn that Anko and her mouth!

"First round is...Sasuke Uchiha versus Yoroi! Everyone else clear up to the stands!"

Naruto boredly watched the matches, unconcerned about who he would get. Not like anyone would be able to match his skill level, and he was already back to low jounin level despite the limiters Zelretch forced on him.

"Oi! Blond brat! Get down here and beat the pansy already!" shouted Anko.

Up on the screen it read Uzumaki-Emiya Naruto VS Kabuto. The silver haired teen was already on the floor.

Kabuto would have surrendered immediately, but that crack Naruto made about his information being outdated irritated him.

Naruto looked at Anko.

"Any skill is acceptable here right?" he asked.

"Almost any skill. Why?"

"Because I'm about to exercise my Troll skill. Prepare to be defeated by a wall," said Naruto bluntly.

Anko blinked.

"Troll..." she started.

"Skill?" finished the Hokage.

"Why a wall?" asked Shikamaru.

"Because he'll be charging right into it," said Naruto with an innocence that everyone there knew to be faked.

Anko grinned evilly. She had seen Naruto's work at trolling people before, and knew this was going to be hilarious.

* * *

"WHY...WON'T...YOU...STAY...STILL?!" roared Kabuto. He was trying to kill the brat and he still couldn't hit him!

All those comments about his mother, his age, and the fact he was a weak snot nosed pansy finally tipped him over the edge. Then there was the fact that he kept mocking him with something called Root, almost as if he knew that Kabuto had been trained by Danzo.

"Really old man, why are you so slow? I mean it's not like you're a genin or anything...oh wait you are!" cackled Naruto.

Zelretch had taught him when he was seventeen the precise tone with which to drive people insane with rage. This was more fun than poking at Illya's big brother obsession.

Kabuto was so enraged he didn't noticed Naruto pulling out a red cloth and wave it in front of him.

"Ole!" he cried out as the teen slammed into the wall exactly as he predicted. Anko was on the floor laughing her ass off while the rest stared in disbelief.

"Winner...(snicker snort) Uzumaki!" she said before she had to leave the room for a while.

"I suppose we should take a break while our proctor calms down," said the Hokage, eyebrows twitching.

Sasuke and Sakura were staring at him in disbelief.

"How the hell did you pull that off? I mean I've never _seen_ someone so pissed that they didn't even noticed they were being lead into charging at a wall!" asked Ino in shock.

"I was trained by the ultimate troll. Zelretch is an asshole, but damn can he piss people off! I'm the only known apprentice to have survived his training long enough to gain even a fraction of his ability!" snorted Naruto, good mood restored.

"He must be a _master_ at annoying people if you had been able to get someone like Kabuto to lose his temper that quick," said one of Kabuto's teammates in awe at the sight. Even Orochimaru had been impressed.

"He's considered the worst nightmare of the best and brightest with how often he makes them snap. The last time the poor schmuck went home crying to his clan because of how much Zelretch pranked him. I'm the only apprentice who's ever lasted as long as I have, and I've been his student for years."

* * *

The Hokage approached Naruto while he went to get something to snack on (and bring back Chouji some chips like he asked).

"Naruto about this Root you kept mentioning..."

"Hmm? Oh, forgot that the old war hawk had something called Root too. I meant the Root of Origin. It's something I picked up from the old vampire," said Naruto absentmindedly.

"So you've never had contact with the organization called Ne?"

"Nope. Only read about it."

The Hokage left without any more questions, though he did have some he wanted to ask. Like how Naruto was able to avoid Kabuto that long and why he refused to use any jutsu.

* * *

Naruto didn't pay any mind to the rest of the battles, except for Hinata.

"Go Hinata-chan! Teach that arrogant twit that just because he has a bad family past doesn't mean he has to go on and on about the damn thing every time he faces a superior opponent!" shouted Naruto loudly.

Hinata perked up at his cheer.

She slid into a different stance, avoiding Jyuken entirely.

Naruto had spent a few times with her team, and he said that the jyuken was far too uncivilized for her body type...and then proceeded to leave her with scrolls on something called jujitsu and tai-chi.

As such she spent more time learning those rather than the jyuken.

"I can see that your familiar is absolute. No Hyuuga would use anything but jyuken," sneered Neji.

"With all respect Neji-nii-san...go fuck yourself," said Hinata calmly. Seeing Anko's thumbs up and Naruto's cheer told her she had done the right thing.

Neji was so shocked that Hinata had actually said such profanity that Hinata was able to toss him.

"So you no longer claim your own name?" demanded Neji.

"I think that the Hyuga name has sullied itself enough without my input. If anything it's almost as bad as the Uchiha clan was," replied Hinata.

Sasuke stiffened at that remark.

"Soon the Hyuga will only have themselves to blame as everything falls around them," said Hinata calmly.

Naruto had told her his plans, and that he would be liberating the branch house when he finally put them into place. He even mentioned that they could take her sister with them to keep her safe. As far as she was concerned, the Hyuga weren't her family.

Finally Neji managed to knock Hinata out, though he was curious as to what she had meant when she said that the Hyuga would only have themselves to blame.

He went to visit his cousin in the infirmary for more details.

* * *

Ino looked up when she heard Naruto cheer for her. He was Sakura's teammate, why was he cheering _her_ on? Seeing Sakura's grit teeth, she had an epiphany.

During the Academy Naruto had complained of her bad habit of drooling over the Uchiha boy, but other than that had no problems with her. With Sakura, however, he had hated her on sight. Listening to some of the taunts Naruto let loose on her friend, she was inclined to believe that their teamwork wasn't much to speak of.

Ino finally won, thought it was considerably close because of Sakura's split personality. How she missed that she had no idea.

She went up to Naruto who was quietly talking to Shino.

"Why did you cheer me on and not Sakura?"

"Sakura is next to useless. At most she would make a decent medic, but outside that she can only repeat textbooks verbatim. You on the other hand at least have something to fall back on, namely your family's flower shop. You have a knowledge of poisons, even if you haven't considered using them to your advantage. And genjutsu would be devastating in your arsenal if you use them right," said Naruto flatly.

Ino looked thoughtful.

"Any other suggestions?"

"Some more taijutsu training wouldn't be amiss, possibly something to make you more flexible. From what I understand your family specialty mostly goes in a straight line, why not ask Shikamaru if you can adjust it so that you can change the angle at will?"

"We've tried," admitted Ino.

"Well how about combining it with other jutsu?"

"What about me?" asked Chouji. If Naruto was going to be dispensing advice, then he was definitely going to listen.

"I'll be blunt. With your family jutsu you are a tank. That means you have to learn how to take a punch and deliver a more devastating blow. Earth jutsu would work great with your arsenal, as would a time release spike strip."

Chouji nodded.

"Yeah, but the seal work alone to make something like that..."

"Why don't you meet up with me and Tenten later? She's a master of all things sharp and pointy and I'm sure this would get her interest in a hurry. Plus there's the fact that you would know how to use poisons, even if they are food based."

Watching Lee fight Gaara, Naruto paused. Lee's arm was broken and his ability to fight was gone. He flared some of his KI at Gaara with a pointed look.

Gaara's bloodlust reached him and he countered it with a higher dose.

"I told you already One, behave," said Naruto sharply.

The sand in the arena retreated back to the gourd at the reminder. Gaara wasn't going to provoke someone as dangerous as Naruto.

Anko had all the winners line up in a row to get their numbers. Naruto took one look at his and snorted.

Sasuke was screwed. About time he took that arrogant prick down a few pegs.

* * *

Naruto told those he trusted where to meet him for the training sessions. He would be using Kaleidoscope to take them to the area where they set up the Grail War, partly to check on the system but mostly because he was familiar with it.

He didn't expect to be taken aside by Jiraiya.

"Hello Naruto I'm..."

"A useless pervert who writes third-rate smut. I know who you are, and I find it highly unlikely you would be able to teach me anything of worth," said Naruto bluntly.

"I'm a seals master," said Jiraiya.

"I'm an advanced, close to actual mastery and Uzu trained. Try again."

"I can give you the Toad summoning contract and teach you the Rasengan."

"Already know the swirly ball of death and toads wouldn't fit with my style. Next."

Jiraiya stared at him, then at this headband.

"Perhaps we should have this talk in a more private setting."

"Agreed," said Naruto. With a bit of prana, he took them to the site of the New Grail Wars.

"What...where is this?"

"Welcome to the town of Hero's Throne. This is an entirely different world than you're used to."

Jiraiya then noticed something.

"Why do you look closer to thirty than 14?"

"Because that's my real age. First I have to ask, what is your loyalty?"

"To the Third, but if he passes then to you. I lost faith in Konoha a long time ago," said Jiraiya equally blunt.

"What if I were to tell you that I plan to gut Konoha of it's clans and rebuild Uzushio? I already have several people from Wave working on the buildings and supply."

"Tell me you full plan and explain why you're older than you should be."

"First off, I no longer consider myself a shinobi. I am a Magus. Secondly my full name is Naruto Uzumaki-Emiya-Einzbern, or just Uzumaki-Einzbern while we're here. When I was five, I was found by a Magus named Zelretch who dumped my near-dead self on someone known as the Magus killer. The family he was married into took me in, even after he betrayed them and turned me into their attack dog. When I was twenty my teacher Zelretch dropped me in Uzu and told me I had to stay at least a year and learn everything I could. I faked my death and went home during the war."

"Wait, you're an Uzu shinobi? Why are you in the Leaf then?"

"I'll get to that in a minute. When I was twenty three I participated in something called the Grail Wars and won. Tamamo?"

"Yes Master?"

Jiraiya drooled, then reigned it in.

"This was my Servant, she is now classed as my primary familiar. Now after we dismantled the broken Grail and placed it here, which is why I brought you here by the way, Zelretch gave me my final task. I had to pretend to be the Naruto Uzumaki that the _Leaf_ (he spat the name out with a snarl) believed me to be. He made it so I was stuck in my 'real' age until I reach Jounin or achieve an S ranking."

"So the reason you're in Konoha is to complete the assignment. What of Uzu though?"

"I have lost all faith in the Leaf after I realized that they were only using me as a weapon. Years of back stabbing and Magus training have opened my eyes to the truth. Seeing how weak the village has grown only strengthened my resolve to let it burn. I have seen how my alternates have lived and acted, and I have to say I prefer being a Magus to a shinobi if that was how I would turn out."

"How bad?"

Naruto brought out a specialized mirror that he borrowed from Tamamo to see how things went in his alternates and let Jiraiya see for himself. The man winced.

"You weren't even half trained and they expected you to survive? Sensei must be losing it if this was how you would have turned out."

"As the potential heir to the clan that took me in, my grandfather said if I can achieve what no one else has and survive Zelretch's final test then I would be a sure winner to lead the Einzbern clan once I leave that world. However my father Kiritsugu always firmly believed in a back-up ace."

"Which is why you're restoring Uzushio. It's your fall back option if things go wrong," said Jiraiya.

"Not to mention it gives me an entire village of trained fighters at my disposal that any opposition won't expect. An entire _village_ full of shinobi-trained Magi. Do you know what the most common saying of a Magus is Jiraiya?"

"No."

"A magus walks hand-in-hand with death with each thing he does. We go into that world knowing that every experiment we try may result in our death and welcome it like an old friend. Your shinobi claim that everything they do is for the good of the cause or the home or family, but can you imagine an entire village of people who are fully prepared to handle their deaths with each experimental jutsu or mission?"

"Dear kami... an entire village of people not afraid of death...you would make Uzu more powerful than it ever was before."

"And I would be doing something my mother likely would approve of...bringing the Uzumaki back home. I'm not about to let such a valuable asset go to waste because of something like a minor war."

"You'll have to deal with Danzo you realize?"

"I'm already gutting his organization as we speak. Who do you think is insuring that the citizens of Wave have all the help they need to rebuild the place?"

Naruto had snuck into that place and filched over fifty children too young to understand he wasn't supposed to be there, among them a pale boy who could do something interesting with ink.

As far they were concerned, they were working for the Uzukage.


	16. Chapter 16

Naruto collected all those who were willing to train with him for a month.

Ino, Haku, Hinata, a recently converted Neji, Chouji, Tenten, Shikamaru and Shino. Behind them were Anko, Jiraiya and a rather bored Hayate. Naruto would be checking on Lee's progress so he could bring the boy to Hero's Throne.

With a large amount of Prana, Naruto deposited them into the other world where Illyasviel, Shiro, Rin, Sakura and Bazett were waiting. Saber, Karin, Lancer, and Rider were coming in a bit once they had more food.

"Welcome to Hero's Throne. For the next three weeks we'll be training in magic and chakra. Jiraiya has offered to teach basic sealing to anyone interested, and for future reference he knows quite a bit of Earth jutsu. Hayate here has agreed to teach how to use a sword and some basic tricks that most jounin know...if you have the chakra for it he'll show you how to perform the shadow clone to speed up training. Anko here is our poison, interrogation, and intimidation mistress," said Naruto then he pointed to the others.

"Shiro here is going to teach anyone interested about reinforcement and projection. Illyasviel will give lessons how how to use alchemy and if you're interested the basic steps to make Mystic eyes, which are roughly equivalent to doujutsu, only you can chose what kind you have. For example I have a pair that allows me to lay a hypnosis on my enemies to humiliate them. Rin here is an advanced user of the Jewelcraft and basic magecraft. Sakura can teach you some of the darker aspects of magecraft, though I will not allow any of you to consider the crest worms as a viable option. Anyone who asks about them as a possibility will be kicked out immediately. For future research Shino, I'll give you a book about them. Bazett here is the equivalent of an ANBU, only she is better trained."

Ino raised a hand.

"What about the fox-earred chick?"

"Tamamo will teach you more about magecraft seals. Saber will teach you how to coat your swords if you take up the art in your element. Rider will give you lessons on how to sneak up and kill. And lastly Lancer will teach about weapons with a longer than normal reach. Any other questions?"

"Why aren't you teaching us?"

"Because I'll be insuring that you understand you lessons while I help Tenten over heard learn how to forge magic weapons, seeing as how I have some experience in that."

And with that they split into groups.

Shino went off to speak to Sakura Tohsaka, though he read the book on Crest Worms before he mentioned them to her. Learning about the Matou method of using familiars to store prana, the two quietly conferred about the possibility of turning his insects into magic circuits. Shiro ended up in that discussion on his experience with using his own nerves. Ino gravitated towards Anko along with Chouji on the use of poisons.

Shikamaru went to speak to Rin about his element and origin, because he had been having trouble. Hinata and Neji immediately went to Illya because of her Mystic Eyes.

Jiraiya went to Bazett about her experience as an Enforcer and what it would mean for the village Naruto was making.

When Saber and the others arrived, Hayate went to her for a little sparring match. She seemed very pleased by his skills so they often vanished to train his kenjutsu.

Meanwhile Naruto walked Tenten through the basics of weapon enchantment and sealing.

* * *

Shino had his hive become an open circle, close enough for his element to connect between their bodies. While he couldn't use chakra because of his clan techniques, the same couldn't be said of magecraft.

Naruto had given him a way to surpass what many considered a limitation in the Aburame clan. If they hadn't been considering following him to Uzu before, they most certainly would now.

Sure the process of turning his hive into temporary magic circuits had been dangerous, but the results were more than worth it. For too long the Aburame had been considered a _minor_ clan compared to the Hyuga, and it annoyed them. Yes they were limited in jutsu, but that didn't make them any less dangerous.

A single mosquito can kill thousands when loaded with the right disease and given time to breed.

Yet other ninja mocked them for their quiet nature, even avoided them outright out of disgust for their techniques.

Naruto accepted them without question and even offered an alternative that would allow them to keep their clan secrets and improve on their personal skills. After Shino had managed to get a working system going with his hive, Naruto even brought his father to the town to see the results.

If they hadn't agreed to consider the offer to move, then any doubts would have been taken away at the sight of Shino blasting a wooden crate using only his insects and some prana.

After reading about Crest worms however, the Aburame agreed that the cost of the things was unacceptable to even consider. That and he heard from Sakura herself what it was like to have the things invade your body.

That was more than enough to get a complete ban on the subject with the clan, when told of them.

* * *

Ino was thrilled to finally have a use for her gossiping ways. She had never considered becoming a spy master until Jiraiya mentioned his other function.

The Yamanaka clan had always been good at ferreting out information, the females more so than the men.

So the idea of turning her gossiping habit into a working spy trade had never even crossed her mind...just as using her favorite flowers as weapons had never even occurred to her.

Naruto was quick to procure some rather fetching (and highly poisonous) flowers for her to experiment with. Ino was having fun learning under Jiraiya on how to create and manage her spy contacts.

It was another step closer to removing the Yamanaka clan from Konoha.

* * *

Tenten was grinning, there was no other word for it. She had been enamored of Shiro Emiya ever since she saw him project one of her favorite blades...a hundred times over.

When Naruto checked her element and origin, he was unsurprised that Tenten was also an incarnation...but unlike Shiro hers was metal. This tied into her chakra elements of fire and earth quite nicely and explained why she was so good at being a blacksmith.

Introducing her to Alturia had only been the next step. Tenten was an instant fangirl of someone like Saber and of her sword, and Saber was pleased to have such an attentive apprentice who took such diligent care of her weapons.

Another thing that she was delighted about was Jiraiya teaching her more advanced sealing techniques. Naruto said she had a natural eye towards the art, more so than someone like Neji would.

As such her ability with her weapons had only increased to the point that had she been able to beat Temari, she would have been a force to reckon with come exam time.

She could always wait until Naruto got Uzu up and running.

* * *

Neji was at a loss. On one hand he enjoyed his talks with Illyasviel, but on another he didn't know how to react to someone like her.

On the other he finally got to talk to his cousin without worrying about it getting back to her father Hiashi or the elders. Actually being blunt with her changed many views he had about Hinata.

Point in fact that she had been quite adamant about abolishing the caged bird seal entirely. Upon learning about Mystic Eyes, she was curious if it was possible to tie their doujutsu to the spells needed to make them, thus negating the need for the seal entirely.

The only real issue about that was the fact that they would need several pairs of byakugan eyes to experiment that idea.

If what Naruto was proposing was in fact true, then they would have enough to spare. He wasn't very happy with the main house and how they treated people like Neji just because of what side they were on.

When Uzu was brought back to life, Neji would happily stand beside the man training them to be more than just tools.

* * *

Haku had a minor dilemma. On one hand the man who spared their lives was making it possible for her and her master to become stronger. On the other she was often staring at him with something akin to lust.

Never had she met someone with more power than Zabuza, yet cared for her as if she were blood. The way he protected his sister made her body boil. If she were honest to herself, she would admit she was highly attracted to the man before her, despite actually being her senior.

When she mentioned it to Zabuza, all he said was that if she wished to pursue him, she had his blessing. Anyone else would have to fight him for it. As it was she found herself in the unique position of having both the sister and a man she thought of as her father encouraging her to go after an older man. It was rather confusing.

Great fun for the two in question to watch though.

* * *

Chouji was loving it here. Not a single person mocked him for his size, and instead worked to incorporate his family ability to make him better.

They never forced him to explain what each jutsu was, only the basic effect. Naruto was very clear that they would never be forced to expose clan secrets at any time, unlike in Konoha where the civilians often believed such things should be public record.

It was one of the major issues that every shinobi put their foot down on.

Once his father saw how strong he had gotten from minimal training, there was little doubt the Akimichi clan would join Naruto in his quest to remake Uzushiogakure.

* * *

Shikamaru was glad as he observed Chouji working with a fascinated Bazett. His best friend was slowly coming out of his shell and becoming strong in his own right.

For all his intelligence, he acknowledge Naruto was indeed a force to be reckoned with. Unlike the rest of their class, Naruto had always understood at a fundamental level that killing did not equal being a monster. Originally it had been the small details that made Shikamaru befriend the boy, though later he realized that actually getting to know him would have far reaching consequences...namely his own family.

The Nara clan was known for it's intelligence and shadow plays.

Now it would be known as the first clan of Konoha to willingly lead the charge under Naruto's banner. Naruto never once asked for their clan jutsu, rather a description of their basic effects, then formulated a plan that would work. He planned and had already started the rebirth of his mother's homeland, which had been destroyed in the Second war.

Shikamaru would not have been surprised to learn that Naruto had served as jounin commander for an entire year during that time.

* * *

Hinata was very happy. She was able to reconnect with Neji without him falling into his old patterns of behavior and she impressed Illya with her mindset.

Hinata could care less about using the Hyuuga Elder's eyes to see if they could tie the doujutsu into the Mystic Eye magic. In her mind they had abandoned her first.

Thanks to Naruto, she was able to flourish as she should have. She would follow him to the ends of the earth, even if only to bask in his light.

* * *

Naruto was not idle in the month they spent training. In between helping the others and chatting with his family, he used that time to finally experiment with his father's family crest.

The Emiya clan was noted to have some ability towards time magic, which if expanded on properly could be used in sync with the Hiraishin that Jiraiya had from his birth father.

Naruto thought it appropriate that the two men who made him who he was today would be able to work together even after their deaths. Somehow he had the feeling that Kiritsugu Emiya and Minato Namikaze would have been able to get along just fine.

So far the results looked promising when combining the Flying Thunder God and the Emiya's odd ability to manipulate time. Since Naruto had more of the Emiya family crest than Kiritsugu did, he had somewhat better success.

He looked up to watch Karin and Hinata talk in low voices.

Ever since she learned that he was the rightful head of the Uzumaki clan, Karin had been insistent on being his second-in-command, or at least secretary. From the way they were talking it looked like he would have help managing the various clans once Uzu was back up and running.

It was a total hassle keeping that much quiet from the old man, and even more so to rewire those kids into being his minions. Fortunately Tazuna was eager to help with the reconstruction provided Naruto kept siphoning off Gato's empire into Wave's nearly ruined economy.

Einzbern homunculi were quite useful in managing money and this particular model was one he had coined himself. She made sure that the reconstruction efforts were well funded and kept on time. And she also made sure that Wave would be able to recover nicely without drawing suspicion.

* * *

When three weeks passed, Naruto sent all those from the Elemental Countries home, and kissed his younger sister goodbye. She would show up for the tournament along with Shiro, Saber, Rider, Rin, Sakura and knowing his luck Zelretch.

He took a walk around the village, bored, until he ran into Gaara.

"Ichi," he said in greeting.

"Kyu," he said back.

"How much difficulty is that faulty seal giving you?"

"I cannot sleep without him taking over," said Gaara.

"How would you like to be able to sleep again? The only catch is that your demon would have more trouble controlling you and you would have to train to be able use his powers."

Gaara looked at him.

"What's the price?"

"The price is a favor to be called in later."

"Do you have any ties to Konoha?"

"This place can burn, but only after I gut their forces," smirked Naruto.

Thanks to a useful spell, no one heard his remark except Gaara.

"When do you plan to move?"

"Soon, within a few years at least. Until then, I plan to make allies and contingency plans...as my father Kiritsugu once said, always have a back-up, because you'll never know when your plan is about to go to hell."

"Wise words."

"Ironically he was an assassin, not shinobi trained either."

"So why are you helping me?"

"Because you have the potential to be great, and I have an eye for those who can be used later. And besides, you can be useful to me as well right now."

"How?"

"Because the only seal I've seen to contain a demon has been my own. So shall we?"

Gaara weighed his options. On one hand this boy was clearly stronger than him and could kill him if he wanted. On another, he was offering to help with only a favor to be called in later. That was more than his father had ever done for him.

"Count me in. Whether their invasion succeeds is none of my concern," said Gaara.

"Let me guess...tournament? Won't your people be in for a surprise once Saber and the others are allowed to play," said Naruto with an evil smirk.

Saber and the other former servants had been bored ever since the war ended. This was the perfect opportunity to let them play with no restrictions and test Shiro's abilities under battlefield conditions.


	17. Chapter 17

Illya walked in Konoha with her family. Today Naruto would either make or break his reputation among the ninja. This was a pivotal turning point according to all the alternates.

They would not interfere with the death of the Hokage, as it was a needed catalyst and Naruto had no love for the old man who nearly ruined his life with his weakness.

Tsunade was their wild card, since Jiraiya needed to be free in order to help them rebuild Uzu. He had agreed to do so since Naruto was the closest thing he had to a grandson and he had lost faith in Konoha when shown what would have happened had Zelretch not been out trolling again.

From there Naruto would slowly start to siphon off the rogue gallery from the information Zabuza gave. With Jiraiya spreading the word, it would be simple to get information to them.

And once he was ready to leave, Tsunade would gut the entire village and leave someone incompetent in her place, leaving them vulnerable for a while.

Naruto was very thorough.

Beside her was Saber, Assassin, and Sakura. Rin, Shiro, Zelretch (he insisted on joining them), and Rider would be coming after them once they settled in.

Naruto had long since commandeered a small house in the middle of the forest that no one wanted because it was reported to be haunted. The Hokage had allowed it, unaware that Naruto had long since expanded it so much that it was more of an underground mansion to go along with his rather sizable workshop that he had inside the Kaleidoscope.

Of course he would destroy the house the moment he left, and the primary tunnel which he used to get to the underground.

Illya smiled when she found Lee. It took Alturia all of five minutes to realize the true reason why she was so fascinated by the odd shinobi.

Lee had all of her brothers bad habits and Naruto's original personality. He had Shiro's stubbornness and work ethic, and Naruto's desire to keep his precious people safe from everyone. That odd illusion of his, she could do without.

"So what is Naruto's plan of action?" asked Jiraiya.

"From what he said he's going to give that lone Earth idiot a heart attack by 'recreating' his father's little trick.

As it turned out, Minato's little seal trick with the kunai was actually an instinctual use of the same thing the Emiya crest was known for. Time manipulation. The 'yellow blur' most people saw was the result of him moving too fast for the eye to compensate inside the chakra field.

Needless to say this had surprised Naruto greatly when he finally cracked the last seal. It had taken the last week to figure out how to compensate for this using only prana instead of chakra, and the result was the birth of a new Yellow Flash.

The only major difference was that Naruto could activate it when he wanted to, instead of having to rely on the bounded field Minato created using his kunai as a medium. Needless to say Naruto found his new pet project once Uzushio was back up and running and the Uzumaki had come home.

Of course Rin was incensed when she finally found out the trick Naruto had come up with to absorb circuits straight from a cooling corpse.

Naruto barely delved into Jewelcraft, but what little he did made him an instant threat to enemy Magi.

There was a spell to 'drain' prana from an object into a jewel. Most people used it to store extra magic into the stones as a quick burst of energy.

Naruto had altered the draining aspect into something far more dangerous and had set it so that they only way to gain a boost was to either crush the stone all at once...or to ingest it. Naruto had inadvertently found a way to 'drain' the circuits from a Magus with only a jewel and an altered spell. The draining process took an hour at least and the amount of prana needed to do it was enormous, but the result was that he could turn anyone who caught his interest into a Magus, whether they were a natural one or not.

It had taken him two years to find a way to alter the spell to absorb crests as well. The end result was that he was easily more of a danger than Zelretch was bored, and he had a store of magic jewels which could create an army out of normal mercenaries. The jewels were useless after, but that was a moot point.

Rin was the only person he told about _how_ he was able to do it though. No doubt she would consider than an avenue of research soon enough, if only to alleviate the boredom of being Zelretch's apprentice when he _wasn't_ bored.

Annoying troll or not, Naruto fully admitted that when he wasn't bored, learning from the vampire was sometimes enough to put _him_ to sleep.

* * *

"Where's nii-san?" asked Illya. The matches had already started and they were only mildly entertained.

Illya and the others had put a sizable sum (thanks to Gatou's former wealth) on Naruto beating Sasuke, and with the odds what they were they were sure to make a killing.

Anyone even remotely close to the boy had done the same, Iruka included.

Finally it was Naruto's turn. Illya had popcorn for the event.

"Round four, Uzumaki-Emiya Naruto VS Uchiha Sasuke!" called out Genma.

They waited for several minutes, Naruto already tapping his foot impatiently for the other to arrive. The longer he waited, the more he considered the idea of trapping Sasuke in the body of a woman...and dumping her ass in Kumo, well known for it's desire to seek out those with bloodline limits.

Finally Genma had a little chat with the Hokage, waiting with the Tsuchikage for the round to begin. He looked at Naruto apologetically.

"Sorry runt. Looks like the higher ups plan to postpone the fight until the Uchiha gets here," said Genma.

"Not your fault. He'll reap what he sows," said Naruto flatly.

He would have to talk to Illya about using her ability to move souls into new containers and see if she wanted to help him move Sasuke into a very fertile female homuculus body made of Uchiha blood but no Sharingan available.

Considering what he said to her in Wave, she should be interested. Depended on how much Sasuke pissed him off during the fight though.

Seeing Sasuke's smug expression later, Naruto's plan to dump him in Kumo with a new body kept going higher and higher. The more Sasuke pissed him off, the more Naruto planned to bring him down to his knees. Itachi was liable to be furious when he learned that Sasuke's special eyes had been stolen before he could even use them by someone the boy had pissed off.

* * *

Illya growled. How dare they make them wait! If the boy had missed the time, then they should have disqualified him for being late like any other person! Zelretch chuckled darkly.

"What's so funny fang-face?" growled Rin.

"You didn't see the look on Naruto's face did you? If the Uchiha kid angers him any more by making him win by forfeit, he's going to do something very humiliating and degrading to the boy."

"Any chance we could get in on some betting action as to what?" asked Illya with an evil gleam.

"Of course my dear! I place five different jewels on him being turned into a girl," said Zelretch.

"I'll place a few books on girl and thrown into a place where she's turned into a brood mare," said Illya.

"I'll place a few gold pieces that he beats the shit out of him," said Alturia.

"Five jewels that he trolls the kid into a wall," said Rin.

"From what I heard he already did that to a spy during the last exam," said Zelretch.

"Two meals of your choice he sticks him in a female homunculus," said Shiro.

"More like he would make it and have me do it. He's not so great at transference," said Illya grinning.

As they quietly made bets on what Naruto would do to Sasuke for making him wait (he wasn't very patient, and some of the people at the Magus Association called him the ADD Poster Child from hell...especially when he started learning from Zelretch) they snacked on a few items. Eventually Chouji and those in the know came to join them.

His father had been so impressed with his new combinations that the family was fashioning his armor a bit earlier than normal.

"What you betting on?"

"What Naruto will do to Sasuke for making him wait," said Illya.

"...turning people into animals isn't possible, right?"

"You can't change them...but transferring their souls into an animal is possible."

"Put some of the specialty chips my family tends to devour whenever they're available on that outcome," said Chouji.

"How many bags?" asked Rider who had a notebook in her hands.

"Two."

"So we have two people on being turned into female, one on animal form, and one on trolling. Oh, and one of them said female and brood mare. And let's not forget the classic beat down. Any other takers?"

There were none. Had Naruto heard the comments, he would have been extremely amused by it all.

* * *

Naruto walked down a second time, as the final round had been extended just for their fight. If Sasuke missed this he was in for it. Big time.

With a flurry of leaves, Kakashi appeared with his third student. Naruto glared at them both.

"I will hunt down your collection and burn it," snarled Naruto to Kakashi. He paled.

"Hmph, dumbass," said Sasuke.

"Copycat," said Naruto with equal disdain...then he smirked, "Get those fancy eyes yet?"

"Soon loser, soon I shall have my revenge!" snarled Sasuke. It was a sore point that he had yet to unlock the Sharingan, despite how close he came in Wave. Naruto would enjoy with glee when he informed the boy that said eyes were now forever outside his reach.

"Begin!"

"Prepare to be defeated loser," said Sasuke.

"Not a chance in hell moron," said Naruto, adopted a look of contempt for him.

Sasuke charged, lightning jutsu at the edge of his fingers ready to strike. Naruto simply stomped on the ground, rupturing it with ease.

* * *

_Up in the Kage Booth..._

"I thought the two are teammates?" asked the Tsuchikage.

"They are," said Sarutobi.

"Then why does the blond brat look at the kid with more contempt than I showed the Fourth?" smirked the Tsuchikage.

"Despite popular belief, Team 7 isn't held together by Kakashi. Naruto is the one who keeps them from killing each other," smirked the Hokage's guard.

"Oh?"

"The kid can piss off a saint, yet when it comes to missions he keeps them in line with smart remarks and putting his foot down. The other two only work together long enough to try and maul him. Why the hell _did_ you put those three together anyway Sir? Everyone knows Naruto hates his teammates and considers Kakashi a total wimp," asked his ANBU.

"Kakashi requested it," muttered Sarutobi.

"Well then he was an idiot not to read the reports on Naruto's interaction with them."

Sarutobi couldn't help but agree. Seeing how Naruto treated his team with outright loathing and going so far as to avoid team training to visit other jounin, including Anko in order to get stronger and avoid two people he couldn't stand...he had little doubt Naruto would ask to be removed just so he wouldn't be held down by them anymore.

Even Kakashi had finally noticed there was an honest problem, which resulted in him refusing to more than the bare bones of training, and that would get them killed. He was trying too hard to bring his old team out in his new one.

Then Naruto did something that really riled up the Tsuchikage.

He disappeared in a blur, and the only thing to say where he was standing was a blur of yellow afterimage.

The Hokage blinked. Did Jiraiya give Naruto the notes to the Hiraishin? He said he was only going to tell him about the rasengan and possibly a toad summoning contract...

* * *

Sasuke stumbled.

"What the hell did you do loser?!"

"Nonya," he said smugly.

"Nonya?" repeated Sasuke confused.

"As in None ya business," said Naruto smirking coldly.

Sasuke snarled and began a second charge, only to find that yellow blur in his path at every corner.

"How the hell are you doing that?!" he shouted.

"Like I would tell an Akasha-damned copy cat who would only try to add it to his own arsenal. Though you would die trying...on second thought maybe I should tell you. You're a fucking nuisance anyway!"

Sasuke's glare went up a notch, but Naruto had been inoculated from that years ago after pissing off the various Magi in the Magus Association.

Naruto reached behind him as if to draw a sword (though he was really reaching into his workshop for a weapon to deliver a beat down) and pulled out...a girly-looking orange staff with wings?

Naruto openly swore, as he had very bad memories associated with this particular staff, no matter _how_ powerful the damn thing was.

* * *

_Up in the stands..._

Rin's eyebrow twitched, as did Illya's.

"Please tell me that's not what I think it is," said Rin.

Zelretch cackled, though he didn't deny it.

"Why does _he_ have a Kaleidostick?" asked Rin, eyebrows twitching.

"I made one for him of course. Nearly every single one of his alternates can become a girl with a small application of chakra, or was born one. I threw him into a magical girl world so he would learn how to use it properly."

"How many worlds did he throw you through in retaliation?" asked Illya, her voice annoyed.

"...Four..." admitted Zelretch.

Rin and Illya had issues with the Kaleidosticks, namely because of the fact that the two currently in existence that they were aware of were notorious perverts who wouldn't hesitate to abandon their owners if annoyed too much. The last time Rin had used one, which was the Ruby version, it had nearly killed her by leaving her in mid-air after abandoning her and another Magus named Luvia.

Zelretch was a master of Jewel magic...but he was also a notorious pain-in-the-ass to deal with when bored. Hence the girly looking staffs.

From the ground they heard Naruto's enraged shout as his eyebrows twitched while looking at the staff.

"DAMN YOU TO HELL AND BACK ZELRETCH!"

Naruto then proceeded to go into a berserker-like state as he chased Sasuke around with the girly staff and when he caught up to the boy he began to beat him senseless.

Only when Sasuke stopped moving did Naruto calm down. He tossed the staff away from him, only for it to vanish mid-air back into his workshop. Zelretch let off a booming laugh at the fact that even though Naruto wasn't that sixteen year old boy anymore, the mere sight of the Kaleidostick Agate could send him into a rage at the reminder of the hell Zelretch forced him through.

Though to be fair, Zelretch did dump him in a female body in one of the _girliest_ magical girl universes imaginable...that of Sailor Moon.

Being forced to 'transform' and show all and then be forced to use that blasted perverted staff just to defeat the monster of the week... Naruto had been mentally scarred for life.

The feeling of giving that dumb blonde Usagi a broken arm and two black eyes right before she finally left had been particularly satisfying though. As was breaking Luna's tail.

"Winner...Uzumaki! (Genma covered his mike up for a moment) You do realize that they'll deduct points for that beat down right?"

"Let's just say there are things no man should ever be forced to endure. The bastard who gave me the stick thought it was funny to make me endure several over-powered fan girls and two talking nin animals who wouldn't shut up about some princess or whatever while turning me into a girl and making me use chakra through that damn staff. I got my revenge though...I kicked his ass when I finally went back to normal," said Naruto evilly.

"Extenuating circumstances...gotcha," said Genma. The idea of being stuck a woman while being forced to associate with overpowered fan girls, the bane of all real shinobi...yeah, he could understand the berserker rage the kid had. Sasuke would be in the hospital for a week, and even then he would never be able to look at Naruto without flinching for a few months.


	18. Chapter 18

At the sight of the beat down using the staff, several of the other fighters gave him a look.

"What was with that staff?" asked Shino.

"Zelretch, the damn vampire with my sister and his current apprentice, gave me that after turning me into a girl for a year and forcing me to deal with seven overpowered fan girls and two talking nin animals who wouldn't shut up about some princess and her kingdom and having to deal with their hormonal times of the month. All while sealing my chakra so I had to work with that damn staff who won't shut up...worst part was that the damn thing was a freaking pervert!" shuddered Naruto.

Every shinobi there winced.

"So that berserker rage..." said Shikamaru.

"Every time I see or hear that damn thing I go nuts...especially if that vampire is around. Combined with the fact I was dealing with Sasuke at the time..."

"Remind me never to piss you off to that extent," deadpanned Shikamaru.

* * *

It was before Gaara's match was to begin when white feathers began to fall.

Naruto growled, as that meant he wouldn't have a chance to fight again and possibly advance to Chunin. On the other hand, he had his cell phone out (he had bought several simple ones for Rin and the others...even Zelretch had one!) and called them.

"_What?"_ demanded Rin.

"Tell Saber, Rider and Assassin that they are allowed to play, but target only those with the musical note on their headbands. I don't need them harming Gaara by mistake. Oh, and remember that the Third is not _our_ problem," said Naruto.

Rin hung up on him, but relayed the news to the former Servants. Tamamo grinned evilly when she saw the idiots from Sound gang up in the corridor.

"Master, may I?" she all but begged.

"Have fun Tama-chan," said Naruto evilly. She squealed in delight and sent tags flying.

* * *

Naruto was not idle. Instead of going after enemy shinobi and possibly revealing his hand, he went directly to Gaara.

He placed a single hand on the boy's shoulder, to the shock of his siblings.

"Calm, One. You don't want to give those _Leaf_ shinobi a reason to use you later do you?" he said.

"You're Leaf!" said Temari.

"I'm Whirlpool. I could care less if the entire village burned to the ground," said Naruto flatly.

"Whirlpool was destroyed," said Kankuro.

"It was wounded. It's people are scattered and merely in wait for the head of the Uzumaki to call them home. When I'm done the Leaf will be a passing memory, a footnote in a new age."

"What of Suna?" asked Temari.

"Who said I had anything against Suna? Jinchuriki should stick together after all."

Temari paled.

"Coincidentally, those seven girls and the two guys wiping out the Sound Ninja are with me," he said.

Temari looked up in the stands and paled. Even watching the disturbing ease Rider and Saber were having was enough to scare her.

"So what do you say to a probationary alliance between Uzu and Suna?"

Their instructor appeared, wondering why Gaara had yet to go on a rampage.

"I'm with Uzu. Feel free to level the place, but I will have to maintain the appearance of _trying_ to stop you," said Naruto.

Naruto kept half an eye on Gaara, as he had no wish for his new friend to fall in the hands of the Leaf.

He did, however, send out the clones to have some fun and at least keep the children alive. He watched with interest as Rider went all out on the Sound shinobi while Shiro and Saber had fun beating the ANBU to most of the fighting.

The looks on their faces when Shiro let lose his Reality Marble were rather amusing to say the least. Seeing Tenten drool (she had followed Shiro) was hilarious.

Any doubts that she wouldn't end up in Shiro's smaller harem went out the window when he saw that.

* * *

Orochimaru blinked when he saw his men getting slaughtered outright by seven females and one lone male. Though the old man seemed to be playing with them rather than killing them.

"Who are they?" he asked Sarutobi.

"Naruto's family. They're a major pain-in-my-ass that show up every month, and the paperwork is a bitch and a half. If I could get away with it, I would have sent them your way," said the old Hokage annoyed.

"Naruto, as in the Uzumaki boy? His ability to irritate Kabuto was most impressive...that was the first time I've ever seen him so angry that he ran into a wall of his own volition," said Orochimaru. That had been quite impressive by his standards.

Not to mention hilarious to watch.

Sarutobi grumbled unflattering things under his breath about Naruto. He loved the boy like a grandson, but he was worse than the Kyuubi when he was bored.

The number of times Hiashi and various uptight Elders came complaining about something he said or did...it made him drink!

* * *

Rider stared at the massive Snake summon, who was about to eat her.

It paused a few feet from eating her whole, and seemed to take a good long sniff of her scent with it's tongue.

"_Apologies. I was unaware that a Great One walked among the mortals once more_," said the summon.

"It's not your fault. I was unaware of a summoning contract for serpents was available. Can you inform Manda that I would like to speak to him about his choice in summoners?"

"_If you would be so kind as to dispel me I will inform Manda-dono about this development. A few punches should suffice."_

Medusa obliged and the summon vanished. Jiraiya paused and stared at her in disbelief.

"What was that about?"

"I have an...affinity...for snakes. They wouldn't dare harm me unless they've completely lost all reason."

"So what's your plan for the second one?"

"I'll have a little chat with him...the Academy is going to be demolished," said Medusa flatly.

"The kids are already gone from it, so have at it," shrugged Jiraiya.

Medusa ran towards the second snake and gave her instructions. It nearly ate her like the first had, but one whiff of her scent and it immediately made it's way to the Academy.

The only place safe was Ichiraku Ramen, and that was because Saber was standing guard around it. Apparently she had an addiction to the menu just like Naruto did. The snake took one look at her eyes and avoided the area entirely. It wasn't suicidal.

* * *

Sakura Tohsaka was enjoying herself. For once she didn't have to care about what would happen should her darker half be set free.

She allowed it control willingly with the agreement that Dark Sakura left those who knew of her alone...or those who had prana, which amounted to the same thing.

Naruto didn't give a damn if she killed Leaf shinobi, but he took offense to Sound and was irritated at Suna at the very least. It didn't take long for the Leaf wearing shinobi to avoid her actively, lest her powers kill them without care.

Anyone Naruto cared about in the village (Iruka, Teuchi and Ayame, Konohamaru and his friends) had already been evacuated to the Hokage Mountain the moment the invasion started.

So she was free to kill and use her magic however she damn well pleased. Dark Sakura was happy.

* * *

Rin was openly cursing Zelretch, mostly because he had handed her an unwelcome surprise the moment the fighting started.

It was that damn Kaleidostick again. She hated it the first time, so why the hell did he have to bring it with him _today_ of all days?! She didn't care how useful the damn thing was, it pissed her off almost as much as it had Naruto.

And to make matters worse, Illya always had better luck with the damn thing than she ever did.

Luckily Naruto didn't mind letting her dip into his stash of jewels, aside from his special ones.

* * *

Naruto was bored. Here he was keeping Gaara from going on a rampage by holding an intelligent conversation with him, and his family got to go all out.

They were definitely having more fun than Naruto was at the moment.

He frowned as he watched the ANBU on the roof.

"Are all ANBU complete idiots or something?"

"What makes you ask that?" said Baki. Since Naruto had clearly stated he was an Uzu shinobi and could care less about the Leaf, he had no reason to attack him.

"Look at them. They're on the roof panicking about the Hokage and Orochimaru, yet they clearly missed something very obvious!"

"Which is?"

"The bottom of the barrier isn't protected."

Baki blinked then looked himself. It wasn't obvious from where he was, so Naruto handed him some binoculars.

"Pay close attention to where their feet are. Notice anything unusual? This barrier supposedly protected from all sides right?"

Baki looked. The roof had been torn up pretty good.

"Now look at where the Sound ninja are maintaining it do you see any area were the tiles were crushed inward?"

Baki looked. The tiles were still perfectly formed, not a sign of damage. He blinked twice. Wait a minute...

"Now you see what I'm getting at. Those idiots are just sitting there doing nothing when the barrier is weaker or nonexistent at the bottom. Otherwise those tiles would at the very least be damaged," said Naruto.

"Konoha's ANBU aren't living up to their reputation," said Baki.

"It gets even better...I outrun them at a mid-chunin's pace, and most of them are supposed to be jounin. The only one who's ever caught me is an Academy teacher...and he's barely mid-chunin! These idiots have been slacking in their training!" said Naruto in disgust.

Really, he had a perfectly good reason for wanting to ditch Konoha...the place had become complacent in it's superiority!

Baki couldn't believe the arrogance of these Leaf ninja. Just because they were one of the Big Five didn't mean they should go easy on the training!

* * *

_Time skip several hours..._

Naruto was impassive at the death of the Third. Really, the man should have _stayed_ retired for all the good he did. He was so tired of being the leader that he missed several key qualities.

If he was that bad at being a good leader, then he should have brought Tsunade back years ago!

At least the repairs to Uzu were almost done.

He did stay near Konohamaru, since he was considered a surrogate older brother by the kid and his friends.

Naruto liked kids...they were evil little monsters that had yet to grow claws or fangs and yet they survived through deviousness. And kids loved him, for he was an adult who took their words seriously and didn't think twice about swearing in front of them.

Once the funerals were out of the way, repairs became a priority. Too bad Naruto had recently been promoted to Chunin before the Civilian Council realized what had happened. It was a common consensus between the shinobi clans to promote him, despite his berserker rage during his match...which Genma explained came from the odd weapon he had used to bludgeon the Uchiha kid into submission.

Every shinobi on that council winced with sympathy when they heard he had been forced to endure seven overpowered fangirls with his chakra sealed for over a year with only that weapon to defend himself...which apparently could speak and was a notorious pervert.

So yes, they were forgiving if the mere sight of that odd staff sent him into a rage.

Normally the shinobi council tried to get along with the civilian one. They hated listening to the civilians bitch and moan about them outvoting them and forcefully taking control of the village.

However after the death of the Third and the knowledge that they can and would keep Naruto a genin and make his life as a shinobi worse (plus the secret alliances he had been making for months now) meant that the shinobi council kicked the civilians out and took over the promotions.

Among the newly minted chunin, they had all reached an agreement.

Shikamaru Nara, Naruto Uzumaki-Emiya, Temari Subaku, Shino Aburame and a lone girl from Kumo made chunin. After that they let the civvies back in (with all the paperwork already gone to the appropriate channels) and concentrated on repairs. If it hadn't been for the extensive damage done to the Academy and most of the village, they wouldn't have bothered allowing the civilians in at all.

Shikaku looked at a report about the books. Something didn't seem right about these.

"What's up Shika?" asked his friend Chouza.

"Look at these books...all of them were issued little more than ten years ago."

"And?"

"Look at the subjects they cover. I know we agreed to make it easier for civilians to pass the exam, but this is mostly useless dreck! I only see a passing mention of the Uzumaki clan, let alone any others aside from the Hyuuga, Uchiha and the Senju!"

Chouza looked through the book, flipping through it. His mouth settled into a frown.

It seemed to lean heavily towards the Uchiha and the Senju. There wasn't any mention of the Akimichi or other clans aside from Hyuuga.

"Less than ten years? Isn't that when Uzumaki went missing?"

"I think the council took advantage of the Hokage's distraction to insure that the Uzumaki clan...among others...was firmly forgotten."

"I suppose it's a good thing that snake destroyed the Academy and ruined the books then," smirked Chouza.

"What's up?"

"Time for another emergency session with the other clans. The Civilian Council has been up to their usual tricks again. I say we take advantage of the situation to bring our children back up to proper standards."

* * *

Naruto sat across from Gaara and his group.

"Hear the news? Seems like the shinobi are retaking their village back from those annoying civilians," smirked Naruto.

Having a familiar that could go invisible was extremely useful when it came to gathering intel.

"No wonder the shinobi here are so weak."

"Exactly, which is why I'm ditching this place in a few years. I'll gut this place and let it burn," said Naruto.

"Why? I thought Uzu was an ally?" asked Baki.

"Who was it that failed to uphold the alliance when it was needed most? Who was it that left me to die when I was five after I first unlocked my coils? Which village hated me enough to ignore my very existence because of what I hold? No, this village is at the end of it's run, and I plan to be there when it falls. The Third should have forced Tsunade or Jiraiya to take charge when the Fourth was killed, rather than allow these pathetic civilians take command in the short interim," spat Naruto.

Baki was in agreement. Most of Konoha's weakness could be laid at the fact they allowed the civilians take command in shinobi matters. Not all of them, but enough that they allowed their Academy to become more of a playground just so civilian trained children had an easier time passing.

"So what do you think the Suna council will say when I bring back Uzu?"

"You aren't going to renew the bond between Konoha and Uzu are you?"

"Not until every bastard that looked at me wrong when I was still loyal is hanged and tortured," said Naruto flatly.

"How many?" asked Gaara.

"Pretty much the entire village. Which reminds me, Gaara we need to have a talk about your bad habit of killing people," said Naruto.

"You dislike my methods?" asked Gaara unhappily.

"No, I dislike the fact you're so wasteful about it," corrected Naruto.

"Wasteful?" asked Temari in disbelief.

"I'm a Magus first, a shinobi second. Our ways mean that we walk hand in hand with death with each experiment we do. We aren't like most civilians who frown on mass murder. We just prefer that when it's done, that you at least do it _constructively_," said Naruto.

Gaara looked surprised at that.

Naruto looked at Baki.

"Gaara is universally feared in Suna right?"

"Yes," he said, not getting why that was important.

"Well why not put that fear to good use? Anko uses her naturally sadistic nature as Konoha's top interrogator. Why not put Gaara's reputation and willingness to kill people into an occupation that calls for both? He could be Suna's best interrogator," said Naruto.

Baki looked like someone had struck him silly with a fish. Why hadn't he considered that himself?!


	19. Chapter 19

Naruto was having tea with Tamamo and Sakura (everyone else had gone home) when he saw the familiar Sharingan red. It didn't take a genius to figure out who this was.

Itachi Uchiha had come back to Konoha.

Naruto discreetly watched them leave and looked at Sakura.

"Can you wait for me at the house? I don't want the Uchiha to notice you."

"Sure. I'm still recovering my reserves," said Sakura, finishing her dango.

"Uchiha," said Naruto bluntly on the river's edge.

"Uzumaki."

"Your brother is an idiot," said Naruto flatly.

"What?"

"He should have known better than to piss off his betters, and he paid the price," said Naruto.

"Is he..."

"He'll live...but he will never gain the Sharingan. He should have kept his mouth about my family shut," said Naruto.

"What did you do to him?" asked Itachi.

"Like I said...the famous doujutsu of the Uchiha will never be his after he pissed me off. I can be quite...vindictive...when the mood strikes me. The best part is that he has no idea of what I've done to him."

Itachi would have said something, had Hatake (among others) not shown up at that moment. Naruto left after delivering his cryptic message and went to see what he could do to kill time.

* * *

Jiraiya found Naruto during his rare time with his girls and the recently added Haku. She had approached the group, somewhat blushing, when she overheard Sakura talk about being unable to walk after visiting Naruto.

After a few hours in Naruto's care, she found that he was a much better boyfriend than most of the others her age around the village.

Judging by the leering Jiraiya was doing, since Naruto was in his eighteen-year-old body instead of his actual age (mostly because he was getting the hang of adjusting it out of necessity) he had a good idea what the blond had been up to.

What he didn't know was that Medusa had, out of boredom, decided to transcribe the things they did in the bedroom. Since Jiraiya was considered the best author of smut in the Elemental Countries, Naruto planned to outdo him and help pay for the initial wages for the shinobi once Uzu was up and running. The Emiya Shipping Company (originally Gatou's empire) had been paying Tazuna and his people good money to rebuilt the place. Tazuna gave him a good discount for the work.

Naruto had promised to send shinobi on their courier ships in exchange for a treaty with Wave. They would help guard the country for a discount, and Wave would help supply them with food and other civilian necessities.

Considering Wave was more useful as an ally than as a subjugated territory, it was a win-win scenario.

Jiraiya planned to drag Tsunade back so he wouldn't get stuck being the Hokage.

His initial plan was to search the gambling halls and bars.

Naruto had other ideas.

* * *

"We head to Uzu," he said flatly.

"Uzu is out of our way," countered Jiraiya.

"Yes, but I've been meaning to do something for months, and one of the seals in the village allows me to send a chakra signal throughout the Elemental Countries that would recall any with Uzumaki blood back to the village. Every jounin during the war who served in Uzushio knows how to activate it."

Jiraiya's eyes widened in realization.

"Tsunade is half-Uzumaki on her mother's side."

"Now you get it. We don't need to go traipsing around the place looking for her...she'll come to us. It's a compulsion seal, one that would niggle at them until they came within the boundaries of the city. It was a fail safe in the event the clan was scattered, a masterpiece of sealing," said Naruto smugly.

"What if they're imprisoned?"

"There's something in the seal that would allow them to slip past bonds if they were imprisoned against their will. Any who have lost their minds or have become psychotic tend to be skipped over. Trust me, the ones who came up with this took into account after times of war. They didn't want anyone who sullied the Uzumaki bloodline with madness."

Which as far as he was aware had never happened. It seemed the Uchiha curse which came along with the eyes was skipped entirely if one added Uzumaki blood to the mix.

It made Naruto wonder what would happen if a child was created from both bloodlines...though getting Uchiha DNA would be the hardest part and he would be damned before he allowed Sasuke to infect the result with his weak blood.

Itachi would be a better test subject.

"So if Tsunade feels the compulsion..."

"She'll return home to Uzushio, or at least within sight of the village. Like I said, we don't need to search for her...she'll come to us. Besides, I've been meaning to do this for months now."

* * *

Jiraiya watched Naruto as he flowed from one line to the next and painted an intricate and what was clearly the masterpiece of some unknown Uzumaki...which Naruto told him bemusedly that it was Mito's creation before the infamous Nine-Tails incident.

The only reason he knew it without looking it up was because he had helped to hammer out the details with her, and Kurama (the Fox) had kept the knowledge sealed away until he was ready to use it.

Kurama was immensely pleased that Naruto had changed the sewer landscape of his mind into a replica of Alturia's castle (she had shared a memory of it with him when he was nine) instead. He didn't mind being the guard dog of the place if it meant he could roam around freely in it with a thick chain collar around him.

Naruto gave the fox far more freedom than any of the other Uzumaki ever dared.

Finally he finished off the last symbol to the fascination of Tazuna and everyone else.

Uzushio was nearly finished in regards to the repair work. Now they just needed to fill it up with people. Naruto had to go in and disable some of the traps left behind by the enemies of the Uzumaki and a few that the Uzumaki left in return.

Like the one that would sink Uzushio into the waves once activated. Naruto had a bitch of a time disarming that without completely destroying it. A few lines here and there (all in the same room with an easy exit) and the seal would be completed again. It was a last resort for the Uzumaki.

And Naruto was above all, a pragmatic soul.

"Ready everyone?" he got various nods in return.

"_Uzumaki Fuinjutsu: Recall the Bloodline!"_

The seal lit up like a bloody red light, before it went into the air and broke off into multiple red streaks of chakra. Jiraiya felt _something_ pass through him, and summarily dismiss his presence. All over the Elemental countries people looked up at the red streaked sky and felt something pass through and dismiss most of them...some however felt something inside of them settle and a compulsion seal was put into place.

In Tanzaku Gai, Tsunade felt that light settle and something placed onto her chakra network. In Ame, Nagato felt something settle into his chakra despite his broken body. In Oto Tayuya remembered her long dead mother and feel something inside her curse seal change.

By morning the red tinge was gone, but the effects lingered.

Naruto leaned against a tree exhausted.

"Next time, I'm going to do that with a chakra pill dammit."

* * *

It took Tsunade exactly four days and one uncomfortable boat ride before she reached Uzu. It had taken her a few hours to narrow down what the hell had happened to her.

Needless to say she was less than pleased to see Jiraiya.

"Jiraiya, what in the hell did you do?" she snarled. Her assistant, Shizune, looked at her master with concern.

"Not me Hime. Him."

Tsunade turned to find...a slightly younger looking Minato-look-alike standing against a tree.

"Welcome home, Tsunade-hime."

"Who are you?"

"Uzumaki-Emiya-Einzbern Naruto, son of Konoha's Yellow Flash and the last Princess of Uzushiogakure. I'm calling the Uzumaki home...you were just the closest one."

Tsunade blinked.

"What the hell was that red streak in the sky?"

"A sealing jutsu Mito Uzumaki completed. When activated by someone of a clan, it seeks out any with the corresponding bloodline and calls them to the location where the seal was made. She made it in the event that the Uzumaki were ever scattered to the four winds if Uzushio fell. It does, however, skip over those consumed by madness. In other words, I just sent out the word to those of Uzumaki bloodline to come home."

"Uzu was destroyed," said Tsunade.

"And it is rebuilt," said Naruto waving behind him.

Tsunade gaped at the buildings behind her, rebuilt exactly as she remembered them.

"How...I would have heard if Uzu was being remade!"

"Not if the company was doing it discreetly with good financial buyers. Gato's former company has been paying the citizens of Wave good money to rebuild the place to it's former glory."

It had been a bigger hassle getting supplies without drawing attention, however some of it was used to renovate Wave, so people didn't think it suspicious at all.

Naruto considered it a perk for the citizens that they got free construction supplies to work with in exchange for hiding the fact they were rebuilding his mother's homeland. None of the spy circles had any idea of why so much was needed.

Which meant when Whirlpool came out of hiding, the world would be in for a rather big surprise.

Mostly the Leaf, since Naruto had no intention of renewing the old alliance.

"Why did you call me?" she asked, sitting at a table with rather modest fair.

"For one thing, the morons on the council sent us to retrieve you. Frankly I think it's pointless, since you would be far more useful here. And don't complain Jiraiya. I have a plan that will make you happy about this."

Jiraiya looked annoyed. He didn't _want_ to be Hokage!

Tsunade sipped her tea. It was rather good.

"So you don't want to force me to become Hokage."

"Like I said, I have a better idea. Construction accidents are common, and it would be easier to hide from your debt collectors if they don't know where you are. If you stay here, you can help speed things up a bit and keep injuries to a minimum. There's also the fact that refugees from the war that claimed this village to begin with might take the news that their Clan Head is the real thing from someone they recognize."

"So you want me to act as a healer/messenger for those coming in."

"You'll keep an eye on the village for me while I continue to set things up. I already have an agreement with several prominent clans in Konoha, and the plan to remove over half the Hyuuga clan. I've also weakened it considerably by dealing with the Uchiha brat."

"You've dealt a blow to the cursed Uchiha clan? How the hell would they not notice?" asked Tsunade, her interest peaked.

Naruto grinned evilly.

"I gave the bastard an eye transplant, then made it look like he got drunk and stumbled into the women's section of the hot springs. No one thought anything of the fact his eyes were a bit sore after he supposedly drank too much."

Tsunade blinked twice.

"You transplanted his eyes? How the hell did you pull that off without someone figuring it out?"

"Magi have been experimenting with the human body for years. I just dumped his ass into the lab of someone who knew what they were doing and how to hide it from a casual glance and supplied the replacement eyes, and they did the rest. I gave the eyes to someone who had more use for them who is currently getting back up to speed on combat effectiveness to serve as a bodyguard. Personally I can't wait to see the look on that little prick's face when he finds out that his eyes aren't his own," said Naruto vindictively.

It would almost be as satisfying as removing the memory spell on Team 7 before he left permanently. Seeing the horrified look on Kakashi's face would be entirely worth it.

"What did he do to piss you off?" asked Tsunade. She recognized the look.

"He said some rather unflattering things about my sister Illyasviel. The little bastard should have kept his comments about our mother to himself. And before you ask, I was adopted when I was five by another family, who raised and trained me. I'm actually closer to thirty than thirteen."

"Which is why you look like an eighteen year old?" she asked.

Naruto scowled.

"Actually this is a temporary reversal. That damn vampire thought it was hilarious to stick me back into my eight-year-old body a few months before the Uchiha incident and make me work all the way back up to Jounin in a village I hate. Fucking trolling blood sucker..." said Naruto with a snarl.

"Trolling?"

"It means he lives to annoy or otherwise piss people off. Being his apprentice is a sure fire way to having a broken psyche or mind according to the Magus Association...they actually pity any poor bastard who catches his attention or gets dumped into being his apprentice. I'm the only known survivor of his mood swings, and even then I'm not entirely sane."

Jiraiya snorted.

"I saw that video gaki. You enraged that spy enough that he went straight into a wall and got a concussion, all without revealing a single skill."

"Yes, well one tends to learn how to troll when stuck with the Universe's Greatest Master of being an asshole."

"And the deal with that girly looking staff?" asked Jiraiya smirking.

Naruto's right eye began to twitch rampantly at the memory of it.

He practically hissed the words "Do not speak of that _thing_ in my presence again! The mere idea of being around that fucking staff is enough to put me into a relapse of the year that fucking bloodsucker stuck me in a teenaged girl's body, sealed most of my abilities, then threw me in a world full of fucking overpowered _fangirls_ and two talking cats that just wouldn't shut the hell up about some princess! It took me a _year_ just to figure out how to get out of that place! I had to use that talking pain-in-the-ass just to use my magic or chakra and the damn thing was an Akasha-damned pervert to boot!"

Tsunade and Shizune blinked.

"A staff that talks?" said Tsunade.

Naruto waved his hand, and an orange and very girly looking staff fell onto the table.

The three shinobi jumped when the thing started to talk to Naruto, less than happy with him.

"_Oh, so _now_ you summon me! And why aren't you in girl form?" _it whined. It sounded far too much like Jiraiya in his Super-Pervert mode.

"Meet Agate, the bane of my training," said Naruto with a growl.

The longer it stayed out, the more Jiraiya got along with it and the more the girls (and Naruto) hated it. Finally he threw it back into his workshop with a snarl.

"As you can see, I don't use it if I can help it. Fucking pervert."

"Like what you get up to with your girls isn't perverted," smirked Jiraiya.

"That's different. Tamamo and Sakura are mine, but I'm still trying to find a wife to help carry on the name," said Naruto.

"What?" said Tsunade and Shizune, looking at Naruto in shock.

"Tamamo-no-Mae is my familiar. Though because of her nature she is more of a lover. Sakura Tohsaka I gained through right of conquest when I wiped out her adopted family. Her older sister brought her back into the family since the Makiri were no longer an issue. Right now I'm trying to find someone to act as my wife so that my adopted grandfather Jubstachiet won't saddle me with some simpering moron. Plus it'll get my Little Snowstorm off my case if it's someone she approves of."

"I wouldn't mind meeting this little sister of yours," said Tsunade.

"Despite her looks, I'm actually five years older than she is, and six years older than our adopted brother Shiro. Should have seen the look on his face when he found out that he now had _two_ overprotective siblings to contend with instead of just the one. Illya is rather fierce when she's keeping our...chastity...intact," shuddered Naruto.

It was the reason why he hadn't had a girlfriend until Tamamo appeared. Illya tended to scare them off, though that also kept some of the more rabid fan girls away.

"So what exactly is your plan?"

"Jiraiya will claim that you have no love for Konoha, which is quite true at this point and that you incapacitated him with the threat to castrate him if he offered the position again. He will then take the mantle and subtly make it easier for us to funnel out people from the village so that we can properly come back to full strength. I plan to have various missions 'sent' so that we can 'kill' off people, though they'll have to avoid being seen in Fire for obvious reasons. He can do all his perving in Konoha, while I send one of the Einzbern homunculi to take over his spy rings. I already have one in place funneling Gatou's empire into Wave, among others."

"Which clans are you bringing in?" asked Tsunade.

"The Nara, Akimichi, Aburame, the branch half and some of the Main Hyuuga, and quite possible the Yamanaka as well. I've also got the agreement of Anko, Iruka, Kurenai Yuuhi and several others who wish to leave the village. I would bring the Inuzuka, but they are notoriously loyal and I have no desire to force their allegiance just yet."

Tsunade blinked in shock. That was more than she expected.

"How did you get the clans to agree to leave?"

"The Nara came willingly when I started helping Shikamaru expand on his clan jutsu without asking for the techniques themselves. The Akimichi followed soon after when I introduced some tricks to make them more dangerous and the promise of new foods to try. The Aburame were glad to join in, as they were tired of being considered a _minor_ clan and because I gave them something to work around their limitations because of their hives. I promised to remove the Caged Bird Seal and agreed that none of the Hyuuga would ever be allowed to apply something like that ever again without their consent. The Yamanaka might follow suit with the Nara and Akimichi, and because I gave them something to add in addition to their mind-switch techniques. The rest agreed to leave for personal reasons. It helps that I never once demanded their clan techniques and just asked them what their jutsu basically did before I made them stronger."

Tsunade blinked twice. No wonder he had gained their allegiance.


	20. Chapter 20

For the next two weeks, refugees from the village trickled in. Tsunade introduced them to Naruto, who was Kushina's son and legally the 'Clan Head' of the Uzumaki.

He even showed them the seal which remained and redrew it on a piece of paper with ordinary ink to prove he was the one to make it. That was evidently all they needed to see.

Some immediately recognized him as the same Jounin who lead their forces into battle before his mysterious 'death'. They never blamed him, because he fully admitted he would have stayed had his disappearance not been necessary to preserve the time lines. The fact it was his doing that recalled the clan seemed to mollify most...and the fact he had almost rebuilt Uzu from the ground up before calling them home.

After a month they returned to Konoha with Tsunade so she could tell the Council to go to hell as a precaution. One fight with Jiraiya would solidify his presence in Konoha and help start Naruto's plan to fill Uzu with shinobi.

Civilians could live there...but there was no way in Akasha he was letting them have more than a representative in Uzu. Konoha had gotten far out of hand because they allowed the civilians to get above their place in the council.

As far as Naruto was concerned, if they weren't useful, then they were cannon fodder for magic experiments. Fortunately for any civilian who sought to join Uzu later, Naruto did make a rather unusual law for anyone stupid enough to commit any crimes that weren't considered petty such as pickpocketing or stealing minor items.

If you were stupid enough to get caught in a village of shinobi/Magi, then you were fair game as material for experiments for the one who caught you. It was very similar to the law in Ame where anyone stupid enough to commit a crime and be caught was fair game to the cannibal plant-ninja-thing known as Zetsu, who wasn't very picky about who he ate.

Surprisingly the seal Naruto set off caused an unexpected side effect of having Tsunade miss Orochimaru entirely...though she would run into him shortly before she returned to Uzu to act as the head doctor for the growing hospital.

Naruto had already agreed to help 'pay' for most of her debts...provided he hit Moon country first...or challenged them to a game.

* * *

It took all of a week (during which Tsunade healed a few people including an idiotic Kakashi for challenging Itachi with his secondary Sharingan active) before the Slug Princess left Konoha...taking a few people with her.

Jiraiya became the Hokage and immediately disbanded the three Council members that Sarutobi had and electing Shikaku and Inoichi in their place. Danzou was less than pleased.

It was all part of an elaborate and incredibly subtle plan by Naruto.

Step one: gain the allegiance of certain clans in Konoha and valuable support for his true village.

Step two: weaken Konoha from within.

Step three: start rebuilding Uzushio in secret

Step four: start recalling the scattered Uzumaki clan members

Step five: place someone in a position of power that he could trust.

Step six: remove Danzou from his position and slowly start to remove his more malleable agents from his possession.

Step seven: start funneling shinobi towards Uzu

Step eight: start making quiet proposals for alliances and treaties towards other countries

Step nine: gut Konoha of some of it's major clans and let it rot.

So far many of those objectives had been completed, but Naruto wouldn't rest until Uzushio was at the top and Konoha burned.

* * *

Naruto looked at the actress with barely concealed irritation. He had been stuck doing this as a favor to Jiraiya, who wanted the boy to convince this Koyuki woman to star in Icha Icha. About the only reason he agreed to do it was because he got to pick his team, despite Kakashi coming along because he had smuggled the woman out over a decade prior.

The only reason he even agreed to do this...and ask for her to star in the movie, was because Jiraiya mentioned to him something the client said about the woman...she was the rightful ruler of Snow country, which would make her a powerful ally to have. If they played their cards right they could leave an Einzbern homunculus behind to act as the 'Kage' of Yukigakure and gain an extra village in case they needed a place to run to.

The Village Hidden in the Snow was considered a minor village and one not very noteworthy at all. Plus there was the fact Naruto had seen some of their gear through Tamamo's mirror and a bit of magic via the Kaleidoscope that had his interest. With his help they could easily rise to one of the greater villages.

Which was why Naruto immediately vetoed the idea of bringing Sasuke _or_ Sakura, as they pissed him off greatly and he now took great joy in no longer being forced to deal with them as a Chunin.

Rubbing the fact he was a higher rank than either of them had made the scream fest from Sakura entirely worth it.

When he left Konoha permanently, she would be the first to go, along with that bitchy mother of hers.

Which was why he had immediately picked Haku, a bored Zabuza, and at the suggestion of Kurenai a girl with the same name as the fox who had trouble with her family jutsu.

Yakumo Kurama, a girl who had a kekkei genkai but had no real control. Kurenai knew of Naruto's unique skill set and had all but begged Naruto to help the poor girl who had no real control over her ability.

Since the seal placed on her ability wasn't perfect, this was the best time for Yakumo to talk to Naruto.

"Dammit...I really hate that pervy sage... He's almost as annoying as that fucking bloodsucker," said Naruto on the ceiling.

Yakumo was being held up by Naruto, who had removed the seal on her bloodline ability and given her a crash course on chakra control.

If he could take down the darker half of Sakura Tohsaka without going all out, he could handle an illusion-based demon.

Besides, he wasn't that great at genjutsu...though from what he heard from Illya she had become fascinated with the things ever since she saw Lee and Gai's little nightmare. Sakura had found her niche when she tried it after learning the hand signs.

Once she found something she actually liked and was good at, Sakura Tohsaka bloomed as a Magus and as a part-time shinobi. She was currently exploring illusions and occasionally dabbling in reality marbles, specifically the aspect that involved imparting one's mind into the physical world. It wasn't a forbidden research, but it definitely toed the line of it.

* * *

Yakumo didn't know what to think of Naruto Uzumaki-Emiya.

On one hand, when told of her abilities he became intrigued rather than worried. He was also a lot more mature than any boy she had ever met, and he was the kindest person she knew. When she saw Kurenai, she initially had been pissed.

Then she introduced Naruto.

Naruto had looked at her in a way that said he was critiquing her and was not unimpressed. Then he looked at her eyes.

"So is this kekkei genkai blood based, or is it centered around her mind?" he asked casually.

"It's hardwired from my brain," she had replied rather annoyed.

"Hmm. I heard from Yuuhi-san that you wanted to be a ninja, but because of your frail body you were unable to do so aside from the genjutsu aspects."

"Yeah, so?" asked Yakumo annoyed.

"What if I could give you a stronger, healthier body and fix whatever it is that keeps you from being in control?"

"Like someone could do that!" scoffed Yakumo.

"I can. I would need a sample of your blood and a brain scan, but we can easily transfer you to a new body that would allow you to become a shinobi...a proper shinobi that is."

Yakumo looked at him and realized he was being entirely serious about this.

"What do I have to do in return for this?" she asked suspiciously.

"At most become Sakura's assistant. She's been having trouble in her research towards illusions that can take form in reality and not just in the mind. You kekkei genkai would be an excellent boon to her. Other than that, it's up to you," said Naruto.

That was two months ago, and after being introduced to Sakura Tohsaka (not Haruno thank kami) she had become intrigued by the girl's research. It took them a week and help from Naruto's younger sister Illya, and three weeks of intense training but eventually she was able to keep up with the other shinobi.

They considered Haruno Sakura's ability to be barely acceptable, and she had surpassed it.

That was when Jiraiya handed them the mission, and Naruto had come to ask if she wanted to be apart of it.

She had jumped on the chance. This would be the first time she was allowed to join a mission, and she wasn't wearing that detestable Leaf headband to do it.

Yakumo was now a proud Uzushio ninja, because she hated the Leaf village almost as much as Naruto did.

* * *

Once the movie was over, Naruto and the others sat outside on some piled up wood. Kakashi and Zabuza were out talking to the client while they had gone to see the movie.

The two had gotten rather odd looks because they wore the Uzu hitai-ate as opposed to the Leaf, but after it was explained that Naruto had adopted them both into the Uzumaki clan, people ignored it.

Some, like Iruka, had already gotten their replacement headbands but were waiting for the moment until they abandoned Konoha to wear them. Others, like Yakumo, decided to wear them outright.

Since Uzu was a former ally until it's destruction, it hadn't raised any alarms in the minds of the Council. They had assumed it was an odd trend in some of the shinobi and thought nothing of it.

Not like any of those who wore them were any real threat to Konoha.

Suddenly Naruto heard the distinct sound of hooves and they barely avoided getting hit by the horse with the actress on it.

"Haku, Yakumo, distract her pursuers. I'll deal with the girl," said Naruto.

"Right," they said in unison, scattering.

It took Naruto three hours to find and capture the errant actress, and ten minutes for Haku and Yakumo to capture her pursuers.

Needless to say Naruto was less than pleased with Koyuki.

* * *

"Seriously lady, I could care less about why you're ditching this place, but you do realize that since you're under contract with the film company that they're more likely to send other ninja who won't give a damn about what you want just to retrieve you," said Naruto flatly, in his 'adult' form hauling Koyuki like a sack of potatoes.

She was hurling insults and some rather creative curses at him all while beating uselessly on his back. Most people took one look at the headband and minded their own damn business. The rest looked at them oddly, but a glare from Naruto got them to keep their mouth shut.

"I don't honestly care what you say. I'm just the poor bastard tricked into hauling your sorry ass back to the set."

When they reached the spot, he dumped her on the ground before releasing his new favorite technique in front of Zabuza who was guarding the front.

"One bitchy actress, as requested," said Naruto deadpan.

Zabuza snorted.

"Scarecrow, fox boy brought back the chick!" shouted Zabuza.

Kakashi had a strained grin. Why, oh why in kami's name did the brat have to pick_ Zabuza_ for the team?

At least he didn't have to deal with the bitchy Sakura, though this was a poor replacement.

"So what's her deal?" asked Naruto to their client. Koyuki was under a genjutsu from Kakashi so she was out cold until they left port. Naruto had told him to do it because he wasn't chasing her twice dammit. That pepper spray hurt like hell!

"She's the legitimate daughter of Snow Country's real daimyo. Her uncle killed her father and we had to abscond with her when she was a child to avoid her being killed. I hired you so that we could hopefully replace the man," he answered honestly.

"And what's her opinion of this?"

"She bolted when she heard we were heading to Snow. What do you think?"

"...I think we need someone to bitch slap some sense of what it's like to be a ruler. Something tells me she'll be far too much like Tsunade was when offered the Hokage hat," said Naruto.

That and he knew a certain king who was bored out of her mind and needed something to do. He was sure Alturia would be happy to help once he explained what was going on and promised to let her fight.

Naruto vanished for an hour before sunrise and brought Alturia with him as back-up. When asked by Kakashi who she was (having vaguely recognized her from the invasion) Naruto was able to cover for her presence by having her hired as an extra by the director.

With the promise of an actual ninja battle that he wasn't obligated to edit aside from the hand signs and their real names, the director was happy to help.

Naruto felt a surge of vindictive glee when Koyuki realized she had no ready escape from heading back to her home country.

Ria (Saber) was properly disgusted with Koyuki's attitude.

The woman was so emotionally dead inside that she couldn't even _cry_ anymore without eyedrops. It was pathetic.

* * *

About a week into sea, they ran into a rather minor problem in the form of an obvious trap.

Naruto was bored, so he didn't comment on the director's idiotic idea to film on the glacier. Besides, he had promised the man he could film a ninja battle.

When Kakashi set off the explosive, Naruto moved into action.

"Yakumo, you keep an eye on the client! Haku, Zabuza, you're with me!"

Saber would join him, since he didn't have to worry about her getting in the way. Tamamo (in human form to Kakashi's shock) had already joined Yakumo as her back up, since she was technically the weakest of the group.

"Saber, you help me take out fat ass. Haku, you and Zabuza deal with the kunoichi. Kakashi, you get their leader," said Naruto. The group split into threes and dealt with each nuisance individually.

Saber and Naruto tag teamed against the one with the snowboard. He didn't last very long against her blade and Naruto's tricky nature. If he lived Naruto would be very surprised.

Haku and Zabuza also made quick work of the woman. She wasn't expecting a hyoton user/ Ice Elemental (as Rin so tactfully called her) and a swordsman who sparred with Saber regularly and had excellent teamwork to challenge her. Between Haku's lightning fast senbon needles and Zabuza's sword skills, she was cut in half rather fast.

Naruto checked on Kakashi and his disgust was evident.

The fabled Sharingan Kakashi was just as bad as the damn Uchiha were. He was having difficulty against such an easy opponent who relied far too much on his armor to be of any real threat! Saber also looked disgusted with Kakashi's skills, as they retreated back to the boat when the man clashed jutsu with his opponent.

"You are an idiot and a waste of time. If I hadn't been saddled with you because you've been here before, I would have left you behind!" said Naruto flatly.

Kakashi looked at his former student in surprise.

Naruto was clearly disgusted with him and his rather small set of skills. He was known for copying over a thousand jutsu. Shouldn't the brat be impressed? He should be glad Kakashi had been his teacher, however briefly!

"I wouldn't talk Naruto. You're just a chunin," said Kakashi, clearly irritated by Naruto's attitude towards him.

"Actually he isn't. He's on par with a damn Kage skill-wise," corrected Zabuza.

"What do you mean?"

"Have you heard of the Kaleidoscope Alchemist of Uzushio?" asked Zabuza in return.

"That man died during the last war of Uzu. He'd be about fifty if he wasn't," said Kakashi.

Naruto coughed into his hand. Since the camera wasn't rolling, he could release his age-magic. He had finally gotten the hang of it after several bouts of trial and error.

At the moment he looked around 18.

"What..."

"Meet the Kaleidoscope Alchemist," said Zabuza with a shrug.

"That's impossible!" said Kakashi.

Naruto leveled a look at him, then activated his Mystic Eyes.

"_Awaken Memories,"_ he said ominously.

Kakashi held his head in pain as memories, real memories, flooded back to him.

When the surge passed, he looked at Naruto in horror.

"How did you..."

"My Mystic Eyes can do more than hypnotize people, _Sharingan Kakashi_. I can suppress memories too, though if the right stimulus is given that can be overruled. I couldn't allow Danzou and the Civilian Council to learn too early that I was much, much stronger than that damn Uchiha. So I made a point to hide those memories from you and the rest of Team 7. Now that I'm a chunin, I can give you your real memories back without having to deal with the council."

"How...how is this possible?"

"Magic. I'll warn you once Kakashi, stay the hell out of my way or I'll toss you aside like yesterdays trash," said Naruto, before adding, "Oh, and I never saw you as my teacher after the rather poor showing you made during our sparring match. There's a reason why I'm never around any of you outside your mandatory team exercises."

And those he mostly sent his own personal body double, made with his blood and designed to change age at will. He controlled it from afar, but it gave him the perfect alibi since clones don't bleed.

If Kakashi gave him trouble or threatened to turn him over to the council, Naruto would stage either an accident or forcefully remove the memories. He wasn't as neat or clean as a Yamanaka, but he could pull it off.

Besides, the Kyuubi disliked Kakashi almost as much as an Uchiha and Naruto had no trouble handing over the idiot to the fox for a snack.


	21. Chapter 21

_**ATTENTION ALL FANFICTION WRITERS OR FANS. SOPA, THE STOP ONLINE PIRACY ACT THAT WILL DELETE FANFICTION, FAN ART, FAN MADE VIDEOS AND FAN PAGES IS BACK. WE HAVE UNTIL MARCH NINETEENTH TO STOP IT FROM EVER BEING PASSED. LOG ONTO YOUR WHITE HOUSE ACCOUNTS AND SIGN THE PETITION AGAINST THIS IDIOTIC ACT BEFORE WE LOSE THIS SITE! If you click the 'IS SOPA 2014 Real?' question on yahoo, it has a link that will take you straight to the petition!**_

* * *

Saber, formerly Alturia Pendragon AKA King Arthur (her gender was greatly mistaken), was absolutely disgusted with one Yukie Fujikaze, also known as Koyuki, the actress who played Princess Gale.

The reason behind this was simple enough. The woman was such a damn coward that the mere idea of standing up to her uncle made her ready to run.

Which was why Naruto had no issue sticking her in a room with Alturia with the permission to bitch slap the woman and give her a dose of reality. And Ria often wore metal gauntlets, so her hits were far more painful than they would normally be.

Koyuki's assistant, the same man who hired them, had been unhappy with this idea, but after meeting Alturia privately and the knowledge that she would be breaking this silly notion of cowardice when they needed a real leader was enough to keep his silence.

Well that and Ria was damn scary when she wanted to be.

Alturia Pendragon was in a foul mood, and she fully blamed Naruto. She had been stuck on babysitting duty with Koyuki, and the woman appalled her sense of duty greatly. Fortunately he had promised to leave the bitchy actress in the care of Kakashi, since he was the idiot who escaped with her in the first place.

Finally after one too many disparaging remarks about her father, the previous daimyo of Snow Country, Alturia had enough. Koyuki was far less unfit a ruler than Mordred had ever been.

So she slapped her, hard.

"What..." said Koyuki, her eyes glaring. She backed off after seeing the anger in Saber's eyes.

"You...are completely unfit as a ruler at this point. You are such a coward that you refuse to see what's in front of you, and drown your pathetic self in alcohol to dull your shame. Look at yourself! You are the legitimate ruler of Yuki no Kuni, yet you would spit on your father's memory and those who have died trying to restore your throne just because you're afraid of your uncle! You're beyond pathetic, you're a disgrace to your family name!" spat Saber.

Saber tore the woman a new one, unable to hold back her barbs. This woman truly disgusted her at the moment.

She left Koyuki alone, broken in spirit and almost in mind. Once she recovered from the hit she had just taken, she would think.

She had lost her father at an early age, and the trauma of the escape haunted her still. She had no idea Kakashi had been listening in on Saber's rant, or that it had struck home in him as well.

* * *

"Auntie...what in the Root did you do?" asked Naruto bluntly.

Saber drank her tea, still fuming.

"I gave that fool a taste of her own damn medicine. She is clearly unfit as a ruler with the way she was behaving."

"...You do realize I had just sent Kakashi in to take over for you ten minutes ago right?"

Saber didn't know, or care. She was still pissed.

"Okay...no more babysitting duty for you," deadpanned Naruto.

* * *

Kakashi was the one to approach Naruto. And the boy was instantly on guard, as something had changed.

"I suppose I owe you an apology."

"Why?" asked Naruto suspicious.

"...I was your father's student and I should have at least checked in on you more. I was in a deep depression after I lost my team, and I took it out on you and the others. Because I was hurting for so long I never tried to improve myself at all outside of keeping up with Gai."

"Why tell me now?" asked Naruto.

"I want to know what I have to do to make things right. I'll not fail Minato-sensei again."

"...So you finally grew a pair? About damn time. I knew you were his student the whole time Kakashi, I just didn't care. I usually ditched those team exercises of yours with a clone, since I was so disappointed with your showing during the bell test. Had you shown that you were willing to train the kiddies, properly at that, then I might have let you in sooner."

"Exactly who or what are you Naruto? You're too mature for your age and even Zabuza respects you more than he does the Hokage."

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki-Emiya-von Einzbern, the Kaleidoscope Alchemist of Uzushiogakure and soon to be Uzukage. What I am, Kakashi Hatake...is a Magus. If you want in on my plans, you're going to have to show some actual improvement, and fast. Konoha will not last by the time I finally make my move," said Naruto.

Kakashi watched as Naruto dropped his age-reversal trick that he had finally figured out and became a younger-looking Minato Namikaze.

* * *

It wasn't until later that he looked up Naruto's nickname that he realized how much Naruto had been holding back. After that it wasn't uncommon to find Kakashi sparring with Zabuza during their breaks on the water, since it was easy to keep up with the ship.

"So...how long did you know?" asked Kakashi.

"The second I saw those whiskers and that stance I knew it was him. So is he truly the son of the Yondaime?"

"Yes. And the Red Habernaro."

"Shit...that explains a lot, like why the Uzumaki clan agreed to let him become a jounin and learn their fuinjutsu after a month. If he hadn't supposedly died shortly before the beginning of the war, it would have turned out differently."

"What can you tell me about him?" asked Kakashi.

"Only rumors and hearsay. He was a monster of a jounin and he never failed a mission. He was subtle as hell, but Uzu became a hell of a lot stronger with him in it. I was the only jounin in Kiri who found his death to be suspicious, which was the only reason I knew it was him off the bat. He has another name, one which I never made sense of," said Zabuza.

"What?"

"The Einzbern Attack Dog. From what rumor said, if his adopted clan ordered it, he would destroy almost anything without mercy or compassion."

Kakashi was silent. To achieve such a state one had to go through hell or be naturally predisposed to it. And he had seen something in Naruto's eyes when he finally approached him that said it was the former and not the latter. A true merciless killer wouldn't have created bonds with a sister not of his blood, or a younger brother.

The two were silent...though Kakashi did have to ask this...

"Who is the other blond? The woman Naruto brought with us?"

"Her name is Alturia, or as the jackass calls her Auntie. Haku asked about that once and apparently she served under the man who adopted him before his death and taught him how to use a sword."

"She reminds me of a samurai, only with a noble's bearing. The way she lit into Koyuki..."

"She is unfit as a ruler at the moment. Naruto clearly made me watch her just for the purpose of dragging her out of that ridiculous depression. You, on the other hand, were a bonus he wasn't counting on or expecting," said Saber flatly.

"Who are you?"

"I am and was a King. Similar to a Daimyo, only with much more power. But my country fell due to strife and the fact that I was human. My own son killed me, and I paid the price because I was too weak and too proud to stop it. Naruto asked me for help because he knew that, and because I had nothing better to do."

Kakashi was silent.

* * *

Yakumo was with Naruto while Haku kept an eye on the actress. It was a duty none of them actually enjoyed.

"What do you know about illusions Yakumo-chan?" asked Naruto. He had said that he would train her, and that was exactly what he would do.

"Genjutsu is the art of illusion. It ensnares the mind and brings forth realities undreamed of," she said flatly.

"That is the shinobi answer. And it is entirely too limited. Illusions aren't about ensnaring the mind and senses, it's about bringing what you see in your imagination to life. It's about bringing something only possible in your mind into the real world for everyone to see. For example... What do you see over the water?"

"Nothing," answered Yakumo.

"And now?" he asked, casting a simple cantrip. He was terrible at genjutsu, which relied on chakra to work. But illusions were another story altogether.

Yakumo looked again and gasped.

Mermaids, sirens, even sea serpents frolicked among the waves. Vast monsters of the deep swan around the boat, and she could easily see the sky had changed into a rainbow of colors.

"Genjutsu...is far too limited for my tastes," said Naruto simply.

"Teach me," she begged. The illusion Naruto had weaved was beautiful and terrifying at the same time.

Naruto grinned back at her.

* * *

They reached landfall two weeks after setting off.

Saber was fully ready to kill someone. Fortunately for everyone, they only had to wait a few days for that to become available.

Naruto looked at the train coming along the recently melted tracks, and then noticed a problem.

"Haku, be prepared for a full barrier. I'll assist you," said Naruto.

He then looked at Saber.

"Auntie, once they're out of kunai I'll let you borrow my prana to let loose your frustration on them."

Alturia gained a rather frightening smile, one that terrified Kakashi greatly and made Zabuza surprisingly giddy. He knew what Naruto was permitting Saber to unleash after all.

"And what about me?" asked Yakumo.

"You're going to be steadying the camera man so he can get a good shot of Saber-onee-sama's attack," said Naruto evilly.

"Trust me girlie, it's worth standing on the sidelines for," said Zabuza eagerly.

The train slowed down, and Dotou Kazehana appeared. The forces who had fought him for years used the rare opportunity to attack, only for the doors to open on the train revealing a massive line of kunai launchers.

"_Ice Style: Demonic Ice Barrier!"_ cried Naruto and Haku in unison.

A large clear sheet of ice, reinforced with chakra, slammed in front of the charging army and took the kunai for them. Not a single life was lost. Once the kunai stopped flying, Naruto looked at Saber.

She stood before where the kunai were and smirked. The camera had been rolling since the current 'daimyo' of Snow had shown up. Yakumo made sure to hold onto the cameraman and the camera as Saber unleashed her frustration with Koyuki and everything else about the mission on the hapless shinobi and train.

"Ex-Calibur!"

An explosion of wind and light. Kakashi was very glad he had removed his headband as he watched the attack.

When the wind died down, Alturia's sword could be seen. It was a beautiful piece of work, made of gold and blue coloring, and well cared for steel.

Naruto noticed that a kunoichi had the shell shocked Dotou in her grasp. Clearly he had just narrowly avoided the attack, and the look he was shooting Saber said he would avoid her if at all possible.

* * *

Naruto was in a war council. He didn't care if this was being taped by a clone.

The rebellion was very impressed and it helped that every time Naruto appeared on camera he was in his eighteen-year-old body. He was about to head out to battle when a bird's cry caught his attention.

A hawk dived down with a sealing mark with Uzu's crest around it's neck on a bandanna. He whistled sharply and it landed on his arm.

He read the missive and was torn between swearing and grinning.

Uzu was officially done with repairs. However some of the ROOT shinobi he hadn't been able to nab had started to become suspicious, and through them Danzo. He would likely face banishment if they found out he had rebuilt the village in secret.

Naruto shook his head. He knew his time in Konoha was drawing to a close, and the moment the Council tried anything he would bring the village down on it's knees.

As it was, the soon-to-be-reopen Uzushio village had strict orders not to let anyone from the other villages in unless they had the passcode he had made. If they didn't, then they were infiltrators and open to be killed.

The passcode was a poem he had placed on a plaque when they first remade the Heaven's Feel Tournament.

"Hero's Throne, Heroes never stand alone. Heaven's Feel, to make the dream real. Holy Grail, so that our hopes never fail. Subtlety is an art!"

(The last sentence wasn't on the plaque, but it was part of the poem as a joke and it had stuck.)

"What's that?" asked Zabuza.

"ROOT's made another pass at the village. We'll likely have to make a move soon," said Naruto.

"Feh. Chances are they'll try to banish you," said Zabuza.

"So what? If they tried I would burn the village down to the ground. Ayame and Teuchi are already out of the village and it's not like anyone's made the connection yet. Anyway we have to finish this mess and get that alliance contract made."

Koyuki had promised a treaty with Uzu in exchange for getting back her throne once she finally found her nerve. Konoha would be pissed, but who cared about them?

* * *

Alturia, Naruto and Yakumo went into the castle. Very few walked out after them. Because the castle had been built after Dotou had his coup, Koyuki gave Naruto permission to destroy it.

The evil look in his eye should have told her this was a horrible idea.

Naruto had Tamamo lace the place with so many high-powered explosive seals (after they had removed anything of worth) that it would be highly unlikely that anything would remain standing.

Koyuki knew how the people had suffered while she slowly got old enough to take the throne, so at Alturia's suggestion they invited everyone in Yuki no Kuni to come watch the show for free. Naruto even sold snacks and drinks for a small pittance.

Naruto then handed the switch that would set off the seals and explosives to a wide-eyed Haku.

Haku hit the switch hard enough that it cracked, and a few minutes later there was a massive explosion...followed by so many fireworks that the civilians had something to watch. There was a reason why this was set for the sunset...it made the fireworks that much easier to watch.

It would also add a little flavor to the movie.

* * *

Two days after the destruction of the castle, Naruto took Koyuki and the film crew up to the infamous Rainbow Glaciers. Dotou had mentioned a weapon, but all the research he had found said something different.

The director actually cried tears of joy when he learned Naruto had all the angles covered when Koyuki activated the 'weapon' Dotou had thought was up there.

It wasn't a weapon...and Naruto knew a heating system when he saw one.

Seeing that recording, Koyuki cried her own tears for the first time since her father had been killed.

And so the mission ended. But with it came a whole slew of new problems on the way back.

* * *

Naruto heard on the way back that Sasuke Uchiha had defected and was on his way to Orochimaru once they hit port. Naruto grinned evilly as he realized this was the perfect opportunity to have a bit of fun at the expense of the Uchiha.

The team went after Sasuke, and even managed to run into the Sound Four completely by accident.

"NARUTO!" snarled Sasuke. He only saw Naruto and he was determined to kill him.

Naruto smirked evilly. He released his chakra, and came up from behind the enraged Uchiha.

"So you want to restore your clan, eh Sasuke! Well guess what you faggy Uchiha, you're gonna get your wish!" said Naruto cackling.

Knocking out the Uchiha was easy when you had years of experience at real fighting. Sasuke was an amateur.

Once he was out, Naruto dragged the Uchiha to his workshop. Illya was waiting for him since Alturia had gone home early and mentioned the idiot's defection.

"Is it time brother?" asked Illya eagerly. She hated Sasuke almost as much as Naruto did.

"It's time, my little Snowstorm!" said Naruto eagerly.

Illya clapped her hands in delight.

Time to put the homunculus they had made of Sasuke's blood to use finally. It didn't have the Sharingan, but it was very fertile for a female body. Any children born of this body would be Uchiha by blood.

Naruto cackled rather cruelly as Illya transferred Sasuke's mind to the homunculus body. They tossed his original one into the vat that held the one that was now before them. It would keep the body alive, but that was it.

Naruto then took the still unconscious Uchiha female and went to Kumo.


End file.
